HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM NAPLES?
When The Fiver’s gossip-mongering, tittle-tattling colleague The Rumour Mill resorted to cheap, lazy stereotype while making a quip about a potential Danny Welbeck move to Napoli some years ago, things didn’t end well. He was inundated with angry messages from fans of the club, which in turn posted a chippy statement denouncing his tomfoolery on their website. Indeed, things spiralled so ridiculously out of control that a European Commission bigwig who hailed from the picturesque home of the world’s best pizza and ice cream invited our now traumatised colleague to visit the city, so he could see for himself that it was nothing like the kind of place he had portrayed it to be. It is an invitation that remains open to this day and one The Rumour Mill hopes to accept once he’s reasonably confident there won’t be a 20,000 strong mob of excitable locals waiting to “welcome” him at Napoli International Airport.
Coincidentally enough, that’s the estimated size of the crowd that greeted the players of Napoli upon their return to that very destination in the early hours of this morning. But far from having gathered to pelt a team returning in disgrace with a mixture of verbal volleys and rotten fruit, this particular mob was baying with unbridled joy and excitement. Earlier that evening they had seen their team beat Serie A leaders Juventus in Turin courtesy of a thumping last-minute Kalidou Koulibaly header which closed the gap between the two sides at the top of the table to a solitary point, meaning a title race that had been considered over is back on in earnest. Napoli began the game in second place behind Juve and remain second with four games to go, but Sunday night’s heroic victory means they are nowhere near as second as they were last Wednesday, when it looked like they might end a midweek round of games nine points off the pace set by the reigning champions.
Aiming to win their first scudetto since 1990, when a little known Argentinian named Diego Maradona led them to glory, Napoli became only the third visiting team to win a Serie A match at Juve in more than five years. And while The Fiver is loathe to repeat the same mistake that got his colleague in so much bother, we don’t think we’re resorting to stereotype by suggest the flag- and flare-waving, Vespa-riding fans that escorted their team’s coach back to the training ground were pretty excited, much like their counterparts who had made the long trip to Turin. “We’ll continue to believe in our dream,” said Napoli midfielder Marek Hamsik. “The fans were also crucial. Seeing their excitement before we left outside our hotel fired us up. They were simply fantastic! They gave us a lot of strength and courage! A big thank you.”
While Napoli are considered to have both the easier run-in and the support of neutrals in their role as comparatively plucky underdogs, they are slightly hampered by the fact that Juventus are Juventus, who last failed to win the title in the same year that Osama bin Laden died and Dappy from N-Dubz was still scoring No 1s. On the plus side for Napoli, Juve have revealed that their defender Giorgio Chiellini has torn a hamstring that may well end his season prematurely, while they also have Dries Mertens, Arkadiusz Milik and Lorenzo Insigne on hand to bang in the goals. Sadly for Danny Welbeck, the potential move that caused a breakdown in cultural relations never quite materialised.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The EU is not perfect but it was the best idea we had. History has always shown that when we stay together we can sort out problems. When we split then we start fighting. There was not one time in history where division creates success. So, for me, Brexit still makes no sense” – Donald McRae talks exclusively to Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp.
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THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition.
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Mohamed Salah: The rise of the Egyptian king.
FIVER LETTERS
“There have many tributes to Arsène Wenger from the whole of football since the announcement that he would be leaving but Spurs, their erstwhile rivals have really shown true class by dedicating a whole performance to his Arsenal team of recent years, playing well at first against a big club before collapsing, like a soufflé taken out of the oven too early, at the first sign of anything going against them and then losing in a predictable pit of mediocrity at the end” – Noble Francis.
“I know this sounds like something out of 2008 not 2018, but did you know that Joe Cole scored against Real M. this weekend? Yes indeed, he slotted in the opener for Tampa Bay Rowdies, against Real Monarchs in USA! USA!! USA!!! second division action. If your Monday morning pile of letters is so sparse that you end up using this, I will in all likelihood be the first Fiver letter writer to get two letters published on the trot on the topic of USA! USA!! USA!!! second division action! That would be even more stunning than prizeless letter o’ the day honours” – Peter Oh.
“The Fiver’s claim that the Orlando Sentinel is the ‘the most comprehensive news source of the Central Florida region’ [Friday’s Fiver] may be the most accurate statement The Fiver’s made in years. After all, within 24 hours of breaking the news of Arsène’s departure, the Sentinel made sure to comprehensively report on only the most relevant pieces of news for Central Florida residents, such as Lettuce based E coli outbreaks, the location of local medical marijuana dispenciaries on 4/20 and a family in Michigan with 14 kids. And let’s not forget their tireless efforts to keep up with the ongoing actions of Florida Man. Surely the Fiver could learn a thing or two about proper journalism from the Sentinel’s reporting” – Nayan Karanth.
“In all the myriad ways The Fiver has let me down over the years, you have never before signed off by shouting at me. Well done on creating a new level of terror” –Brendan MacCarron.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Peter Oh.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
After 145 years of being neither relegated nor promoted Gainsborough Trinity exited the Vanarama National League North in the wrong direction after a defeat against Telford on Saturday. “Today we take the poison but we should look forward to tasting the honey next year,” yelped chairman Richard Kane in a statement whose font strayed worryingly close to comic sans.
The FA has said sorry to Tottenham and Manchester United after the official FA Cup Twitter account posted a tweet mocking Harry Kane’s performance against Chris Smalling. No apology yet, though, for the £145 ticket prices some United and Chelsea fans will have to pay to watch the final.
It’s a busy day at the FA. It is to launch an investigation after Manchester City fans did a pitch invasion on Sunday.
Other clubs are already batting their eyelashes at Arsène Wenger, reckons former Arsenal vice-chairman David Dean.
Denmark’s Pernille Harder, England’s Lucy Bronze, Germany’s Dzsenifer Marozsan, Lieke Martens of the Netherlands and Australia’s Sam Kerr are the five names on the shortlist for the BBC women’s footballer of the year gong. Chelsea’s Fran Kirby won the PFA women’s player of the year award on Sunday, while Liverpool’s Mo Salah picked up the men’s trophy.
In Titanic and deckchairs news, League Two Chesterfield have sacked manager Jack Lester with the club all-but relegated to the National League.
And Mohamed Elneny’s season could be over after the Arsenal midfielder picked up ankle-ligament-twang against West Ham.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Mamma miaaaa!!!” It’s Paolo Bandini on that 1-0 win by Napoli over Juve that turned Naples into a giant bouncy castle full of fireworks and free dinners.
Andrés Iniesta belongs to us all, so grab a hankie and read Sid Lowe’s emotional tribute to the departing Barcelona player, who rolled back the years and made the Copa del Rey final his.
Hoffenheim’s Bundesliga resurgence has made Julian Nagelsmann more desirable than ever, swoons Andy Brassell.
Sean Ingle remembers the 1988 Fizzy Cup final, when Luton’s plastic fantastics toppled Arsenal and he was a Wembley ballboy who was treated to a portion of cold chips.
Jacob Steinberg tears his hair out and then comes to the conclusion that deciding if Mo Salah is more deserving of the PFA player of the year gong than Kevin De Bruyne is nigh impossible.
Here’s Amy Lawrence on the elephant in the Emirates Stadium red plastic seats that led Arsène Wenger to decide it was time to do one.
Eric Devin and Adam White on how the battle for second place in Ligue Urrrrrnnnnn is bringing the best out of players hoping to book their place in the France squad for the Ethics World Cup.
And Roma boss Eusebio Di Francesco gets his chat on with Paolo Bandini and doesn’t go off on one about Brexit.
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