PO’RAFA!
Our city-boy cousin Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver is down on his luck right now. He’s currently living in a wet cardboard box in Kings Cross, with only old copies of the FT for insulation and Berliner-sized copies of Big Paper for food. Yes, he’s yesterday’s man, having lost his job as a result of an allergic reaction to the new plastic £10 notes, which bring him out in a strange white-dotted rash around the base of his nostrils, so he maintains, court case pending. But ever the professional, this sorry predicament doesn’t stop him from keeping up to speed with the latest business news, and only on Monday afternoon he was telling us to brace ourselves for Newcastle United making some major big-money transfers this month, once Mike Ashley sells the club to billionaire-backed investment guru Amand … oh Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver! How could you?
The silly pulp-munching buffoon gave us a bum steer there all right. For on Monday night a source close to Toon tycoon Ashley denied there is any offer on the table from Amanda Staveley and her company PCP Capital. “Blah, blah blah blah, blah b-blah, blah blah blah,” is what his explanation sounded like to us, and no response has been forthcoming from Staveley or the company. Suffice to say Staveley’s reported bid of £250m doesn’t match up to Ashley’s £350m price tag, and blah, blah blah blah, blah b-blah, blah blah blah.
All of which leaves po’ Rafa Benítez somewhat high and dry. He was hoping to go on a January shopping spree in order to save Newcastle from a second successive Premier League relegation season, but with Ashley’s claws still wrapped around the purse strings, he might as well perform a flamenco-tinged rendition of the traditional anthem of the Confederate States of America. Instead the beleaguered boss will rely on loan signings, with Liverpool striker Danny Ings, Chelsea wing-back Kenedy and Crystal Palace left-back Pape Souaré representing the futility of his dreams and desires. Either that or he might just opt to do one. And so Newcastle’s long-suffering fans, with the luxurious carpet of investment once again whipped from under their feet, have only an uncertain future to look forward to. Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver knows exactly how they feel. Po’ Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely Smackable Face Fiver’s a-cold.
LIVE ON BIG NEW WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Maybe the voice comes from eating rainworms, because every time we trained, he used to eat rainworms. It was horrible, I’ve never experienced anything like it. It was like: ‘whoops, there’s a rainworm’ and then he ate it. It was a bit disgusting and very strange” – Sean Dyche’s former team-mate Soren Andersen reveals the secret behind the Burnley manager’s gravel voice.
OLD ROMANTIC OF THE DAY
17 January 2018: “The game is beautiful, let it be pure, and also made by human errors for the referee. It makes the game” – Fleetwood boss Uwe Rösler reveals he’s not the biggest fan of VAR after an offside ruling against Leicester is overturned, leading to his side’s 2-0 FA Cup defeat.
17 September 2014: “There were three penalty situations, two of them were clear penalties. We didn’t get what we deserved. Not only that but the second half, two clear handballs – I’ve seen it on a DVD … Unfortunately there is a man in black who has to have a decent day” – Wigan boss Uwe Rösler drinks in the beauty of referee Sebastian Stockbridge’s errors after reviewing them on TV following Plucky Wigan’s 0-0 draw at Huddersfield.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re José Mourinho’s comment about Henrik Mkhitaryan that “we have a feeling he can stay there, but also a feeling he can move.” I suspect he is trying to explain that Mkhitaryan is in some kind of superposition of quantum states, only to be determined after observation of position or momentum rather than just relying on feelings. I can’t figure out whether to ignore the whole thing in the hope that it goes away, or whether paying attention will make the waveform collapse, decide Henrik’s state one way or the other, and get the whole thing over with. But I’m guessing that nothing will get the whole thing over with, arguably contravening the principles of thermodynamics” – Louise Wright.
“Sir [eh? - Fiver Ed], 20 years ago, my ex-wife was invited to use the spa at the Bisham sports centre when the England squad was training. She was in the jacuzzi when she was joined by a young man wearing football shorts. Being the perceptive woman she was, she asked “are you a footballer?” to which he replied yes. “Are you famous?” Yes again. “What’s your name?” “Philip Neville.” “Oh.” She also taught Ailsa from Home and Away’s children and didn’t know who he was either. Do you have any jobs going? ” – Robert Macmillan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Louise Wright.
THE RECAP
Get the best of Big Website’s coverage sent direct to your inbox every Friday lunchtime (GMT). Has the added bonus of being on time. Sign up here.
BITS AND BOBS
Ronaldinho has performed his last joyous toe-poke in professional football, according to his brother and Mr 15%, Roberto Assis. “He has stopped, it is ended,” he sniffed.
Manchester United have made a breakthrough in contract talks with José Mourinho which, The Fiver’s assuming, involved a beancounter adding a some zeros to a number written on a scrap of paper and pushing it across a table.
A lack of communication at Chelsea of which Fiver Towers would be proud meant Antonio Conte had been planning to play Ross Barkley in tonight’s aforementioned 1-0 FA Cup replay win over Norwich until a suit informed him he was ineligible.
Liverpool’s Jon Flanagan has been sentenced to a 12-month community order for assaulting his girlfriend on a night out.
And Werder Bremen striker Max Kruse has launched Max Kruse Racing, a touring car team with, erm, a sideline in road safety courses. “Professional footballers often drive fast cars without being able to control them in borderline situations,” he screeched. “With our training program we want to guide you to responsible driving.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe can’t stop smiling. Why? Because he’s thinking of Ronaldinho.
Marina Hyde sharpens her skewer and sticks it into the “brutally self parodic” FA on the subject of Phil Neville and the England women’s team job.
Wolves goalkeeper John Ruddy speaks to Ben Fisher about how he hopes his fellow goalkeeper Carl Ikeme, who has leukaemia, will be part of any promotion party and why he’s never happier than when he’s sat on his lawn mower.
A small group of Belgians that doesn’t include Eden Hazard will hold the future of VAR in their hands when they travel to Zurich to tell Ifab whether they think it’s any good or not, writes Paul MacInnes.
Stoke or Bristol: which is the least successful English footballing city? Rediscover your inner nerd by reading this week’s The Knowledge.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
