BIG HANDS FOR A BIG CUP
For all its many fascinating subplots, Saturday’s Big Cup final is really all about one man. OK, two men. Three at a push or possibly four, five or six men … not including the two men tasked with actually picking the two teams of 11 men in which these aforementioned seven, eight or nine – OK, let’s make it a round 10 – men will feature. But as far as The Fiver is concerned, it is really about one man: Gianluigi Buffon. The man they call Gigi. Or to put it more simply, just … the man.
On Saturday night in Cardiff, with his massive be-gloved hands at the end of spindly windmilling arms, this 39-year-old Italian Mickey Mouse watch in human form will attempt to win his first Big Cup final at the third time of asking, in what the shifting sands of time suggest may well be his last chance to tick that particular honour off his football bucket list. It is the only major honour to have eluded the Old Lady’s old man, who famously refused to leave his club when they were dumped into the Italian second division for their role in the 2006 Calciopoli scandal, a controversy that sensationally revealed that, contrary to popular opinion, far fewer Italian football matches were rigged than most of us thought.
Asked why he wasn’t deserting his club like so many of his former team-mates, Buffon’s answer was beautiful in its simplicity. “Because I have never won Serie B,” he explained, diving acrobatically to avoid being crushed in the stampede of rats hastily deserting the listing ship HMS Old Lady. Now Gigi has his sights set on Big Cup, where he and the Juve central defensive portcullis of Leonardo Bonucci, Giorgio Chiellini and the other guy will be forced to repel Him and his supporting cast if they are to prevent Real Madrid from lifting the trophy. Having conceded only three goals in 12 Big Cup matches so far this season, you’d back them to do so. Not least because they’re playing a team that has only kept one clean sheet and has conceded two or more goals on five occasions in their dozen outings. Look how easy it is to make Real Madrid sound like a pub team, if it suits your Friday afternoon narrative.
“I don’t look at [Big Cup] as the trophy that evades me but yes it is a big dream for me to win it,” said Gigi, who hopes to join players such as Scott Carson and Dida in the pantheon of goalkeeping greats to have got their big foam mitts on a winner’s medal. “Zidane has created a fantastic Real Madrid team and they will be looking to create their own history by winning consecutive Big Cup titles. We all know about the quality of their players – all we can do now is be as well prepared as possible.” It is also a big dream of the Fiver’s for Gigi to win it, particularly with the decisive penalty save in a shootout that leaves him on his knees with fists raised to the heavens in triumph as his team-mates rush to embrace him ... and Him on his knees with fists thumping the ground in frustration as His team-mates roundly ignore him.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I hope to provide them with an experience they have never had before and encourage people to play football from an early age. Hopefully, they will feel that I am around when visiting the park” – Lionel Messi announces news that a Lionel Messi theme park is to be built in China, no doubt to be followed by a Him-themed one with a bigger rollercoaster that isn’t as much fun but is still highly effective.
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FIVER LETTERS
“How about calling Joe Hart and Claudio Bravo droppel-clangers or something. I haven’t quite thought this through but I’m sure there is comedy in there somewhere” – Gavin O’Sullivan.
“Following up on my Prizeless Letter O’ the Day, may I present a little Trivia o’ the Day? While there have been 10 ‘City’ clubs in the Premier League, Huddersfield Town will be only the third ‘Town’ club (after Ipswich and Swindon) in the league’s history. May the Terriers enjoy more success than one-hit wonder Swindon (last place in 1993-94)” – JJ Zucal.
“Inexplicably popular music combo The Black Eyed Peas are performing at the Big Cup opening ceremony. Is it too late to arrange a START FOOTBALL campaign?” – Darren Leathley.
“Don’t Barnet play at ‘The Hive’ while Saracens rugby club play at Allianz Park? Let’s not get into the history of why Barnet play in the borough of Harrow after being denied permission to move to Barnet Copthall (aka Allianz Park), which is owned by the borough of Barnet. Keep up your good work on lower league reporting” – Brendan Mackinney.
“Interesting thing about the New York Mets (Thursday’s last line). They hail from the almost-suburban borough of Queens, and are a long subway slog from Manhattan. When I was a mere boy and beardless youth in NYC, you’d take your kid brother to the Mets, but you’d take your girlfriend to the Yankees, just 10 minutes from Times Square. Anyway, it’s pretty for Mr Met to give the middle finger, since he only has four of them on each hand” – Jerry Slaff.
“With regard to Ed Taylor’s call for Wenger to have been diagnosed with credit-gah (Thursday’s letters), surely in these austere times he has suffered from ‘credit crunch?’” – Adam Brewer.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is… Gavin O’Sullivan.
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BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa chief suit Keith Wyness has been fined £10,000 and suspended for three weeks by the FA for retweeting a social media video asking if referees had disabilities. “I will go to my grave knowing it was an honest mistake,” Wyness said.
Um.
Marouane Fellaini reckons the Chinese Super League may be just the place for him to showcase his incredible ability to bring a ball down from half a mile in the air with his chest. “I’m now a Manchester United player but I do not rule out such a transfer in the future,” he blathered.
Ah.
Roma bean-counters have told Liverpool that if they want to sign Mohammed Salah, who turned up his nose at an £11m move to Anfield four years ago, they’ll have to cough up more than £28m.
Hmmm.
Igor Biscan has emerged from the wilderness and been appointed manager of Olimpija Ljubljana in Slovenia.
Oh.
And Oxford City announced their new signing Matt Paterson with a picture of him inking his name all over a contract in a McDonald’s of course.
STILL WANT MORE?
For all his rather unfair reputation as a big-stage, line-fluffer, Gonzalo Higuaín has absolutely thrived in the limelight at Juventus and is their key spearhead in tomorrow’s Big Cup final in Cardiff. So says Paolo Bandini – and he should know.
And if Proper Italian Defending is your thing, Chris Weir’s here to explain Andrea Barzagli, ‘the best signing Juventus ever made’.
On the subject of Juve’s opponents, all hail Isco, Real Madrid’s bandy-legged musician, hails Sid Lowe. “My football comes from the streets,” the player roars.
Liverpool’s signing of Chelsea teenager Dominic Solanke has put the spotlight once again on how young talent is spat out and neglected in English football. Richard Williams laments big clubs’ lack of faith in homegrown youngsters
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