IN … WELL, BELGIUM
Leicester City were once not so good at football, but now they’re ever so good at football, a change in circumstance that is pretty hard for the human brain to compute. As such, it is no surprise to discover that more books have been written on the subject than on other, relatively simple phenomena, such as string theory, space travel, Liverpool nearly winning the league and the existence of God. Talking of whom, when he sticks one past any of his various loyal custodians, does he point to, or thank himself? And assuming he does, has he ever been charged with doping or match-fixing?
But we digress. On Wednesday, Leicester City, once not so good at football but now ever so good at football, take on Club Brugge in Big Cup. And what’s funny about it is, rather like Trevor Brooking getting that winner in the cup final with his head when he didn’t otherwise get many with his head, Club Brugge, now not so good at football, were once ever so good at football. Indeed, in 1978, they even made it to the European Cup final, either reflecting a competition not reverse-means-tested, or a competition populated by a bunch of outfits so nondescript that it was consistently won by those from England.
Currently, Brugge lie 10th in a domestic league so tame it doesn’t even have a popular and catchy alias for European football experts to casually drop like they learnt it in the womb. As it happens, the Belgian First Division A – known as Bifda by those who really know – is topped by Zulte Waregem, who originally rose to fame in 1983 thanks to Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy.
Which gentle segue reminds us that, somehow, we’ve gone a full three paragraphs without razzing out the words “I didn’t even know where Bruges f@cking was,” or “Bruges is a sh1thole”! I know! Not even once! But, well, here we are, pondering Martin McDonagh’s foresight in casting Colin Farrell ahead of Jamie Vardy, because who could accept someone as urbanely enlightened as he uttering words such as those? There’s suspension of disbelief, and then there’s suspension … of … disbelief. Talking of which, Leicester City, once not so good at football, now ever so good at football, are in Big Cup, as champions, a feat beyond the multifarious talents of string theory, space travel, Liverpool and God. It’s time for another book.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Club Brugge 1-0 Leicester City, while Simon Burnton will be on hand for Tottenham 2-0 Monaco, and Tim Hill will be keeping busy with Manchester City 3-1 Borussia Mönchengladbach.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Due to unforeseen circumstances, clairvoyant Trisha will not be appearing in the Kevin Bird Suite tomorrow night” – it’s all going off at Mansfield Town. Unlike the Stags, you can probably see what’s coming.
[SEVEN]-0
12 September: “We’re not here just to be a passenger. If you want that easy-easy life then it’s not the level to be playing at. Barcelona test you physically, tactically and mentally – and it’s a challenge we’re relishing” – Queen’s Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers looks ahead to their Big Cup date with Barça.
14 September: “There can be no embarrassment … We can’t be too downheartened. It doesn’t matter if we’re playing Barcelona or Berwick Rangers, there’s still professional pride. But they are a team of top world-class players and this will not hamper us in any way. We have a lot of learning to do, we will recover, and the experience will be good for us” – oh, Brendan! Rodgers reflects on a vidiprinter-scale shellacking.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Arsenal as iPhone artistes (yesterday’s Fiver). Is this because they removed the Jack?” – Yash Anand.
“Watching Top of the Pops 82 on BBC4 the other night, I couldn’t help thinking that Jonjo Shelvey must be getting on a bit as a footballer now, given he was on telly 34 years ago. But, as a QPR fan, after Tuesday night I can’t help wishing he’d stuck to being the singer of new romantic also-rans Classix Nouveaux” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website Music Ed.
“In regard to yesterday’s Fiver letter from John McGurk asserting that scant regard was made in relation to the Queen’s Celtic’s win over the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers to such an extent that they would be merely be portrayed as an accessory to Barcelona. John, no amount of accessories, such as copious lipstick on a pig or insurmountable fake jewellery, etc, would lead anyone to conclude that the Queen’s Celtic would be classed as an accessory to Barcelona” – Raymond Reardon.
