‘KANE, I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER, I’M GONNA LEARN HOW TO FLY’
In case you were wondering why the Fiver is wearing its Harry Kane mask and Harry Kane pyjamas, it’s Harry Kane Week. It also has a tattoo of Harry Kane on its chest and a shrine to Harry Kane in the cardboard box it likes to call home, but that has nothing to do with it being Harry Kane Week, that’s just … how to put this … that’s just a hobby … nothing illegal about it … there’s no need for anyone to alert the authorities. Put down the phone. Move your hand away from the phone. Step away from the phone. Come here. Take one of the Fiver’s Harry Kane masks. Put it on. It’s Harry Kane Week, you have to wear the mask. Things are going to go south if you don’t wear the mask, so just relax and turn that frown upside down. Everything’s going to be OK. It’s Harry Kane Week.
The Tottenham Hotspur hotshot is the man who has breathed new life into the nation. The Fiver hasn’t checked but it is pretty sure that the main theme to the upcoming general election has centred around how each party will ensure that Kane keeps scoring. It’s all anyone can talk about. Nothing is more important, not with Kane set to make his first start for England in tomorrow’s highly significant friendly against Italy. Kane is fresh from making a goalscoring debut against Lithuania on Friday night, his header in a 4-0 victory that edged England closer to the glory of qualifying for Euro 2016, leaving him a mere 48 goals behind Sir Bobby Charlton’s record. Rest assured, he’ll have made that up in no time at all.
“Keep the Tory party in power and I will make Harry Kane my minister for goals,” David ‘Dave’ Cameron presumably announced in an interview earlier today, while Labour’s Ed ‘Ed’ Miliband likely hailed the 21-year-old as a unifying force for good, someone who can make Great Britain great again. “People can doubt me all they want,” Miliband maybe but probably didn’t roar. “But they also doubted Harry Kane when he was pulling up literally no trees while he was on loan at Leicester City. Would you like to see my tattoo?”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can pretty much see the whole pitch apart from the goalmouth at the end I watch it from. It is quite a good vantage point” – crafty Poole Town boss Tom Killick, banned from the sidelines for six matches, explains how an attic window in the groundsman’s house, just yards from the pitch, has allowed him to see his side’s home matches.
FIVER LETTERS
“Did Israel’s coach, Eli Guttman, inadvertently implicate himself in some kind of snooping scandal by admitting he got hold of His number (Friday’s quote of the day) or was he just making a bad joke? I’m assuming, in keeping with the Fiver, it was the latter” – George Rodgers.
“Can the Fiver please, please, please, please, please STOP INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL? NOW!” – Toby Merrick.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Spartak Moscow players had a whip round for a 102-year-old fan, who also happens to be the most Russian-looking man ever, and raised £5,400 after his life-savings were stolen. “I bow my head to everyone who understood this situation,” said Otto Fischer, who is even older than Clint Hill.
Man City full-back Aleksandar Kolarov is already busy perusing the Italian version of Right Move. “I’d like to return to Italy, but it’s difficult,” he said, hovering over a nice-looking villa on the outskirts of Rome. “I’m happy for [Sinisa] Mihajlovic, he’s doing very well, as are Lazio.”
Javier Hernández, who chose to go to a club with Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema and Him in attack, wants the moon on a stick and more first-team opportunities at Real Madrid. “I co-operate, I help and give my 100% in training … I’m in a team but left out of what is important, which are the games,” he sniffed.
Newcastle have announced a record profit of £18.7m which, the Fiver assumes, helps offset the club’s chronic lack of ambition.
And Wrexham boss Kevin Wilkin has been given a one-way ticket to Destination Do One after the club’s FA Trophy final defeat by North Ferriby United yesterday. “We have not made the progress expected,” sniffed a club statement.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
STILL WANT MORE?
Tom Bryant has taken time out of his busy schedule of being famous and having My Chemical Romance fans queue up to see him to get out his big calculator and crunch the numbers on this season’s Premier League stats. You can see what they reveal over here.
The amazing story of Lazio’s centenary season, as told by Blair Newman for Guardian Sport Network.
Jacob Steinberg talks to Jack Collison about the midfielder’s time at West Ham, the trouble with knack and how, like the Fiver, he finds writing therapeutic.
And if today’s Rumour Mill is to be believed, Emmanuel Adebayor is doing one to Chelsea. But then, what sort of eejit believes the Mill? Oh.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
