More than three months after semi-deflated footballs rocked America, the NFL’s investigation into “Deflategate” has been released. You can read the 243-page document penned by investigator Ted Wells in its entirety, or you can read these 10 quick takeaways. Choose wisely.
Tom Brady should never take up poker
No one has ever been worse at bluffing. The quarterback’s Deflategate press conference on 22 January was the equivalent of going all-in with a hand full of Go Fish cards. In that 30-minute presser he repeatedly denied any wrongdoing or knowledge of wrong doing, but those claims appear to have been done in by the slightest bit of investigating. Brady wouldn’t grant investigators access to his own cell phone, but Wells got the cell phones of some Patriots staffers and that was that. It’s not hard to imagine Brady in his 14,000-square foot mansion right now saying: “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for someone actually investigating.”
Ted Wells could use some work on his salesmanship
When America’s biggest sports league gives you several months and no doubt hundreds of thousands of dollars to conduct an investigation, it probably makes sense to deliver them a report that’s most notable phrase is stronger than: “We also have concluded that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities.”
“More probable than not.” “At least generally aware.” Reading wishy-washy language like that has to make some NFL owners wonder what they paid for. And these are people who pay Roger Goodell more than $40m a year.
The NFL would be smart to keep Wells away from its marketing department. “NFL action: It’s more probable than not that you’ll at least generally like it!”
Bill Belichick is the NFL’s untouchable boss
Belichick made it through SpyGate virtually unscathed in 2007, getting fined but keeping his Super Bowl titles and avoiding a suspension, and now he’s made it out of the Wells Report without being implicated. Some low-level equipment managers and maybe his consigliere, Tom Brady, will take the fall, but Belichick will continue on at the top. The question is: Will Belichick lay low after this latest brush with the NFL law, dotting every “i” and crossing every “t,” or will he feel empowered and untouchable? The best bet is that we won’t hear any more accusations until the next time the Patriots beat the Colts by 38 points.
Robert Kraft might be the worst judge of character ever
Back in January, Robert Kraft was doubling down. Before the Super Bowl he said that he expected the league to “apologize to Coach Belichick and Tom Brady for what they have had to endure.” He was equally defiant and smug after the Patriots won the Super Bowl. And now?
It’s peculiar that Kraft was so positive that his team was sinless in the first place, since Belichick already got caught once in his career. But now it appears that his franchise player Brady has let him down, too. And of course there’s Aaron Hernandez, who Kraft gave a $40m extension while the tight end was busy making choice that would end with life in prison. Pro tip: If Robert Kraft writes a letter of reference for someone, don’t hire that person.
Tom Brady’s dad still likes his only son
Not long after the Wells Report came out on Wednesday afternoon, Tom Brady’s father sprang to his defense, telling USA Today Sports: “I don’t have any doubt about my son’s integrity. Not one bit. In this country, you’re innocent until proven guilty. It just seems Tommy is now guilty until proven innocent.” He then added: “This was Framegate right from the beginning.”
Whew! So if Tom Brady was worried his dad would stop loving him over some partially deflated footballs, crisis averted. Hey, many fathers have disowned their children for far less. But now that Tom Brady, Sr, has been inserted into this story, let’s keep digging with this guy. He’s an older man who appears to easily adopt bizarre conspiracy theories without any factual evidence. I mean, “Framegate”? His Facebook page must be a treasure trove of illogical ramblings, from Ball- to Benghazi. And just imagine the emails he forwards.
Equipment guys curse a whole lot
NFL equipment guys are generally ignored, and maybe that’s for the best. If you pay attention to them, you’ll hear some very salty language. In texts released in the Wells Report, Patriots employees Jim McNally and John Jastremski sprinkle their ball communiques with lots of profanity.
“Tom sucks...im going to make that next ball a fuckin balloon,” McNally writes last October.
“The refs fucked us,” Jastremski writes back.
“Fuck tom....make sure the pump is attached to the needle.....fuckin watermelons coming,” McNally writes a week later.
It’s time to retire the phrase “curses like a sailor.” “Curses like an equipment guy” is what to use from here on out.
But why these two men are so bitter and angry is hard to fathom. They make a livable wage in exchange for having multimillionaires scream at them about minor equipment modifications. That’s living the life.
Tom Brady’s “legacy” will now be debated
Is Tom Brady the greatest quarterback ever? Or is he a lying cheat? In “legacy” debates, you can only stake out one side or the other.
Of course, the correct answer is that Tom Brady is one of the greatest quarterbacks ever and, according to Wells, in probability cheated. He’s likely to be both. If he did cheat, that’s not what made him great, but his accomplishments will forever be tarnished. But that sort of stance won’t earn anyone their own talk show.
The NFL opener is going to be awful
The NFL announced two weeks ago that Patriots-Steelers will be the 2015 season’s Thursday night opener. The Steelers will be without star running back Le’Veon Bell, who will be serving the first of a three-game suspension for DUI, and now the Patriots will likely be without Brady.
After the worst off-the-field season in NFL history, the league had to hope 2015 would be a fresh start. Instead, its Game 1 storylines could be one superstar suspended for marijuana and another for cheating. Yikes. It’s terrifying to think what Week 2 will bring.
Circumstantial evidence means everything and nothing
While one might expect there to be video in an investigation of the Patriots, there’s nothing that caught anyone on the Patriots red-handed. There’s no footage of Tom Brady yelling to the team’s equipment guys: “I am Tom Brady and I order you to deflate those football to an illegal level to give our team an unfair playing advantage!” It’s all circumstantial. So the investigation found what we all thought it would: If you like the Patriots, there’s no compelling reason to stop liking them; and if you dislike the Patriots, there’s no compelling reason to stop disliking them. Everyone can just carry on as usual until the next Patriots cheating conspiracy, and then rinse and repeat.
The Patriots still won the Super Bowl
Nothing in the report changes that, no matter how much the most ardent Patriots despisers wish it did. The Patriots still beat the Colts 45-7 in the AFC Championship Game, and they still knocked off the Seahawks in the Super Bowl.
The Wells investigation is over. Now let’s investigate what Pete Carroll was thinking having Russell Wilson throw the ball at the goal line.
