Going up
HBO
Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, True Blood, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire: world gasps under combined weight of balls, brilliance and extreme dramatic "chops"
BBC4
Repository of boffinry, curator of excellence, keeper of "the flame". Fact: when they're alone, Auntie gropes BBC4's bowtie and calls it Brian
The Naked Pilgrim
Brian Sewell's monumental Godyssey marked final spurt of neural activity before Five got "the shakes" and had to have a "sit down" . . . FOR EVER
Honorable Mentionables
The Office, Red Riding, TOTP2, the rise of the pockmarked man-volcano (from Gene Hunt to Malcolm Tucker to The League of Gentlemen's Geoff Tipps), Damages, Ramona Marquez (the girl in Outnumbered), Sir David Attenbrilliant
Going down
ITV2
Cackling digital hen party where it's always durr o'clock. Hobbies: bellowing "skillz" at passing Jack Osbourne vehicles, hoiking thong out of bumcrack, etc
Cowell
Shaven-handed shill for wibbling death pop, Faginesque nabber of the infant farthing, infernal promoter of the "journey". Also: nostrils apparently widening with age. /How?/
Big Brother
"Experimental" carbuncle from which spurted the molten pestilence that is "reality TV". Bye-bye dignity, humility, joy. Hello bending over MDF for delectation of baboons
Dishonorable Unmentionables
BBC3, celebrity travelogues, "giving it 110%", Extras, ye wearisome heritage smut (The Tudors, Fanny Hill), Amanda Holden , R*chard H*mmond , ITV News becoming Itz Yr Nooz!
