Irn-Bru has long advertised itself as fuel for hard-as-nails Scotsmen who’d headbutt your teeth down your neck if you so much as breathed in a manner that disrespected them. But now, the fizzy drink is rebranding itself as calming: a beverage for people who need a bit of reassurance, like a fizzy chillzone for your brain. And who needs a helping hand in times of high stress? Mums.
In the new ad, Lovely Dowdy Mum (copyright: all adverts ever) brings her son a sandwich and a can of pop to his bedroom, only to find he’s staring out of the window, listening to generic rock music through his headphones while using a hand-held grip strengthener… but from the back it looks as if he’s interfering with himself. Instead of slamming the door shut and avoiding the subject for the next 60 years, or laughing and shaming him, Mum just calmly sips an Irn-Bru.
What?! Which teenagers are so keen not to disturb their family home that they plug their headphones into a stereo system to listen to music? Has the iPhone not reached Scotland yet? Why doesn’t the mum of a 16-year-old knock before entering his bedroom? Isn’t Mum a tiny bit worried her son is staring out across his neighbours’ gardens to pleasure himself, instead of looking at the internet?
All these questions disappear as Mum’s worries melt away with just two gulps of Irn-Bru. “Ah well. Practice makes perfect,” she sighs. Because if there’s one thing that teenage boys don’t practice enough, it’s wanking. Irn-Bru: the drink for people who want to calmly watch their family masturbate.
