SWEDENING THE PILL
A few years back The Fiver went to Stockholm, deployed to cover a scoreless draw between Sweden and Ireland, and stayed on a cheap boat hotel to save some krona for expensive Tin. There was one slight problem with this boatel, though. When the tide came in each night the cabin was underwater, meaning there was no way of getting fresh air in. And you do not want to imagine what the Fiver smells like after eight bottles of Ikea’s own brew and half a kilo of meatballs. There was a sign saying not to open the porthole on account of said rising tide, but when the opportunity of some free Tin arrived the night before the game, The Fiver trudged off in the snow, forgetting that the window was left ajar. When it was time to slide back to the ship at stupid o’clock a grim surprise awaited.
All of the above is true, but pointless. Much like many of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s comments. The latest, in the wake of him scoring two goals to send Sweden to Euro 2016 at the hands of Denmark, takes some beating though. Never one to gloat, the man who spells team with an I, said: “They said they were going to send me to retirement, I sent their whole nation into retirement.” Now we know Zlatan has more important things to focus on than job figures – desperately filling column inches on international breaks, giving us something amusing to natter about in a desperately dark week for humanity and enhancing his ego to name just three – but it is worth someone pointing out to him that Denmark has the fourth best employment rate in Europe. That’s a lot of pension money to come out of his account.
Struggling greatly with the concept of growing old, Zlatan would probably compare himself to ageing like a fine bottle of wine but his recent barbs and #banters are more akin to gone off milk. Last week, speaking again with the importance of someone who has found a cure for life-ending disease or created a peace treaty, he said: “I have put Sweden on the world map and now I have put France on the world map too.” Ahem. France is the country that gave us World Cup winners, European champions and mercurial geniuses such as Zinedine Zidane, Eric Cantona, Thierry Henry and David Bellion. Zlatan on the other hand has not won a Big Cup, has a sketchy record in big games and for someone with an apparent gift for putting countries on the map was not able to help his country into the last two World Cups. Some map.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Cristiano Ronaldo [is my idol] because he’s Portuguese. I have the same way of running, and the same shooting style” – Bébé draws the obvious comparison between himself and Him.
FIVER LETTERS
“Can I please just throw ‘rush and flow’ goalie into the mix. ‘Rush’ being the freedom to leave one’s goalie’s area (as previous contributors have stated), and ‘flow’ being the goalie free-for-all” – Dan Makeham.
“May I add to the rush goalie conversation? A Canadian friend tells me in ice hockey they call it ‘pulling the goalie’ which is also a euphemism for [SNIP!]” – Steven Randell.
“Having met a girl through Soulmates via the adverts in The Fiver, I would now like to end the relationship but I’m weak and not sure how. I reckon a copy of Football Manager 16 would help …” – Jordan Glossop.
“Last week Basingstoke Town were listed by The Fiver as one of the teams with Euro 2016 slots guaranteed. Yesterday, they were omitted from the list of teams Republic of Ireland have joined – so have they been thrown out of Euro 2016? If so, at least they can now concentrate on getting past Arsenal into the Round of Arsenal in Big Cup” – Ant Pritchard.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. Eric Pickles plays in a lot of different five-a-side teams. I struggle with three games of Powerleague a week, and I’m half his age. He’s either a supreme physical specimen (which seems unlikely – have you seen the state of him?), or he’s got an exceptionally talented Mr 15% to get him such regular transfers” – Ben Graham.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Steven Randell, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
France’s players have thanked their English hosts for their solidarity and support during the international friendly at Wembley on Tuesday night. “I had tears in my eyes, as did my team-mates. Inevitably. Everyone did,” said Bacary Sagna.
Neymar’s Mr 15% will no doubt be looking for clubs in the Cayman Islands for his charge after the Barcelona star grew concerned about tax knack in Spain.
Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini can continue to enjoy their stay in the Hotel Du One, after Fifa rejected their appeals against their provisional bans from football.
After scoring in England’s 2-0 win over France, super-whelp Dele Alli has attached weights to his boots in order to keep his feet on the ground. “I am not going to look too far forward – I’ve still got a lot to learn,” he sighed, putting down his binoculars.
Liverpool fans’ favourite Dejan Lovren says he will fill the void in the club’s defence left by the injured Mamadou Sakho. “I’m ready and looking forward to playing,” he yelped.
Mario Balotelli will be out of action for a month after undergoing an operation for hip-gah!
Having experienced the closest he gets to the human emotion happiness after the Republic of Ireland’s qualification for Euro 2016, Roy Keane has said he wants to step down from his role as the side’s assistant manager after the tournament to return to intimidating people in club football.
Turkey fans booed during the minute’s silence for the victims of the Paris attacks before their national team drew 0-0 with Greece in a friendly international on Tuesday.
Uefa has announced that all Big Cup and Euro Vase matches are scheduled to go ahead as planned next week in the wake of the Paris terror attacks. Bundesliga matches will go ahead too with added heavies on duty.
STILL WANT MORE?
When a group of disgruntled Fiorentina fans got thoroughly fed up with the monied world of Serie A, they decided to establish CS Lebowski, and honoured The Dude in the process.
Did you fight in two world wars so a German firm could become the official supermarket of the England football team, howls Marina Hyde.
You want Talking Points from Syria, Qatar and Kenya? We got ’em baby!
The state of football in the north-west … yikes, yelps Paul Wilson.
Yes the BBC has to make cuts, but why not Cash In The Attic instead of sport, sobs Owen Gibson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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