Most romantic song?
I once gave a girlfriend the Jam single, 'The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had to Take)'. She dumped me the next day. To this day I struggle to understand why.
Dating rules?
Don't see them again if the first date wasn't good - it won't get any better.
First kiss?
Catherine, both aged six. We had a kiss in the boys' toilets, but she then blabbed to the teachers and I got lunchtime detention and she didn't. It was an early example of how unfair life can be.
First love?
Clare, both aged eight. We used to kick a tennis ball home along the street together. I thought she was great. We never kissed. I was too scared she'd tell the teachers.
Flirting tip?
Practise on people you don't fancy.
Ever been dumped?
Everybody's been dumped in some way and anybody who says they haven't is either lying or has not registered a vital life experience.
Ever been to a sex shop?
Yes - always for comedy-research purposes, you understand. And, as props, it's all tax deductible and makes for accounts that are genuinely interesting reading.
Longest period of celibacy?
Years 0-6. Goodness, they were a barren wasteland. Then I met Catherine ... But it wasn't worth lunchtime detention.
· Andy Parsons's stand-up comedy show is at the Soho Theatre, London W1 on 12, 13 and 15 April (0870 429 6883; www.sohotheatre.com
