THE SOUND OF INEVITABILITY
Wicked bigots, a number of whom have recently been trying to seize control of England, are in an advanced state of confusion today as they try to make sense of what they saw during Wednesday night’s West Ham v Chelsea joust in the Coca-Cola Cup. Footage and photographs across a variety of media outlets clearly show rows of valiant individuals trying to stop hordes of mostly white savages from tearing into each other and spilling rivers of blood in the stands in the name of some ancient tribal feud. And lager.
Many half-wits were seen to throw bottles, coins and laughable shapes as they made shows of themselves at the Taxpayers’ Dome and ruin the fun of people who’d come to enjoy one of London’s top 10 derbies. Of course, the fact that around 10,000 tickets went unsold for the game suggests that many people foresaw the outbreak of violent stupidity, having picked up the clues from West Ham’s previous attempts to safeguard supporters at their spacious new home. That new brand that Karren Brady said she and her highly respected employers want to give West Ham isn’t looking too hot right now. Perhaps there are some forms of adult entertainment they can’t quite handle.
West Ham were a lot quicker to condemn the violence than they were to prevent it and they released a statement to say they would help the authorities take action after the event. They also pointed out that at least the stadium has good viewing equipment – and they weren’t referring to the binoculars that fans bring to try to identify players on the pitch. “London Stadium is fitted with a state of the art CCTV system which provides HD footage of every area of the ground and has led to the successful identification and subsequent banning of 23 individuals already this season,” trumpeted a club statement. “Once identified, those found to have acted improperly will be banned from attending any West Ham United fixtures for life and we will request the courts serve banning orders to prevent these individuals attending any other football.” In the meantime, how many other people have been put off attending?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“How do we keep the dream alive in Europe? For me, that is cross-border. It is giving clubs the chance to play against other big teams for a big prize. That prize might be entry back into [Big Cup]” – SFA chief suit Stewart Regan reckons Scottish fitba needs to suck it up and get with a new cross-border competition.
FIVER LETTERS
“I, for one, wonder whether Tino Asprilla is the perfect spokesman for a new line of condoms (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). As anyone who played behind him at Newcastle would surely attest, he offered no protection whatsoever” – Daniel Doody.
“Stuart Hodge (yesterday’s Fiver letters) may be surprised to learn that Sunderland, far from being ‘significantly to the east of Fiver Towers’, is really about 50 miles to the west. In fact, I reckon every town in the north is west of Fiver Towers (assuming ‘the north’ starts somewhere around the Humber). We tend to think of the east coast as being more or less north-south aligned but it actually veers as sharply off to the left as Weird Uncle Fiver trying to fit in at a Momentum rally” – Peter Charsley.
“Re: Stuart Hodge and choosing life as a Championship contender over being a Premier League also-ran. As a Newcastle fan, I was almost at the point of feeling the same way. The experience of looking at the results with a mixture of excitement and expectation is without doubt better than looking at them with a mixture of dread and frustration. So much so that I was on the cusp of preferring life in the Championship to that of life in the best league in the world. However, that was before I saw Football on 5: The Championship for the first time. Having to watch the highlights of a winning performance on what appears to be an A-level media studies project, staffed by pundits whose only qualification for the role seems to be that they own a suit, has killed my budding love for my team’s new league. Say what you like about losing in the Premier League, at least you could watch it on a show with high production values” – Joe Matthews.
“Might I request that The Fiver follows this trend?” – Patrick Brennan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Peter Charsley, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you the lucky one? We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Life isn’t getting any better for Sunderland manager Gil Gunderson after he was sent to the stands during their Milk Cup exit at Southampton before being forced to stay on the south coast for an extra night after fog cancelled their flight north. “At the moment our luck’s out but it’ll change,” he sighed.
FA suits have charged José Mourinho with misconduct over his comments about ref Anthony Taylor before Manchester United’s 0-0 draw at Liverpool.
Here’s the draw for the Rumbelows Cup quarter-finals: Liverpool v Nasty Leeds, Manchester United v West Ham, Hull City v Newcastle United, and Arsenal v Southampton.
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Mark Warburton has played down reports linking him with the Wigan job. “I am the manager of [the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers], I would never talk about another club or another job,” he tooted. “I am just amazed that it even makes the tabloids.”
And Cologne’s sporting director Jörg Schmadtke – he of the tossing gum at Julian Nagelsmann – made light of the incident when giving his 29-year-old counterpart a pack of Hubba Bubba after Wednesday’s 2-1 cup win over Hoffenheim. “The matter is done now. If anything, since the incident I have had an amicable relationship with Julian,” he cheered. “We have spoken from time to time over WhatsApp since. He’s been very friendly and not blown up the matter.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Just as West Ham were starting to feel at home, fans let the club down, writes Jacob Steinberg. Meanwhile, we also get the fans’ view: “Who would subject their kids to that kind of atmosphere?”
Hipster favourites St Pauli are having quite the impact far and wide: inspiring fans in Yorkshire to unite and help refugees.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn has been along to League One club Bury to get to the bottom of the club’s financial situation.
Edin Dzeko’s mini-renaissance has been helping Roma do the business at the top of Serie A.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic was a bit Jeykll and Hyde in Manchester United’s derby victory, so says Andy Hunter.
Carlos Alberto, an oddball spot-kick and more. It’s this week’s Classic YouTube roundup.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
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