FELLA …
When The Fiver has done something wrong, we tend to find the best policy is not to admit to it. Why would you own up to breaking that computer, or letting that plant die, or mistakenly putting that puppy in the tumble dryer because it went to sleep in the pile of warm washing so it’s really not our fault and the little mutt should be more careful, if there’s a decent chance nobody will find out about it? Roy Carroll had the right idea. When he shovelled that Pedro Mendes hoof about five yards over the line all those years ago, only for various shades of refereeing incompetence to declare that no, of course that wasn’t a goal, what did he do? Did he fess up, ruefully throw the ball towards the halfway line and concede that he had, well, conceded? Or did he act like nothing had happened and hope that nobody noticed?
There’s plenty to be said for the odd white lie, or fib of omission, but that apparently doesn’t seem like something Arsenal are familiar with. For they have announced that Danny Welbeck will now be out for longer than initially expected after a decision was taken for him to have surgery on a bout of knee-knack. “It had been hoped he would avoid surgery but after increasing his training workload, the injury to his cartilage did not respond as well as hoped and the decision was taken last week for him to undergo surgery by a leading specialist in the field,” a club statement mumbled. And, of course, it’s not the operation that they should’ve kept quiet, but the fact that they knew about it last week, when the transfer window was still open. One assumes they only announced it now, after the window closed, to prevent a flame-wielding mob, already terrifically keen for Arsène Wenger to sign a striker, from battering down his door and shoving him in a box until he got one. Or hopping over to Madrid, bundling Karim Benzema into a sack and dragging him over to England. Or painting Gonzalo Higuaín red with a white ‘9’ on his back. That sort of thing is frowned upon, we think.
Welbeck will be out for “a period of months”, a time estimate so vague they might as well have said he’d return at some point “after tomorrow, but before that comet hits the earth and destroys all life as we know it.” Arsenal fans, familiar with this sort of knack-jiggery and indeed pokery, will know exactly what it usually means. So not only did Arsenal admit that their medical department is just as reliable as ever, but then breezily told everyone they knew one of their two senior centre-forwards (put your hand down, Theo) would be knacked for an indeterminate period of time when they could’ve bought another one, but didn’t. It’s a bit like a man’s trousers falling around his ankles five minutes before leaving the house, but rather than him reaching down to pull them up and finding a belt, he cheerfully shuffles out the front door anyway. And is then surprised when he falls over and smashes his nose on the pavement. In disgrace.
This is the tale that has everything you could expect from Arsenal. Knack, a worse-than-anticipated prognosis, dithering failure in the transfer market and a vague expectation that everything will be absolutely fine anyway. It’s classic Arsenal. Peak Arsenal. 100% Arsenal. Cartoon Arsenal. The most Arsenal that Arsenal could be. Nothing could be more Arsenal. The Arsenal that you’d put in a capsule and send to the outer reaches of the galaxy to explain what Arsenal was to an alien. Arsenal. You wouldn’t change them for the world, would you?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He has a [Mr 15%] who knows nothing about football. This boy is going to kill him if he continues to supervise him to make his money. I stood up to him for two months. I tried to put him in a club of a certain value because he has the physical, mental and athletic qualities to go further. But there are a lot of people around him who are advising him very badly” – Nantes chairman Waldemar Kita reckons that by persuading Papy Djilobodji to go against his Mr 15%’s advice and sign for Chelsea – who have immediately left him out of their Big Cup squad – he’s done him a massive career-boosting favour.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
In the latest from our Football Passport series, we hop over to Spain to see what’s going on at Eibar, the pint-sized club who lead La Liga despite being relegated last season.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Daniel Levy made a total dog’s dinner of the summer transfers. When will he understand football? We all know that most players for sale are overpriced, but that is the football transfer market, and to win games you have to buy players. They, Levy, are the blokes who run around chasing the ball. He managed to insult Southampton over Victor Wanyama, he managed to insult West Brom over Saido Berahino, all by offering silly money, so now neither club want to do business with him. I will be amazed if Harry Kane does not leave after Christmas. It will be same old Spurs. Also, I have to say Mauricio Pochettino is not exactly inspiring with his choice of players” – Edward Chalkley.
