SCRAPING THE BARREL
My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”
When Mr Roy announced his latest England squad this afternoon and included not just QPR hotshot Charlie Austin, whose presence had been widely predicted, but Leicester, um, lukewarmshot Jamie Vardy as well, Tommy Cooper’s old joke sprang to mind. With Harry Kane, Saido Berahino and Danny Ings off with the Under-21s and Wayne Rooney already in the senior set-up, the Premier League’s top-scorers chart didn’t offer much assistance for the owl-faced tactician. It may very well have sounded like he’d made a terrible mistake, but these are the only strikers he’s got*.
Not only did the Turkish-hatted entertainer come up with a vaguely pertinent joke for the occasion, even his name was relevant, given that coopers are employed making barrels – the very same staved wooden container whose metaphorical bottom Hodgson was frantically scraping.
Less than four years ago Vardy, then 24, abandoned Halifax in favour of Fleetwood Town because “they are a team on the up with ambitions of the Football League and I want to be part of that”. He swiftly signed an improved three-year deal there because “I can be a League One player at Fleetwood”. His old Halifax manager recently claimed “I always thought he was good enough to play in the Championship”. Now he’s in the England team, having completed the most unlikely ascent since Dumbo first looked to the heavens and flapped his ears.
“I watched him when he was still at Fleetwood and players who have that pace and desire to run in behind defenders are always interesting for coaches,” said Mr Roy as he announced his squad. “His latter part of the season has been really excellent.” He’s referring there to the three goals in five games that Vardy scored during March and April, a considerable improvement on the one in 28 that the remainder of Leicester’s league campaign brought him.
But news that Vardy first blipped on Mr Roy’s radar back in his Fleetwood days was telling indeed. Mr Roy was appointed England manager on 1 May 2012, 17 days before Vardy finally left non-league football to join Leicester. Though it’s true that he may have scouted the forward on behalf of his previous employers, West Brom, the admission suggested that one of his first acts as boss of the national team had been to hotfoot it to Lancashire in order to check out a player toiling in the fifth tier of English football. And if so he truly is a visionary, a man with a rare grasp of the realities afflicting English football, as well as one with a near-unbeatable method for encouraging lower-league strikers.
It’s not like 28-year-old Vardy can even be considered one for the future. The only way this player’s going to qualify for the Under-21s any time soon is if the criteria is expanded to include not only age but the last couple of seasons’ combined tally of league goals – in which case his new international team-mate Danny Welbeck can also expect a call-up. Such is the state we’re in. Let’s hope Mr Roy’s still keeping a beady one on those non-league scoring charts.
* Except for Peter Crouch and Glenn Murray, who both have seven top-flight goals this season, Gabriel Agbonlahor with six and Dwight Gayle, Ashley Barnes, Connor Wickham, Andy Carroll and David Nugent with five, all of their tallies greater than Vardy’s four (though he’s level with Welbeck).
Full England squad: Rob Green (QPR), Joe Hart (Manchester City), Tom Heaton (Burnley), Ryan Bertrand (Southampton), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Nathaniel Clyne (Southampton), Kieran Gibbs (Arsenal), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Phil Jones (Manchester United), Chris Smalling (Manchester United), Ross Barkley (Everton), Fabian Delph (Aston Villa), Jordan Henderson (Liverpool), Adam Lallana (Liverpool), Ryan Mason (Tottenham), James Milner (Manchester City), Raheem Sterling (Liverpool), Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Andros Townsend (Tottenham), Theo Walcott (Arsenal), Jack Wilshere (Arsenal), Charlie Austin (QPR), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United), Jamie Vardy (Leicester), Danny Welbeck (Arsenal).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Carragher is a kn@b. Everybody knows it. Any of the criticism from current pundits or ex-Liverpool players – none of them things matter to me. It is not relevant” – Aidy Ward, the agent of Raheem Sterling, rejects the views of TV’s Jamie Carragher. Ward reportedly claims the quotes were taken out of context and given off the record. So not so much a denial, more that he thought nobody would find out about them.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Calvin Jones’ suggestion for insignia above the badge were to be implemented (yesterday’s Fiver Letters), would Southend be permitted to include two crashed vans (2004 and 2005) covered in paint (2013) to reflect our array of glorious 2-0 defeats in national finals?” – Phil Jones.
“I don’t know much about jazz, but I shall guess the identity of the marvellous lady saxophone player at the Manchester United dinner (yesterday’s Fiver). My first hunch was the precocious American Lisa Simpson, but I’d have to go with the Dutch smooth jazz artist Candy Dulfer. She shares with Louis Van Gaal not only the same nationality but also the ability to blow hot air and make it sound like sweet music to their fans, who give big applause” – Peter Oh.
“If Louis van Gaal’s performance at his club end-of-season beano can be seen as a sax solo, surely it was less Baker Street and more Hot and Heavy” – Tom Goodfellow.
“With regards to yesterday’s Fiver tome, Louis van Gaal’s Sax Appeal, I thought it was just another typically incoherent soliloquy that had reached my inbox at lunch time (here in the States), per usual, from you boys in Guardian Towers. That Queen’s English does leave me befuddled at times. Then I realized you were actually quoting Louis van Gaal directly, and all credit I had given to The Fiver evaporated. With such a gift for for the spoken word that shines so brilliantly as written prose, perhaps LVG should become the regular writer for The Fiver. Clearly, it would not be much of a drop-off from The Fiver’s recent form” – Steven Mintz.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s Raheem Sterling could become Manchester United’s Raheem Sterling if Louis van Gaal’s dastardly but hilarious plan to pay a lot of money for a player he doesn’t really need, specifically to annoy their rivals, comes off.
Sterling, however, won’t be joined at Old Trafford by Mats Hummels. The defender has said “nein” to the idea of joining United, preferring to stay with Borussia Dortmund instead.
Xavi has kicked sand in the face of his legacy and tied the shoelaces of his reputation together by expressing his “excitement” at leaving Barcelona for the “thrilling” project of Al-Sadd in Qatar.
The chairman of the Polish Football Association has asked for the 2018 World Cup to be confiscated from Russia. “Hosting the World Cup in Russia is a disastrous mistake, it’s a country engaged in war, who invaded another country,” said Zbigniew Boniek.
And the former West Ham defender Slaven Bilic has set managerial two-plus-two merchants in east London a quiver by announcing he will leave Besiktas at the end of the season.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sunderland remain alive! Dick Advocaat was so happy at their survival he cried salt tears of joy, and Amy Lawrence was there to write about it.
Sunderland remain alive! Louise Taylor was so happy at their survival she found five reasons for it and wrote them down.
“We lost a kit man and he wasn’t replaced. There were issues with player registrations, travel, accommodation. It is just about getting things done in a proper manner. There always seemed to be something happening that could be prevented, something that would create a negative. As a football manager, they were things I didn’t expect to have to deal with.” Lee Clark tells Ewan Murray of the shambles at Blackpool.
Leeds are another club about whom you could say “crikey, what a mess”. James Riach took a dim view of Massimo Cellino’s treatment of Neil Redfearn.
The treble’s on for Juventus but Paolo Bandini reckons their Coppa Italia win wasn’t just a warm-up for the Champions League final against Barcelona.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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AND NOW TO SLEEP ...
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