Most leaders misunderstand influence before they ever attempt to practice it. They imagine influence as persuasion with authority attached to it, such as convincing people quickly, securing compliance efficiently, and maintaining control throughout the process. The problem is that human beings do not respond well to control masquerading as leadership. The first step toward becoming influential is allowing yourself to be influenced first, and many organizations are paying a steep price because their leaders refuse to do it.
I have spent years mediating workplace disputes, divorces, inheritance battles, and high-conflict conversations where communication has completely collapsed. I am not a psychologist, but mediation gives you a front-row seat to the human psyche. You watch people defend themselves, conceal resentment, posture for power, and struggle to articulate pain. You also witness something else, like the moment hostility softens because somebody finally feels heard. That moment changes the entire trajectory of a conversation.
In corporate environments, leaders often assume employees resist direction because they are difficult, disengaged, or unmotivated. In reality, many employees stop contributing because they believe nobody is listening to them in the first place. According to the 2025 Employee Communication Impact Study by Staffbase and YouGov, only 10% of non-desk employees in the United States report being very satisfied with internal communication, while 58% of employees considering leaving their jobs cite poor communication as a contributing factor. The same report found that when leadership communication is very clear, employees are three times happier in their roles than workers who describe communication as unclear. Those numbers reveal something deeper than dissatisfaction. They reveal relational breakdown.
The issue becomes even more alarming when conflict enters the equation. The Workplace Peace Institute's 2024 State of Workplace Conflict report found that 73% of respondents identified lack of trust as the leading trigger of workplace conflict, while 55% cited destructive communication patterns. Employees reported stress, bullying, disengagement, absenteeism, and project failures stemming directly from unresolved conflict. American employers are now losing more than $3,200 per employee annually in productivity due to workplace conflict alone. Behind every delayed project, passive-aggressive meeting, and disengaged employee sits a communication failure that leadership often dismisses as minor.
I have seen this dynamic unfold repeatedly. A leader enters a room with a strategy already decided, asks for feedback performatively, and then steamrolls every objection. Employees learn quickly that honesty is unwelcome, so they retreat into silence. Some disengage. Others comply publicly while undermining the initiative privately. Leadership interprets this as resistance or poor attitude, without recognizing that they created the conditions for distrust themselves.
The irony is that influential leaders do not dominate conversations. They create enough psychological safety for people to participate honestly. That distinction changes everything.
In my work, I teach four pillars that help leaders become genuinely influential. The first is quieting the mind. Most people are not listening during conversations; they are preparing rebuttals while the other person speaks. A leader who cannot suspend their own internal commentary long enough to absorb another perspective will never build trust. Employees detect performative listening immediately.
The second pillar is listening with precision. This requires more than nodding politely or saying 'I hear you.' Those phrases have become conversational shortcuts that often shut dialogue down. Effective leaders mirror back both the content and emotional meaning of what they heard. They confirm understanding before introducing their own position. I frequently tell leaders to say, "Let me make sure I understand your concern," and then articulate the concern fully. Employees often look stunned when somebody accurately reflects both their words and the emotion underneath them.
The third pillar involves embracing the influx of information, especially when the information is inconvenient. Leaders frequently reject ideas too quickly because disagreement activates defensiveness. Yet the ability to sit with discomfort determines whether a leader develops influence or merely authority. Teams become stronger when people believe dissent will not be punished socially or professionally.
Only then comes the fourth pillar: the influence pivot. This is the moment a leader introduces direction, strategy, or persuasion after trust has already been established. By this stage, employees are significantly more receptive because the conversation no longer resembles a power struggle. There is connection, understanding, and mutual investment in the outcome.
Some executives argue that this process consumes too much time. They believe business moves too quickly for lengthy conversations or emotional nuance. I understand the concern. Organizations operate under pressure, deadlines, and financial expectations. Yet leaders routinely underestimate the enormous drag created by poor communication. A manager may save 45 minutes by dismissing an employee's concerns, then lose six months dealing with disengagement, turnover, missed deadlines, or fractured morale.
Going slower at the beginning accelerates execution later. Teams move faster when they trust leadership because they stop wasting energy protecting themselves from it.
This principle extends far beyond the workplace. Families, schools, political institutions, and communities are all struggling through a crisis of listening. People increasingly enter conversations with predetermined conclusions and an obsession with proving themselves correct. The desire to win has eclipsed the ability to understand. Influence deteriorates the moment curiosity disappears.
My forthcoming book, Influenceable, explores these ideas through real-world examples, negotiation frameworks, and communication strategies designed for leaders navigating difficult personalities, organizational conflict, and high-stakes conversations. The book examines how trust develops between people and why openness remains the most overlooked ingredient in leadership.
Every influential person I have encountered shares one characteristic: they know how to make others feel seen, heard, and valued without surrendering authority. They understand that influence is reciprocal. The moment leaders stop treating communication as a performance and begin treating it as genuine human engagement, organizations become more collaborative, more innovative, and far more resilient.
People do not commit deeply to leaders who refuse to listen to them. They commit to leaders who demonstrate, through action and attention, that every voice in the room matters.
About the Author
Alice Shikina is an award-winning mediator, arbitrator, speaker, negotiation coach, and author based in Oakland, California. Through her company, Shikina Mediation and Arbitration, she helps individuals and organizations resolve conflicts, strengthen communication, and improve leadership dynamics. Drawing from her background in theatre and mediation, Alice specializes in emotional intelligence and negotiation strategies. She is the author of Negotiating with Your Kids and the forthcoming book Influenceable, which explores trust, curiosity, and the psychology of influence in leadership and communication.
