Heavy artillery ... Motorhead in concert
I am at war.
By this, I don't mean I've been called up for a tour of duty in Iraq, or that I'm heading for a spell of enforced ping-pong in Iran. No, I am at war with my next door neighbour.
The latest conflict started a couple of weeks ago when I got a couple of guys in to install a fireplace. It's not exactly like demolishing the house, but it's not a job that can be done silently. There was a bit of noise - but not enough that I was unable to carry on working normally-ish throughout. However, the tiniest bit of disruption is clearly too much for the neighbour from hell.
At lunchtime on the first day she was having a go at the workmen. That night, I woke to the sound of a radio being played at ear-splitting volume, at 3am. I suspect the Bat Out of Hell had gone to bed wearing earplugs, set the radio to come off at the most disruptive time possible and kipped cosily while I screamed in terror and didn't sleep again that night.
Well, enough is enough. I have tried being nice. Like Blair, I have tried the forces of diplomacy. But what can you do with someone who won't let children play outside her gates, has a cat deterrent sound generator running all daytime hours and who tears out like a Scud missile if anyone has the temerity to park outside her house?
The answer, of course, is sonic warfare.
I need your help ... what are the records most guaranteed to annoy the hell out of the neighbours? I've already started lining up my battalions. Slade's Cum on Feel the Noise will be used to launch pre-emptive strikes (I particularly like the way Noddy Holder's bellow of "Baby baby baby!" precedes the song's guitar assault).
I might stick with the Slade theme for We'll Bring the House Down (oh, I wish). New Order's Blue Monday will form the attack from the left flank, because the repetitive drum machine introduction sounds rather like a rent man knocking on the door. I might chuck in a few obvious bombs like Ace Of Spades by Motorhead, or AC/DC's self-explanatory If You Want Blood You've Got It.
But something tells me she will have faced metal before, and so I need to think creatively. Einstürzende Neubauten's recorded electric drills and machinery might prove useful - although bear in mind I have to listen to it as its being launched. Or maybe some of you can suggest a demonic assault - records by Californian Satanist bands with recorded backwards messages?
So far I have three proven weapons. The jackhammer rhythms of the last Roni Size album understandably caused her to bang on the wall, as did the jerky, obtuse rhythms of the latest from Modest Mouse, and oddly enough the House of Love's Peel Sessions - although I was playing them several times a day. There's always Noise Annoys by the Buzzcocks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiFkG5UEr1c or, on the same lines, Noise Noise Noise by the Damned. Or, of course, the continued irritation of "house music all night long".
But come on, what other records should I line up? What I need are songs that won't get me into too much trouble with the UN or the local council which are guaranteed to irritate adjoining residents, without driving me up the wall as well. Otherwise I may be forced to unleash the ultimate weapon of mass destruction - the drum kit.
