Could Harry Halliwell make the cut? Photograph: Ken McKay/Rex Features
Last month, regular readers of Lost in Showbiz may recall, Details magazine unveiled its list of the planet's most powerful men under the age of 45. Since then, you will have been wondering if anything could be more cretinous than a power list in which Kevin Federline, Britney Spears's unemployed ex-husband, clocks in at number seven, a full place higher than Muqtada al-Sadr, even if Kevin would totally, um ... whup, is it? ... the radical Shi-ite cleric's ass in a PlayStation-off. (In fact, you know what? You pick the console, soldier boy. Kevin can bring it in all formats. Wii House-to-House Fight 08? See you in hell, playa!)
But, like I said, what could be more totally dumb than such a rundown? Well, as part of this column's tireless commitment to stealing all your neurons, Lost in Showbiz has this week unearthed the ur-Stoopid List.
Yes, say hello to Animal Fair magazine's World's Most Eligible Pets list - on newsstands and the minds of morons everywhere now
"All the time we hear about the sexiest men alive, the best- and worst-dressed celebrities or the most beautiful people," explains the publication's editor, Wendy Diamond. "What about the pets?"
And so it is that Wendy has dared to ask the question literally tens want the answer to, and drawn up a list of the animals that I assume your pet should be wanting to do it with in 2008. Species restrictions may apply.
Sharing the number one spot are the canine charges of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus - Roadie, a Yorkie, and Loco, a Shih Tzu; and though we won't get bogged down in the rest of the list, you should know that it also showcases Glenn Close's terriers, Jake and Bill.
What it does above all, though, is provide an invaluable stalking resource for those pushy owners who just know their little half-breed is right for a big-hitter, but need guidance on who constitutes the ultimate quarry. Think of them as the pet-loving equivalent of Kate Middleton's mother.
Frankly, I'll bet even you are just kicking yourself for forcing neuter surgery on your hot little lapdog. She could so be getting knocked up by Hannah Montana's Yorkie right now if you'd just let her pursue her showbiz ambitions, instead of telling her that screwing Hollywood pets is a completely unstable profession, with up to 98% of wannalitters not pregnant at any one time.
Still, while you make urgent calls to Brazil-based plastic veterinarians - what was that still-trialling "spay reversal" operation you vaguely remember reading about? - the rest of us will mull over the idea of an "eligible" pet.
Of course, in this day and age the term eligible has undergone a distinct semantic change. The original, Jane Austen-ish sense of the word has long slipped out of use, and it is a now truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a no-strings gangbang alongside several of his fellow first-team players, with the whole event recorded and stored on a memory stick for subsequent viral distribution.
Times have changed for household animals too. Today, the only way to check that your pet is normal is to place on the floor in front of him pictures of the species-appropriate stars of Animal Fair's list. If your pet does not slaver over at least one of them, then as a responsible owner you may need to start asking yourself some tough questions. Like, is he freebasing? Who are those strange dogs he barks at furtively in the park? And why is his homepage a picture of Muqtada al-Sadr?
If any of these concerns are affecting you, do phone Lost in Showbiz in the preposterously misguided belief that your call will be treated in confidence.
