‘ADEQUATE ACTIONS’
It’s not often the Fiver’s knobbly-stick-waving, Guinness-hat-wearing Irish cousin Theme Pub O’Fiver finds himself rooting for the England football team, as anyone who witnessed his impromptu month-long exhibition of jubilant Flatley-esque Riverdancing in the immediate aftermath of their defeat in the final of Euro 2020 will know all too well. However, even our stereotypically anti-English relative could scarcely have been more pleased for “dem treacherous West Brit turncoats Jack, Declan and de actual English lads,” as they strolled to victory over Hungary in Budapest on Thursday night.
Amid the kind of all-too-familiar scenes which invariably prompt Kick It Out’s Troy Townsend to sigh wearily, cancel his short-term plans and wait for his phone to light up with a deluge of media requests, England overcame a difficult first half to stroll to victory by scoring four goals without reply. Well, without reply in the form of any opposition goals, even if those there to support Hungary had plenty to say by way of response.
Hungary were already under Uefa orders to play their next three competitive home matches behind closed doors because of “discriminatory behaviour” by their fans at Euro 2020. However, the Puskas Arena was full to capacity last night due to the minor technicality of the game being played under the jurisdiction of Fifa – a demonstration of the kind of infuriating, petty bureaucracy that has made both footballing organisations so great.
As well as the despicable monkey chants aimed at Raheem Sterling and Jude Bellingham by Hungary’s famously intolerant Carpathian Brigade, England’s players were also targeted by a deluge of missiles including plastic beer cups and a flare. While Rice further incensed the noisy nationalists by pretending to take a sip from one of the drinking receptacles, his teammates stopped short of emulating the only England fan to misbehave in living memory by sticking the pyrotechnic up their derrières.
“Our players can’t do anything more than they have done in the past two or three years in trying to get the right messages out, take the right stands, and it’s for other people to protect them,” said Gareth Southgate. “It’s for me to protect them in the main, but for the authorities to protect them as well. They shouldn’t have to be subjected to any form of racism. There’s a balance in the crowd. As we know at home, not everybody causes problems. Tonight our anthem was really respected remarkably well.”
Never slow in spotting a sporting bandwagon upon which to jump for political expediency, the UK’s famously racially tolerant prime minister was quick to call for action, while Hungary’s FA promised fines and two-year bans for anyone identified as a troublemaker. Fifa were also spurred into action, and “will take adequate actions as soon as it receives match reports concerning yesterday’s Hungary-England game”. The phrase “adequate actions” doesn’t exactly scream “HARSH PUNISHMENT”, so one suspects the powers that be in Hungarian football can expect a very small fine.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is the worst and most one sided article I’ve ever seen … Classless? Jealous? Couldn’t wait to get out? Arrogance? How exactly? I’ve been a Villa fan my whole life and still am” – Union Jack Grealish hits back after a Birmingham Mail article accused him of disrespecting his former club.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is here! The podders chat about all the Human Rights World Cup qualifying action, so get listening.
FIVER LETTERS
“All this talk of the second best Ronaldo coming back to England takes me back to an evening at Roots Hall back in November 2006, when he spent most of the game against Southend being taught some footballing lessons by Spencer Prior. He obviously used that experience wisely, as he’s done OK since then. Maybe Phil Brown could talk SP5 (as no one calls him) out of retirement in time to face Wrexham on Saturday” – Rick Webster.
“Your insistence that you have 1,057 readers in total, let alone that number writing on a single theme, is becoming untenable. All the Arsenal fans must have unsubscribed weeks ago, soon to be followed by irate Manchester United fans. Keep up the good work” – John Lawton (and worryingly few others).
“Perhaps I headed too many heavy, wet balls during the 50s, 60s and 70s but the return of Ronaldo to Old Trafford is so reminiscent of the adventures of Gorgeous Gus in the Wizard and Victor comics of that era. How will Bruno Fernandes fare playing the part of Jenkins, Gus’s valet?” – John Weldon.
“I will admit to a slight bias, having watched my first game at White Hart Lane 74 years ago, but I think the Premier League should learn something from F1’s latest decision and end the season after three games” – Stewart McGuinness.
“Re: Granit Xhaka having Covid-19 and missing Switzerland’s tie with Greece. It’s not like he’s ever passed anything to a teammate in the past” – Mike Rice.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Stewart McGuinness.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Hungarian FA have said a “minority of disruptive ticket-holders need to be identified and severely punished,” potentially with two-year bans, after the crowd trouble in Budapest. The statement made no mention of racism.
As for the game itself, well: England have one foot in the Human Rights World Cup finals already after cruising to a 4-0 win. Here’s David Hytner’s match report.
Elsewhere Italy were held by Bulgaria, Spain were stunned by Sweden, Norn Iron eased to victory in Lithuania, Brazil and Argentina each won before their big clash on Sunday and USA! USA!! USA!!! were held by El Salvador.
Steve Clarke has midfielder John McGinn and right-backs Stephen O’Donnell and Nathan Patterson available again for Saturday’s game against Moldova, after all three missed the defeat to Denmark due to Covid-related issues.
In news of huge significance for Social Media Disgrace content-generators and CR7 branding gurus, Edinson Cavani has been replaced as Manchester United’s No 7.
In WSL transfer news, Arsenal have signed USA! USA!! USA!!! star Tobin Heath and Manchester City have snapped up the Sweden midfielder Filippa Angeldal.
League One side Bolton have settled their debts with unsecured creditors to avoid further EFL sanctions, including a possible 15-point deduction.
And as Barcelona continue their summer sale with Miralem Pjanic joining Besiktas on loan, Emerson Royal has hit out over his treatment by the club. “When they signed me they already had the idea of selling me in mind,” the new Spurs signing told Marca. “They used kind words but they kicked me out.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Floating footballing brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson might cop an earful from Union Jack Grealish online after a middling review of his display against Hungary.
Barry Glendenning reckons that with the way things are going, Mikel Arteta and Bernard Cribbins might prefer to manage in empty stadiums again.
As the new season begins, Karen Carney cheers the progress the WSL has made in its first decade. Meanwhile, our club preview series concludes with a look at the prospects of La’hn rivals Tottenham and West Ham.
The deals keep on coming before WSL opening weekend. Track them all with our interactive women’s transfer guide.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