“Maybe you could give a little coverage and encouragement to the only Premier League club to realise that the transfer window is also a time when you can use your resources to turn a profit. And also, any time when you can give [Snip – Fiver Bad Word Ed] like Levy a finger in the eye” – Joe Lowry.
“Regarding Tony Pulis’s attempts to get his hat off using Swarfega (yesterday’s Fiver). As anyone who completed Year 7 Design Technology in the early 1990s will know, Swarfega is a cleaner, not a lubricant. So while Pulis might want to use a blob of it to remove the grubbiness of the transfer window, when it comes to freeing up his bonce he’d be better off with a squirt of WD40. Coincidentally, 40 is also the points total that West Brom (and Spurs, on current form) are presumably targeting for survival this season” – Mike Hopkin (and others).
“Can I be the first of 1,057 poker-playing pedants to point out that by ‘seeing and raising’ Paul Wilson (yesterday’s Still Want More?), Marina Hyde performed a string bet. If she keeps this up she’ll be ejected from the casino faster than you can say ‘Jamie Vardy’” – Ed Herman (and no other poker-playing pedants).
“R Reisman suggested that Saido Berahino is ‘simply making an early claim as to what roles he won’t consider for the Baggies’ Christmas panto’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Can I be the first of 1,057 people to respond by shouting: ‘Oh no he isn’t!’” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Edward Chalkley, who sounds like he needs it more than the others.
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THIS WEEKEND IN YOUR SUPER SOARAWAY BIG SUNDAY PAPER …
Get ready for the Rugby World Cup with a free 16-page guide covering every team, every match and every venue. Plus, keep a record of the tournament with a fill-in fixture chart with full TV and radio listings. Free this Sunday with the Observer.
BITS AND BOBS
Jonjo Shelvey has revealed he’s not as mature as he’d like us all to believe. “There’s no reason why the England team, with the players we’ve got in this country, can’t go to the European Championships and win it,” he honked.
Bayern have announced they will donate €1m to help refugees and set up a training camp for those arriving in Munich. “FC Bayern is taking a stand and I am happy about the club’s involvement,” said mayor Dieter Reiter.
Spurs have shown their displeasure at God for not giving £100,000-a-week Emmanuel Adebayor a sign that he should do one by leaving the player out of their Big Vase squad.
Apparently, Louis van Gaal is happy with Manchester United’s transfer business, which is like Noel Gallagher admitting he was happy with Be Here Now.
Derby fans can apparently expect random geological terms to be thrown into club statements from now on after chairman Mel Morris confirmed his takeover of the club by doing just that. “While I firmly believe that the club’s ownership is very much a tertiary concern to most fans, I hope together we can help steer this club back into a sustainable place in the Premier League,” he soothed.
The Socceroos’ arduous passage to World Cup 2018 has continued with a flamin’ 5-0 win over Bangladesh.
And Arjen Robben has warned Douglas Costa that Bayern Munich are not the German branch of Zippos. “He needs to be careful. Many tricks are nice, but belong in the circus,” he roared at Costa, who was too busy juggling eight footballs while swallowing a sword and taming a bear to notice.
STILL WANT MORE?
How did Championship clubs end up fleecing fans for up to £52 a ticket? James Riach dons his mac and disappears into the night to investigate.
A fancy interactive on the Premier League’s transfer window business.
Ten things to look out for in the Euro 2016 qualifiers, possibly including Memphis Depay looking like he’s auditioning for the sequel to Bugsy Malone.
“It is a bizarre anomaly that Louis van Gaal’s cautious, reverse-gear revolution should leave a club whose lucrative global brand is based on its own grand tradition as a rakish, chancy goalscoring machine, with a single slightly creaky central striker.” Barney Ronay struggles to get his head round the lack of strikers bought by rich clubs who could really do with one.
How will the Bundesliga cope with losing so many players to the Premier League? Jason Humphreys explains.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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