Heineken’s latest Bond-themed advert opens and Daniel Craig, his face like an alcoholic soft toy, is running away from some bad men, slowing them down microscopically by flicking wicker baskets at their shins. What’s the rush? And why is he wearing gorgeous formal footwear so ill-suited to running, a practice he must have realised would be common in his line of work?
No time for answers. The bad men are coming. Craig commandeers a boat, accidentally yanking along an attached and hapless water skier. Said skier, at the mercy of Craig’s erratic steering, sweeps up a tray of Heineken bottles on her travels, but not before she has careered into an alfresco wedding, hacked scythe-like at their floral arrangements, and stolen the groom’s hat. Let us state things plainly: Daniel Craig, albeit indirectly, has destroyed that couple’s wedding day. Finally, the bad men dispatched and Craig united with his startled skier, the old devil proffers a single word: “Lunch?” Yes, is the assumed response. Let us again state things plainly: there is no lunch in sight. The lunch is the Heinekens. Craig, it seems, is happy to consume an alcoholic beverage while at the helm of an actual boat.
Heineken, of course, is trying to say: while the world burns around you, never fear – we, Heineken, are the unflappable elder statesman, the Terry Wogan of lager. Its advert tells a different story: it seems to convey not only that Heineken can be consumed as a food substitute but also that it is the perfect beer to drink should you find yourself in charge of a seafaring vehicle in the early afternoon. Each of these claims should be treated with the utmost suspicion.
