There is a saying about bears. You will have heard it before. And you will be reminded of it constantly during the new Center Parcs ad. But, first, look at how submerged we’ve become in gloopy John Lewis faux-sentimentalism. In the past, an advert for Center Parcs would have consisted of nothing more than a couple of kids going “whee”’ on a waterslide. But now, in this cruel post-Moon Hitler landscape, Center Parcs has instead opted to hand us a mini-movie about ennui and alienation and hamfisted plinky-plonk cover versions. This is an advert designed to prompt idiots into tweeting about how much it made them cry. It’s about a holiday camp, for crying out loud. Something has gone terribly wrong.
Anyway, there are these bears, and they’re all stuck in their own hellscape of detached gloom. Mummy bear toils away in a strip-lit office away from her husband, who glumly eats alone while baby bear rots in front of the TV. Once upon a time, the bears would have found common purpose by killing and eating a child intruder. But this is 2015 so they go to Center Parcs instead, here represented by an area of open woodland. This is where you’ll be reminded of the saying. The advert ends with the bears merrily charging into the woods as fast as they can. And what do bears do in the woods? They poo relentlessly, that’s what. This is an advert about some bears who start pooing and then never stop pooing. “Come to Center Parcs and have a really nice long poo” – that’s what this advert is saying. Poo wherever you like. Poo on the waterslide for all anyone cares, we’re all friends here. Whee!
