SLOW NEWS DAY
Two big news items have been rocking the football world today: Aston Villa signed some players, and Harvey Elliott, aged 16, has confessed to being “immature” after a wise old publication decided to reveal he once mocked Sir Harry Kane while joshing with mates. So today’s Fiver has been cancelled.
Bye everyone, see you tomorrow! [Pow! Thrash! Oooof! The Man’s taken the Big Stick to po’ Fiver! Pow! Thwack! He says only a hot take on these developing stories will stop the beating! Crack! Arggh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!]
So then, those exciting Aston Villa signings. First up, the pride of all Birmingham completed the capture of Tom Heaton from the England goalkeeper training academy in Burnley for a fee of whatever; and then they announced the signing from Club Brugge of the Zimbabwe international midfielder Mavelous Nakamba, an ideal replacement for Super Glenn Whelan. “He’s very mobile, he’s very good in possession and he will fit in with our style of play,” rejoiced Villa ringmaster Dean Smith.
For the sake of easy puns the Fiver was hoping Villa had also recruited some of Nakamba’s international teammates, such as Knowledge Musona and Godknows Murwira, but it turns out that those two are among the few footballers yet to be hired by Villa this summer. But there’s a week left until the transfer window closes, so there’s plenty of time.
Smith, once a pupil at the Brentford School of Moneyballing, has already taken his spree beyond £140m on 12 players. That’s the advantage you get from winning the Championship play-off final, as opposed to losing it like Frank Lampard, who could only get a job at transfer pariahs Chelsea.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The video was taken whilst messing around with friends in a private environment and was not directed at any individual, but I realise that my actions were both immature and senseless. I would like to stress that the contents of the video do not represent who I am as a person or how I’ve been brought up, and I am truly sorry” – Harvey Elliott on that video clip.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“I don’t know. I’m here with my players, and I’m not going to comment on that. I hope he trained there. We are here, thinking about the team. I won’t prevent someone from doing something. He has to look after his responsibilities … we will see what he has done in Madrid. I won’t get into his personal life. But I think he has done training. I won’t tell you if [Bale] has been disrespectful. You aren’t going to put me in a position that I don’t want to be in” – Zinedine Zidane is definitely not going to comment on Gareth Bale playing golf, not any chance, so don’t even bother.
FIVER LETTERS
“More than 30 years have passed, and Everton (and indeed The Fiver) are still waiting for their next golden era.” Everton did indeed have a golden era, but Fiver? When was Fiver’s golden era and a golden era for doing what? Any evidence is welcome. Can the other Fiver reader/s provide some?” – Nigel Assam.
“AFC Wimbledon manager Wally Downes has taken sartorial splendour to new heights [see picture below]. Perhaps José Mourinho should take a leaf out of his book when he next patrols a touchline” – Jason Steger.
“Re: my wife’s letter in Wednesday’s Fiver, imagine how annoyed she’d be if you gave me letter o’the day again. It could be the start of your new campaign, STOP MARITAL HARMONY!” – David Maddock.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … David Maddock Jason Steger.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
In an announcement timed purely to make life difficult for a certain tea-timely football email, Arsenal have announced the signing of Lille winger Nicolas Pépé. “He will add pace, power and creativity,” cheered Alan Hansen Unai Emery.
Manchester City are looking to pull off a part-exchange deal with Juventus, sending Danilo and a wad of cash to Turin in the hope that João Cancelo ends up heading the other way. Maybe they could try just sending the cash.
The FA have finally got round to fining Millwall £10,000 over alleged racist chanting during their FA Cup win over Everton, way back in January.
The K-League are unhappy with Juventus, who failed to play Cristiano Ronaldo in a Seoul friendly, despite a contractual term to that effect. “K League clearly registers our profound indignation and disappointment to Juventus’ irresponsible behaviour and manners,” a statement grumbled.
Bournemouth have snapped up Club Brugge winger Arnaut Danjuma for £13m. The Fiver is waiting to hear from its football hipster cousin, St Pauli-away-kit-wearing-Dulwich-Hamlet-attending-Fiver, if he’s any good or not.
Youssef En-Nesyri is upset: he’d like to go to Brighton, but Leganés would like to keep him. “It’s sad to feel poorly treated by people who have shown me that they care about money too much,” he sighed. Of course, the Morocco forward stands to make nothing at all from the proposed deal.
Idrissa Gueye has been chatting about his move to PSG. “I wanted to give a new boost to my club career by joining Paris Saint-Germain, one of the most structured and ambitious sports projects in Europe,” he said. Yes, he really did!
Two more prospects have tumbled off the Chelsea conveyor belt; midfielder Kasey Palmer has joined Bristol City on a permanent deal, while full-back Dujon Sterling is off to Wigan on loan.
And Highland League side Fort William are celebrating their first competitive win since August 2017, after sticking it to Nairn County in the North of Scotland Cup.
STILL WANT MORE?
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson takes on BT’s AI season predictor. There can be only one winner.
The Premier League previews keep rolling in with No. 7: Crystal Palace and No. 8: Everton – 16th and eighth, since you ask.
“With a well-cultivated dad bod I wasn’t exactly in the right shape to lace up my boots anyway.” Steve Keene on the joys of taking up 11-a-side football in your late 30s.
“Nicolas Pépé must learn at Arsenal that football is not fun … it’s his job.” Ed Aarons has the lowdown on the £72m Gunner with one good season under his belt.
Relive a classic Charity Shield moment, and try and get your head round the new goal-kick rules, in Classic YouTube.
Mauricio Pochettino’s comments about the status of his Tottenham role are aimed at speeding up recruitment, says Paul MacInnes.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
