Yarn it!
Welcome to this evening’s edition of My Voice Matters. Good evening to our esteemed panel, who will complain later it was a good evening till I began.
Our panellists are all experts on today’s topic which is — not important, since I will tell the experts how wrong they are, which I am an expert on, and that’s what is important.
As you know, this show is made up of two parts — 30 minutes of my talking, and 15 minutes of my steamrolling over anyone else who tries to.
I will start by asking our regular panellist, a pillar of support and part of the furniture here since no one else wants to return. We agree on everything (beforehand). Every other panellist is raising their hand to respond. Please wait for your own chance, which I will give you four seconds of, before disagreeing violently, calling you names and shutting you off.
May I remind our backroom boys to reduce the volumes of all our panellists, so that their jaws keep moving hilariously and only I can be heard.
This next question is directed at Mr — forgotten your name — will the teleprompter please help? Am I really supposed to do my homework? Is an anchor as important as I expected to know who my guests are? Anyway, Mr — Sir, SIR! Keep quiet! I really don’t like shouting at you. If I am to shout at you so loudly today, how will I retrieve my voice to shout at my next guests tomorrow? Answer that — Mr… Let me just call you by any other name… Answer the question if you have the guts! What question? Could I repeat the question? This is MY show, and I will choose which questions I forget, thank you.
Yes, other disagreeable panellist, I can see your hand, and I know you have something to say. Rest assured I will not allow you to say it. As for the speaker now speaking — stop speaking! I haven’t heard what you said but you are fabricating facts. Only I can do that. It is MY show. Who asked you to come here if you disagree? Oh, my team invited you.
On the Rapid Fire segment, I will fire at all those who oppose me; and like NATO, they cannot fire back. Now, for this current situation — What do you say, Dr. with many degrees? Who do you think you are to say that? I am NOT shouting — and will the rest of you put your hands DOWN. No one wants to listen to you. This is MY show.
I’m sorry, your time is up. My esteemed pillar will have the last word. Thank you, Sir, for thanking me. Yet another enlightening discussion! The viewers have heard nothing and will accuse me on Twitter, and my loyal bots will slaughter them. You see, there are idiots on my Twitter feed who think that a moderator should moderate. I’ve even been called a ‘Murderator’. See you tomorrow on I Love My Own Voice.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of‘Happily Never After’, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