“Perhaps I’m displaying my USA! USA!! USA!!! gridiron football naivety, but I was pretty impressed that the Queen’s Celtic were able to hold Barcelona to one touchdown. Well done, lads” – Mike Wilner.
“As Johan Cruyff famously said: ‘Every disadvantage has its advantage.’ Let’s use Brexit to ban all British referees from Europe. Because they love big clubs too much. Martin Atkinson made a mess of PSV vs Atlético on Tuesday evening. He disallowed a PSV goal in the fifth minute for a very soft push, did not see the intentionally placed elbow by Diego Godín in the face of Luuk de Jong, nor two clear handballs from Godín, one in the box. Maybe he missed out on Godín completely. And then he gave PSV a penalty, which was not one. They missed the penalty, like most of them in the last months. So PSV did not deserve much, but a proper referee might have helped a little” – Jolt Bosma.
“I planned to do the exact same thing as yesterday’s Fiver prize-winning’s Dan Taylor, but was gazumped by my own evidently inaccurate assumption that this sort of tomfoolery would not fly in Fiver Towers. In a fit of gross misjudgement, I somehow came to the conclusion that The Fiver was better than that. How could I be so naive. Can I have a copy of the book now?” – Sam Crocker.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. We have a prize to give away each day of this week, in the shape of Carrie Dunn’s excellent The Roar of the Lionesses, courtesy of the kind people at Pitch Publishing. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Yash Anand. Do send us your details, Yash.
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BITS AND BOBS
Aleksander Ceferin – the Aleksander Ceferin – is Uefa’s new president, beating rival Michael van Praag 42-13 on votes. “My family’s proud, my small and beautiful Slovenia is proud,” he tooted, “and I hope one day you will be proud of me too.”
Meanwhile, Ceferin’s shamed and discredited/wrongly accused and misunderstood predecessor Michel Platini told Congress he’s still fighting to clear his name. “I am certain I haven’t made any mistakes – and I will fight this in the courts,” he cheered.
Ah, Manchester City have just announced their Official Robot Partner.
Everton-target Lamine Koné has recovered from his transfer window back-knack and agreed a new five-year Sunderland pay rise. “He’s only been in the Premier League since January,” parped David Moyes, “but we’ve already seen what he’s capable of.”
Stoke manager Ailsa from Home and Away has until 6pm on Friday to respond after the FA charged him over Saturday’s sending off. “It is alleged that his behaviour in or around the 34th minute of the [Tottenham] fixture amounted to improper conduct,” Andy Townsended an FA statement.
Wayne Rooney’s England will scrape a 1-1 draw against France in Paris next year (Carroll, 90+1), after a friendly date was confirmed for Tuesday 13 June.
Jürgen Klopp says Antonio Conte’s technical area moves are quite something. “I don’t know Antonio good enough to know why he is doing it – I know for myself and, as I’ve said a few times, it just happens to me,” he waved before Friday’s Chelsea v Liverpool game. “He looks quite emotional, even when they don’t score.”
And Nasty Leeds keeper @MarcoSilver1991 has denied “bullsh1t” claims that he clicked ‘like’ on a tweet which said manager Garry Monk should be sacked. “These episodes leave me sad,” he wrote before digitally doing one. “I don’t want these kind of problems.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde on Uefa, Fifa and the general state of it all.
Which manager has had the biggest win in their first game? The Knowledge, in preparation for next week’s first live edition, gets nerding.
Goals of the week, goals of the week … Goals of the week, goals of the week … Goals of the week, goals of the week … Goals of the week … Goals of the week!
Ray Parlour on what Spurs can expect from playing Big Cup games at Wembley.
It was the same old Arsenal, but Arsène Wenger’s team in transition fluk … sorry, earned a useful point with their 1-1 draw at PSG, writes Barney Ronay.
Big Cup’s group stage is back and already as predictable as ever, sighs Paul Wilson.
Ronaldo and the Fort Lauderdale Strikers: a Florida soccerball project turned sour. By Bryan Kay.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
