VOODOO DOLLS AND WKD
Not 20 minutes into his debut for Manchester City against Real Madrid in Melbourne, Fabian Delph’s hamstring twanged, and 10,548 miles away in north Birmingham, a cockney’s cockles warmed.
Tactics Tim had been prodding his Voodoo Delph Doll for days, to little effect. But Tim is nothing if not persistent, and with one last poke, the England international collapsed in a heap on the turf, and a rainbow broke out over the West Midlands. Turns out all that backtracking had taken its toll, after all. Zing!
And so just like poor Tim, Manuel Pellegrini found out what it is like to live in a post-Delphian world, for the remaining 70 minutes of the match at least. And it wasn’t pretty: within two minutes of the 25-year-old’s departure, City were 1-0 down. Five minutes later, it was 2-0. Before half-time, Pepe scored to make it 3-0. You get the picture: no Delph, no dice.
“Unfortunately, it looks like Fabian has a problem with his hamstring – we thought it would be useful for him to play 45 minutes but he got the injury so it’s not the best news,” sighed Manchester City manager Pellegrini after the 4-1 defeat, ignoring the big, neon ‘KARMA’ sign that hacks had hastily erected in the post-match press conference. “We will have a more clear diagnostic from the doctor tomorrow.”
Not that Pellegrini did a great job with the rest of his team selection, mind. Who did the Chilean pick in central defence to face the trident of Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema and Gareth Bale? 20-year-old Jason Denayer, who did an adequate job of helping Queen’s Celtic keep the might of the Scottish Premiership at bay last season, and 16-year-old Cameron Humphreys, who … wait, nobody knows what he did last season, because HE IS 16. SIXTEEN. What were you doing at that age? Plucking up the courage to ask the local weirdo to buy you a WKD? Hoping that your mate’s sister didn’t catch you picking your nose? Playing marbles?
“We knew before the game that it was difficult to play against a team with such good attackers without Mangala, Kompany and Demichelis,” Pellegrini reflected. “I thought an excellent way to zap any confidence out of two young defenders was to leave them up sh!t creek without a paddle against Ronaldo, Benzema and Bale, with only a pedestrian Aleksander Kolarov and a bald Bacary Sagna for company,” he didn’t add.
Because when you don’t have a defensive guard-dog of the ilk of Delph – a man that, against all odds, has tackled his way to the top – patrolling the area in between ‘the lines’ against Real Madrid, can you really do anything else than just shrug and let your own miserable fate wash over you? Delph got injured, City lost, another miserable pre-season friendly comes to an end. But don’t worry Manuel: new dawn, new day, new life. Next up … the Vietnam national team: a chance for redemption! Heroes, assemble!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Aberdeen FC has adopted a strong policy regarding the city wide problem with seagulls. The club has employed for the past few seasons now a fully licenced company who specialise in eradicating and controlling these birds. This company have been taking care of the nests and eggs three times a week to keep the birds controlled … we continue to have a hawk flying during the week at Pittodrie and also an hour before doors open on match days. In addition to this, last year we installed an automatic audible warning system which distributes various distress calls from different birds to act as a deterrent. For obvious reasons we cannot fly birds of prey during games” – Aberdeen make it clear that if you’re a seagull hoping to see David Goodwillie in action, you can jog on.
FIVER LETTERS
“Being that I am most definitely single and couldn’t find any other nonproductive thing to do with my time, I decided to read the Fiver and was astonished when I read Herr Zorniger’s quote. I then took the trouble to do some research and I would like to be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that despite the validity of his theory of cranium-to-headphone-size-ratio ridiculousness, the shortest player on Zorniger’s current squad, Emiliano Insúa, stands at a cool 5ft 7in, two inches taller than the 5ft 5in threshold he has set. I will be waiting by the mailbox for my free headphones courtesy of the players of VfB Stuttgart, please and thank you” – Ahmed Aly.
“Herr Zorniger looks a lot like Tony Blair. Hopefully a clevererer Fiver reader than me has already captured this into a snappy/witty little missive (perhaps cross-referencing today’s Oyston/Rourke lookalike prizeless letter o’the day and starting a running theme of lookalike-spotting that will fill the letters section when we run out of footballers-referenced-by-rappers) and I can just be one of the other 1,056 pedants to get a mention. Also, has Rio Ferdinand lost height?” – Rob Hemsley.
“When Lord Harris (carpet purveyor not the Orville voice provider) says that Arsenal can buy “anyone but Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi” I believe he forgot to add ‘a defensive midfielder and a winning mentality’” – Noble Francis.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Ahmed Aly.
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BITS AND BOBS
Jordan Henderson has admitted he wakes up at night screaming and covered in sweat because that shellacking at Stoke, like Freddy Krueger, often infiltrates his dreams. “It will be a day that many of us will never forget,” he cowered. “The way we played, the result, the goals we conceded, everything, it went from bad to worse.”
Rotherham’s Kirk Broadfoot has been slapped with just the 10-game ban for verbally abusing James McClean.
Visa is the latest company to give Fifa a kicking after their chief suit described their response to the corruption crisis as “wholly inadequate”. Yes, that’s the same Visa who stood by Fifa for years without saying a peep.
Plain Old John Terry thinks José Mourinho is the best manager in the world. “He demands the very best from us on a daily basis which is why for me he is the best in the world by a long way,” he pucked up.
But John Obi Mikel has done his best to make POJT look daft by suggesting Mourinho’s judgment is all over the place. “I want to stay [at Chelsea] and the manager wants me to stay,” he honked.
Hulk has pulled out of Saturday’s World Cup qualifying draw days after complaining of “gross and ugly” racism in Russian football.
And West Brom ... zzz ... sale ... in doubt ... zzz.
STILL WANT MORE?
Chad Fat Camp Fiver was disappointed to learn that Freddy Adu was not on this list of the 25 greatest USA! USA!! USA!!! footballers of all time. Click here for numbers next to faces.
Aaron Ramsey gets his hot-chat on with Stuart James and tells him he’s a man, not a baby, who wants to score goals and save elephants.
Is Cristiano Ronaldo on his way back to Old Trafford? Probably not but
that hasn’t stopped the Rumour Mill from speculating.
Alan Smith sat down and rewatched the 1996 FA Cup final so you don’t
have to. Here is what he thinks about those suits and that goal.
Barney Ronay reckons there is a newfound starchiness about Tottenham’s recruitment, a rolling back from all the fun and frolic and he reckons that is not necessarily a bad thing.
If you’re Andy Burnham or Jordan Henderson you may want to buy tickets for this. It’s Lord Ferg in Manchester talking about the leadership skills he learned during his 38 years of management. They go on sale this Sunday. Be quick about it.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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