Open TikTok and no doubt you’ll fast be served a video about living with ADHD. Increased awareness and long waiting lists for a diagnosis have created a perfect storm for engagement with content on the topic — whether it’s accurate or not.
There’s the videos about spotting the symptoms in yourself. Then there’s the edits about the daily struggles experienced by people with the condition — inattention at work or school, forgetting plans with friends, making seemingly rash decisions. As well as the diaries told from the perspective of a partner of someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
But author Amber Medland thinks that misinformation remains rife. And that stereotypes prevail, particularly around dating and relationships with people with ADHD.
“Social media is performance-based and click-driven, which incentivises creators to exaggerate or create caricatures of ADHD traits to build an audience,” she posits.
Also damaging, she thinks, is the belief in over-diagnosis. “The nature of the condition means people persist in thinking that it is over-diagnosed. But ADHD is louder on the internet. Give impulsive people smartphones, and they'll tweet.”
Medland suggests that: “the surge in diagnoses is actually a ‘catch up’: pre-pandemic, ADHD was largely recognised in white boys — leaving women, people of colour, and quiet people undiagnosed and struggling.
“Increased awareness (especially during lockdowns when people's coping mechanisms broke down spectacularly) meant that many people who’d slipped under the radar finally got identified,” she says.
These people are the audience for her new book — along with their loved ones. In Attention Seeker (out now) she discusses how the ‘attention economy’ makes it even harder to cut through the noise with an unfiltered and accurate narrative around ADHD.
The tome is written specifically for ADHD brains, with illustrations by artist Ruby etc. It aims to shed light on what it’s really like to live with the condition, why it can be left undiagnosed and is often misunderstood.
Medland was diagnosed in her teens and in her book looks at how ADHD intersects with the experience of everything from education to employment. It also touches on romantic relationships and dating.
Here, she sorts fact from fiction on the topic of love for those with ADHD, and in the process, reveals what she wishes more neurotypical people knew about dating someone with the condition.
Dating apps can become a dopamine-boosting ‘game’
App dating can be addictive for anyone, but Medland says this is particularly true for people with ADHD. “Dating apps are gamified dopamine delivery systems. Our dopamine baseline is naturally lower. So it keeps you pulling the lever. It can mean starting conversations and then instantly getting bored; I had over 30 people blocked at one point so I wouldn't have to see the body count,” she recalls.
“It took me ages to realise that I was hooked on the process of using dating apps — namely curating my own profile as if it were a piece of art, and swiping, rather than being invested in an end goal,” adds Medland.
I went on an unholy number of first dates without any expectations of clicking with someone
There might not be a clear trajectory in mind
Amber remembers that saying yes to a date with someone she met on an app didn’t necessarily guarantee she was ‘into’ them.
“Dopamine-hunting might also mean you end up ‘rewarding’ someone, by saying yes to a date, purely for crafting one funny sentence, rather than seeking genuine compatibility,” she says.
“I went on an unholy number of first dates without any expectations of clicking with someone. And I went on more than one out of sheer curiosity, with guys who had only used a single photo of themselves — and it was often a The Phantom of the Opera-style mask. Once there, I just looked forward to returning to my friends after to laugh and eat pizza,” Medland admits.
Clear communication from a potential partner is key
Medland explains that as ‘low executive function’ is part of ADHD, she can have difficulty with things such as planning, organising and task management. Therefore taking the lead on these things if you’re dating someone with ADHD can be a huge help. “Along with decision paralysis it can make figuring out the logistics behind a date a barrier to going on them.”
“I’m always grateful when someone proactively suggests a time and place. It saves me literally hours of deliberation (and about 40 open tabs),” she says. “If your date knows you have ADHD, this kind of consideration goes a long way.”
Oh, and be specific, Medland adds. “Including the postcode is also key. I’ve turned up at the wrong branch of a pub multiple times.”
ADHD women are cast as high-maintenance pets, a stereotype which I worry attracts controlling men
Don’t believe what you see on social media
Some of the tropes around dating someone with ADHD which are seen on social media can be damaging, Medland explains. “I see a lot of content where neurotypical partners take a caretaking role while their ADHD partner runs around. ADHD women are cast as high-maintenance pets, a stereotype which I worry attracts controlling men.”
