Jillian Turecki, a relationship expert and New York Times Bestselling author, has revealed the one "really painful" habit that can "end relationships".
In the latest episode of her podcast, Jillian on Love, she shared how "keeping score" with your partner can lead to a loss of love and, eventually, the breakdown of your relationship.
"Keeping score will turn a giver into a taker," she said. "And it is actually really painful because anyone who considers themself and feels like a very generous person, you take pride in the fact that generosity is a high value of yours.
"You are a giver by nature, and then you find yourself in a relationship, and you are withholding that because you feel like it's not being reciprocated, like you're kind of gatekeeping your generosity," she added.
Whether you feel like it's always you making the effort to plan unforgettable date nights, while your partner sits back and doesn't show much interest in your ideas, or even in just your date night outfits. Or maybe it's always you who cooks them dinner, and they never so much as order you a takeaway on hectic nights.
When you feel like your generosity isn't being reciprocated, Jillian says she knows that it "feels awful," and it can be so easy to stop being generous until you feel like your partner has evened out the score by doing something generous for you.
But, she says, "going against your very nature" and withholding your generosity is not a healthy decision and comes from a place of "pain".
She explained, "When we keep score, more times than not, it's not because someone is a bad person or deeply immature or toxic. It's really just coming from pain and not knowing what to do with that pain."
So, how can you stop keeping score and get your relationship back on track? Ultimately, there is one thing you need to realise.
Jillian said, "No good ever comes from withholding your love and your generosity in a relationship because when we become withholding, we think we're punishing our partner, and we are on some level. But we're also punishing ourselves because we are then participating in a dynamic where we are becoming as selfish as we perceive our partner to be.
"Then you have two people who were once in love not not connecting at all. And then they get to a point of no return," she added.
What you need to do is improve "communication," Jillian says. And this starts by understanding both your and your partner's love language better.
Jillian explained, "In order to break this terrible habit of scorekeeping, you have to first understand how you give and how your partner gives. And then [understand] what the two of you are doing in reaction to not feeling like you are being given to."
