WELCOME TO THE KNACKTIONS LEAGUE
Uefa can be accused of many things, and we’ll come to that, but resting on their laurels is not one of them. Not content with the success of the European Championship, they created the surprisingly popular Nations League in whenever it was. And tonight they will introduce another new tournament – the Uefa Knacktions League, in which countries compete to cheese off as many club managers as possible. The traditional mechanism of deciding football matches, goals scored, has been ditched. In the Knacktions League, the winning team is the one that has the most players limping off with soft-tissue injuries.
To add to the entertainment, the Premier League have agreed to wire up all 20 managers. If you press the red button on your TV, you can watch their blood pressure zip up and down like a graphic equaliser as their best midfielder goes down clutching his calf after putting his country 8-0 up against a minnow who we won’t name for fear of somebody on Twitter attempting to get us cancelled for belittling Andorra. Ach!
For the most part, elite football responded brilliantly to the unique challenges of Covid-19. In planning the 2020-21 season, not so much. The world needs many things right now, but, truly, Malta v Liechtenstein on Sky Sports is not one of them. These midweek fixtures – the European Championship play-offs excepted – might be the most pointless elite football since the 1985-86 ScreenSport Super Cup wheezed its last.
You can understand why so many Premier League bosses resent this international break. Especially Jürgen. Pushing players to breaking point in desperate pursuit of short-term gain should be the job of club managers. Not content with selling its soul back in 1992, football has now put its hamstrings and calf muscles on eBay. And wait until you see how much money it can get for psychological exhaustion!
There’s also the appreciable problem of lockdowns all across Europe, with different travel rules depending on which number Dominic Raab absent-mindedly rolls on his special 120-sided dice while enjoying roasted cauliflower and tarragon steaklet with samphire and hazelnut pesto, pickled kohlrabi and aubergine baba ganoush for just £7.33.
The mink Covid outbreak has threatened England’s Nations League fixture with Iceland next week. There are suggestions it will be played in Albania or Germany. We’re probably only one more Covid outbreak away from it being officially simulated on Football Manager. At least there would be no player injuries. In that geeky milieu, soft tissues serve a different purpose entirely.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Follow the red-hot meaningless international friendly action with Rob Smyth’s clockwatch from 7.45pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I still have the most red cards, or certainly the most fines as a manager in the history of the Bundesliga. Irony doesn’t help. Referees cannot really deal with that” – in a new Liverpool documentary, Jürgen Klopp reveals just how useless sarcasm is when trying to talk himself out of trouble.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly podcast here.
FIVER LETTERS
“So farewell then Greg Clarke, chairman of the FA. If photographs are anything to go by, a man whose books never quite reached the top shelf” – Alex Folkes.
“A mild correction re: 2015’s Danny Drinkwater ‘stalk(ing) the empty corridors like a latter-day Winston Bogarde’ (Tuesday’s Fiver). Bogarde didn’t stalk, he sat. For years” – Alex Whitney.
“I think I could have saved Drinkwater a few quid on his fancy video. I’m sure I’ve come across a nice montage of his recent activities here” – Jon Millard (back off lawyers, it’s fine – Fiver Ed).
“I know this will come as a surprise to you but can I praise you for the juxtaposition of Greg Clarke’s and Megan Rapinoe’s comments. It was like reading Social Media Disgrace comments in reverse. While I can’t imagine you’ll claim credit for Clarke stepping down (probably into another rake), what with that, the US election result and Covid vaccine news, it does feel a little like we’ve broken the Matrix” – Ferg Slade.
“If Gunnersaurus can’t get a job driving for Mesut Özil due to large feet, he could always work across town for José Mourinho, who has never minded just parking the bus or playing with the handbrake on” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Given how well Philip Cocu’s sides have done, calling their style Cocuball seems to be missing a K and a P. Obviously he’s not getting paid peanuts for whatever he is doing” – Robin Hazlehurst (and others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Alex Folkes, who wins a copy of The A-Z of Weird & Wonderful Football Shirts: Broccoli, Beer & Bruised Bananas by Richard Johnson [postage available to UK only, sorry – Fiver Postal Ed].
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
An early boost for England’s Knacktions League tally, but a body blow for Liverpool. Defender Joe Gomez is facing a spell on the sidelines after picking up unspecified-ouch during England training.
Tottenham will open contract talks with Son Heung-min and are prepared to offer the forward a tasty £60,000-per-week pay rise to keep him at the club.
Keith Hackett, the former head honcho of English refereeing, has aimed a broadside at VAR, handball and offside laws. “When you start to penalise accidental handball, we have lost the plot,” Hackett fumed.
Darlington defender Nicky Hunt has been released from hospital after suffering a head injury against Boston United. The former Bolton player was knocked unconscious and required treatment on the pitch for an hour during Tuesday’s game, which was abandoned.
A Fifpro survey of female players in 62 different countries has revealed poor communication from national leagues during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Burnley’s James Tarkowski has said he has no plans to stay at the club beyond his current contract. The Clarets turned down offers from Leicester and West Ham this summer for the centre-back, who has 18 months left to run on his current deal.
And Neymar has been hit with a seven-day ban from Emerging Social Media Disgrace Twitch after revealing Richarlison’s phone number on his live stream. The Everton forward received over 10,000 WhatsApp messages after Neymar’s gaffe, an experience to which the Fiver cannot relate.
STILL WANT MORE?
“He and so many others have found it completely normal to use language that should only ever be deemed unacceptable and inappropriate.” Marvin Sordell on why Greg Clarke’s comments are so damaging.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn surveys the wreckage after the FA’s hopes of progress were destroyed by Clarke’s live-stream series of howlers.
“I knew I couldn’t just stand around and have that be something that is said on the field to me.” San Diego Loyal’s Collin Martin reflects on the moment his teammates took a stand after he was the victim of homophobic abuse.
When Robins scored for the Robins against the Robins, and much more besides in this week’s Knowledge.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