Splitting tasks the right way will help keep things harmonious
Medland says that once in a relationship, finding your groove means splitting tasks according to natural aptitude. So the same as in any solid relationship. “It’s true that in some relationships [where one person has ADHD] one partner takes on more practical tasks, but both partners being aware of this fact can balance that out.”
For example, she says: “My boyfriend cleans more, but I do far more kin-keeping, planning, and the invisible labour of keeping our lives running. Everyone needs help in different ways. With understanding, ADHD can be an invitation to interdependence rather than imbalance.”
Day dates aren’t always a good idea
“The time-windows in which I can work are quite short, so I would never sacrifice daytime for a date, which rules out coffee.” says Medland. “Also, most of us have to be careful with caffeine.”
Over the years, Medland has learnt some strong coping mechanisms to help herself feel present on dates. “What really helped me was always walking to a date, to burn off some of the excess energy and mental restlessness, and clear my head. Also picking either activities I wanted to do anyway (to put less pressure on the date), or allotting myself one-hour windows at the pub was key. It meant that time-blindness wouldn’t make me feel I’d be stuck on a terrible date forever. I would set a (silent) timer on my phone.”
A diagnosis should be revealed at the person’s own pace
When to reveal a diagnosis is very much up to the individual, says Medland. “If the first thing you tell someone is that you have ADHD, that’s 100 per cent of what they know about you. If you tell them later on, it might be 10 per cent.
“If you say it early on, they’re also likely to project everything they know or think they know about ADHD onto you, which given our media environment is not a fun experience. I often ended up disclosing anyway, if only because the way I talk confused people, but I hope if I were still dating now, I wouldn’t feel the need to preface my strangeness with an apology.”
There is so many joy to be found in dating someone with ADHD
Medland sees far more negatives than positives portrayed about dating an ADHD partner, and so it means the many positives are often under reported. “Largely because of stereotypes perpetuated by social media, some people assume ADHD people make terrible partners — messy people who will forget dates and only talk about themselves,” she says.
However, “in fact, ADHD brings a lot to a relationship. Life is rarely dull. To speak in broad generalisations, built on talking to roughly 50 people for my book, we have high levels of empathy, imagination, and a great sense of humour with a strong appreciation for the absurd.”
Dating within the neurodivergent community can make for a great match
Several apps, including Mattr and Hiki, now exist to facilitate dating among the neurodivergent community, and Medland thinks this is a great thing. “We tend to vibrate at the same frequency, so there’s a natural chemistry,” she thinks. “The ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder] and ADHD match can be electric because ADHD partners bring spontaneity, creativity, and social fluidity, while autistic partners can provide structure, calm, and clarity.”
But as well as difference, there’s also similarities, which make for common ground says Medland. “We share some of the same struggles like difficulty with transitions and sensory processing issues, and with social reciprocity — both groups talk towards their special interests — but when two people are doing that it’s not a problem, it’s just an interesting conversation, with the small talk cut out.
“Many ADHD people are hypersensitive and emotional, and with autistic people, you tend to know exactly where you stand which is reassuring,” she adds.
Women with ADHD aren’t wilder in bed
“There’s a persistent stereotype that women with ADHD are wild in bed,” says Amber, who spoke to dozens of people with ADHD for her book. “I think this has happened due to people confusing ‘lacking inhibitions’ and ‘lacking impulse control’.
“One may result in fantastic sex, but the other is more likely to lead to vivid fantasies, poorly executed,” she posits.
“Women with ADHD have more frequent and riskier sex largely due to impulsivity and low self-esteem. Sadly, we’re also less likely to find sex satisfying, and have significantly fewer and less consistent orgasms due to distractibility and difficulty staying in the moment,” she adds. “A lot of us also find it impossible to turn down the volume in our heads, which can make sex feel like another thing on the to-do list.”
Though as with all sexual relationships, Medland says finding a compatible partner can help make things more satisfying. “On the plus side, the ADHD imagination is wild, and a partner who understands your brain can help channel that, whether through a filthy narrative or just enough sensory grounding to keep you in your body.”
Amber Medland is the author of Attention Seeker: The Truth about ADHD, (£18.73, amazon.co.uk).
