HELLO I MUST BE GOING
Today’s Fiver is brought to you in loose association with Roy Keane, who has agreed, in a manner of speaking, to be part of it. But since we’re already 28 words in, we’d best get to the point pronto before he changes his mind. Actually, that kind of is the point. Grand so. See ya!
Oh, we have to explain ourselves? Who do you think you are asking anyone to explain anything about Keane? This is a fiercely proud and private man we’re talking about, one who has worked as a pundit on national TV, released two biographies, just completed an international spoken word tour and serves as the most high-profile No2 since Lulu the elephant’s unfortunate appearance on Blue Peter. But if you really want to know what’s going through Keane’s mind right now, perhaps you should get Lord Ferg to goad Keane into publishing another book.
Or else you could just go to Aston Villa’s website, or popular offshoots such as theguardian.com, to read the official reason for Keane’s decision to today step down as Debbie McGee to Paul Lambert’s Paul Daniels (note: that is handy way of saying Keane worked as Lambert’s assistant; the Fiver is in no way suggesting that the relationship between the two men at any stage went beyond that or into marriage. Note: the Fiver is no way suggesting that there would have been anything wrong with that scenario if it had occurred, which it didn’t, at least not so far as the Fiver is aware. Oh dear, this is all getting a bit Alan Partridge. Note: the Fiver is in no way suggesting that it is as funny as Alan Partridge).
Tell you what, let’s just stick to what we’re good at. How about this for some high-class copying and pasting: “Ultimately, my roles with Villa and Ireland and combining my commitment to these have become too much,” Keane explained. “It isn’t fair to either Villa or Ireland, so I’ve made this decision. I’d like to thank Paul for giving me a great opportunity to come to a brilliant football club, I’ve really enjoyed my experiences at Villa and I wish the management team, the players, the supporters and the club nothing but the best going forward.”
That statement has been greeted by a degree of scepticism by some, who seem to think that there may be more to the story than meets the eye. And in fairness, the notion that anyone has been “enjoying” themselves at Villa Park this season does seem fishier than a supermarket chicken. But Lambert, possibly still high on the excitement of seeing his team score a goal on Monday night, appears to be taking this setback in his stride. “Roy came to me this morning and he informed me that, ultimately, the difficulty of combining both roles has prompted his decision, which I respect totally,” said the still-Villa manager, adding: “In the brief period we have worked together he has been great in the role and I understand his reasons for leaving.”
So Keane is now free to devote himself entirely to helping Martin O’Neill prepare for Ireland’s next match. Which is in four months. That should be just enough time to mastermind the sort of sophisticated strategy that Ireland displayed in their recent brawl with Scotland.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Morning!” – assembled hacks greet Louis van Gaal as he enters the room for his Friday press conference.
“Morning has passed” – Van Gaal’s not entirely inaccurate but not especially friendly reply. It was 11.56am.
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A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
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FIVER LETTERS
“Glen Stockdale’s letter [yesterday’s Fiver letters] was attributed to himself and 1,056 others so I presume the prize is as well. How will they go about sharing the Football Manager game? Like Roy Evans and Gerard Houllier in 1998-99 as 1,057 joint managers? Or, more realistically in modern football, taking it in turns to be manager at a Massimo Cellino club?” – Gareth Collins
“In response to Stephen Yoxall [yesterday’s Fiver letters], I was the recipient of a prizeless Letter O’ the Day back in June. Two days later I suffered a concussion that forced me to miss watching the World Cup, although I recovered enough to watch the final (against my doctor’s advice). The very next day, my clumsy pregnant wife elbowed me between the eyes (on her birthday, no less), sending me back with brain-owch to a darkened room with no flickering screens or football. So you could say that being the best of a mediocre bunch has been the most effective way to STOP FOOTBALL, because I equate receiving the Letter O’ the Day with two months of concussion hell. Wait, why am I writing this then …” – Bryan McLeod
“Regarding Olcan Shaw [yesterday’s Fiver letters], and a lot of other honourable pedants, complaining about the recently dubious awards of letters of the day: Isn’t it time you call Michael Garcia, have him make a full, no-stones-left-unturned investigation into this shambolic farce, and then ignore his findings all together? Oh wait …” – Magnus Ormaasen
“Spurs have a young chap named Harry Winks who disappointingly hasn’t been given the No 40 shirt. Surely this is most heinous squad numbering oversight since Vincent Kompany was denied the No2 shirt at Man City? – James Tong
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Bryan McLeod, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got more copies to give away this month, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
The pitch invading berks who interrupted Spurs’ Big Vase game against Partizan Belgrade have threatened a repeat performance at other London grounds.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It’s Real Madrid v Michel Platini over the Ballon d’Or.
Arsène Wenger reckons Arsenal have been unlucky with knack this season. “We have been unlucky with injuries. What can you do about it? Not a lot,” he cheered.
Pelé is still in hospital but he is ‘in better condition’ that he was.
You’ve got to fight for your right to party. Robin van Persie, on the other hand, has to fight for his Manchester United place, according to Louis van Gaal.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barry Glendenning and Jacob Steinberg stopped debating the question of whether of not a dissolvable outfit is an artistic statement long enough to write about what you should have your peepers peeled for in the Premier League this weekend.
We don’t know what Alan Pardew’s thoughts on dissolvable outfits are but we do know that he spent much of his early adulthood working as a glazier installing windows in some of the tallest buildings adorning London and Abu Dhabi. He is also a miracle worker or so says Louise Taylor.
Scott Murray does not give a rats about dissolvable outfits but he does care about Terry McDermott’s goal for Liverpool versus Aberdeen. In fact, he cares about it so much he has written 2005 words about it.
Barney Ronay was given the option to write about dissolvable outfits for his Friday column but he rebuffed the offer with a snort of his nose and said he would prefer to write about the Mauricio Pochettino paradox.
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