BETTER THAN ALL THE REST? REALLY?
A lot of hard slaps were dished out at La Scala in Milan on Monday night. But that makes it sound like some dreadful, unseemly rumble in which a lot of right-handers were thrown, when in actuality it was a most refined affair. You see, there was a lot of backslapping going on. An awful lot. Close your eyes, and you could be forgiven for assuming the ghosts of Buddy Rich, Jaki Liebezeit and Keith Moon had turned up to record a cover version of Antmusic. Or that a load of pundits, presenters and journalists had just logged on to Social Media Disgrace Twitter for their nightly org1astic conflab. Ow! Give it a rest, will you, The Fiver’s developing tinnitus over here. But no. It was actual backslapping, good old hearty hard backslapping, at a Fifa awards ceremony that has nothing to do with the Ballon d’Or, or maybe it once did, we can’t keep up to tell the truth.
In the room, the judges come and go, talking of Megan Rapinoe. And so she won women’s player of the year, fair enough given her sterling efforts in France. Jürgen Klopp landing the men’s manager of the year award wasn’t too outrageous a decision either, plus it gave him opportunity to road-test some new material for his next Netflix special. (Still very much a work in progress, if the number of pins we heard drop after each carefully honed zinger is anything to go by.) But Lionel Messi winning men’s player of the year? Come off it and come on! All he did was score 51 goals, most of them in the poor man’s Scottish Premiership, and disappear in a sulk upon getting clipped round the lug by Andy Robertson. No wonder Cristiano Ronaldo stayed at home with his trotters up.
Elsewhere, the gong for women’s goalkeeper of the year was handed to Alisson, at least for a while on the Fifa website, until somebody bothered to double-check it. This sort of thing would never happen to Adrián. But there was finally some good news for long-suffering Nasty Leeds, who have been officially rebranded by Fifa as reward for Marcelo Bielsa ordering his team to let in an equaliser against Aston Villa because Plain Old John Terry was about to throw a red-faced tantrum and it wasn’t worth the tear-up. Only time will tell if Hello Sun Hello Sky Hello Trees Let’s Skip And Sing And Dance And Play! Leeds catches on.
It’s not going to catch on, is it. Because let’s face it, these sort of awards don’t really mean much. Michael Owen was European player of the year in 2001, for goodness sake. See, if it was up to us, we’d have given the men’s award to Alfredo Morelos, the top scorer in the actual Scottish Premiership. As we’re pretty sure you’ll agree, his 18 goals are worth nearly three times the ones handed on a plate in Spain to Messi. Plus he’s a whole lot of hot-headed fun. Much more entertaining. We like him. He’s the Best.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“They’re a frightening prospect. I’ve watched the highlights and it was 8-0 going on 15 or 16-0 – it’s like a hurricane coming at you. We wanted one of the best, we’ve got our wish and I hope I don’t regret it” – Preston boss Alex Neil pulls down the Deepdale storm shutters in anticipation of Manchester City’s potentially nasty visit in the Milk Cup.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Nick Kershaw (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Wouldn’t It Be Good if we could all win a prize (or not) by recycling Viz jokes from about 20 years ago? The evidence here” – Tim Woods (and 1,056 others).
“Well done to Manchester United for considering a standing section for their fans (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). That will undoubtedly make it easier for fans to safely exit the stadium, particularly between the 60th and 75th minutes of most dire home matches” – Mike Wilner.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United might be bobbins on the field, but … wait, get the open-top bus parade booked: they’ve won the Revenue Cup again, crunching £627.1m through Old Trafford’s coffers in the last financial year. Ed Woodward would still prefer a shiny pot, mind. “Everyone at Manchester United is committed to delivering on our primary objective of winning trophies,” he cheered, as Phil Jones guffawed behind him.
England boss Phil Neville has recalled midfielder Jordan Nobbs for upcoming friendlies against Brazil and Portugal after she recovered from long-term knee-knack. Full squad: Millie Bright (Chelsea), Lucy Bronze (Lyon), Rachel Daly (Houston Dash), Mary Earps (Manchester United), Beth England (Chelsea), Alex Greenwood (Lyon), Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers) [younger sibling, similar habits – Fiver Ed], Steph Houghton (Manchester City), Fran Kirby (Chelsea), Aoife Mannion (Manchester City), Abbie McManus (Manchester United), Beth Mead (Arsenal), Jordan Nobbs (Arsenal), Nikita Parris (Lyon), Ellie Roebuck (Manchester City), Jill Scott (Manchester City), Demi Stokes (Manchester City), Jodie Taylor (Reign FC), Carly Telford (Chelsea), Keira Walsh (Manchester City), Leah Williamson (Arsenal).
Hampshire fuzz have put a dispersal order in place which allows them to ask anyone they don’t like the look of to leave Southampton or Portsmouth for 48 hours as they prepare for potential bother before Pompey v Saints in the Fizzy Cup.
Liverpool look to be heading to court for a battle with current kit supplier New Balance after reports emerged linking the Big Cup champions with a switch to Nike. “We can confirm that our kit supplier, New Balance, has commenced a legal dispute against the club. We will not be making any further comment during these legal proceedings,” tooted a Liverpool suit.
And Ian McCall loves Partick Thistle so much that he’s left second-placed Scottish Championship side Ayr United to take the reins at the rock-bottom Jags. “There is a real emotional pull here,” he quivered, wiping away a hot salty tear.
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STILL WANT MORE?
“You could feel the hatred.” Ben Fisher chats to veterans of the spicy old Pompey-Saints rivalry, the latest instalment of which comes in the Rumbelows Cup.
Megan Rapinoe is the world’s best player in every sense of the word, writes Caitlin Murray.
Leo Messi isn’t half good too, adds Barney Ronay.
Sid Lowe on Barcelona’s recurring nightmare, ever since that Big Cup capitulation at Anfield.
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