BABY, I COMPARE YOU TO A DISS FROM A ROSE …
The Fiver loves Spurs. They give hope to habitual losers around the world that, one day, they too might finish second. In our case, they allow us to dream that one day the phrase “Lads, it’s The Fiver” will be met with something other than a weary sigh or the confused question: “Is that thing still going? I thought they put it out of its misery years ago.” In addition to that, Spurs are an antidote to the tedious excess of modern football and modern society. Their low-key, financially responsible excellence makes them the most admirable club in the country. That’s one interpretation, anyway. The other is that SPURS GOTTA BUY SOMEONE QUICKSMART BECAUSE DANNY WANTS A NEW TOY TO PLAY WITH.
Yes, Danny Rose, Spurs’ knacked left-back, has only gone and opened his mouth without checking what was going to fall out. In an interview with the Sun, Rose announced that he wants more money, he wants Spurs to spend more money, he wants Spurs to go back in time and not sell Kyle Walker, and he wants to play up north before he retires. “I am not saying buy 10 players, I’d love to see two or three – and not players you have to Google and say, ‘Who’s that?’ I mean well-known players,” parped the world-renowned left-back.
The whole point of Spurs is that they built a brilliant team by developing relative unknowns like Dele Alli, Eric Dier and, yep, Danny Rose. “Time is running out and I do want to win trophies. One thing is for sure – I know my worth and I will make sure I get what I am worth,” he continued, making possibly the least chilling threat since Ken Barlow offered to sort out Mike Baldwin. “I am not playing as well as I have done not to get paid what I think I am worth. As with everyone else in my team, in my opinion, I am worth more than I am getting.”
Rose is a bloody good left-back. He is not, however, the second coming of Roberto Carlos and there are many who will feel he has just broken the talk:walkometer. Maybe he is feral with the lack of football. But if he pulled this stunt in a 1970s dressing-room, he’d have received a lit fag in the eye faster than he could say “taken out of context”. Mind, The Fiver feels a bit of sympathy for him. We moan when players say nothing and then moan even more when they are honest. A lot of what Rose said was fair enough – about Spurs’ squad depth, for example, and wanting to play up north before he retires to see more of his mum. But the arrogant, indiscreet manner in which he did so was not exactly conducive to dressing-room bonhomie, and some of his other comments veered between better-left-unsaid and WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP RIGHT NOW PLEASE SHUT UP. In the parlance of our time, he’s had a right Trump.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You can change the game and culture by changing your mind. Referees get a lot of stick for a number of reasons but their sexual orientation cannot be one of them” – Ryan Atkin, English football’s first openly gay professional official, bringing the truth.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I noticed the official Stoke City website says of their latest signing Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting, ‘in 2010 he pledged his international allegiance to Cameron’. How’s that for backing the wrong horse. Some people just won’t let go of this Brexit business” – Dean Hegazi.
“Re: watching flamin’ Championship football in Australia. I have to support Brian Dawson (Tuesday’s Fiver letters). Unfortunately, yesterday’s helpful suggestion of Brian Makeham that we subscribe to the iFollowsubscription service does not help me as a Perth-based Nasty Leeds fan, or indeed, supporters of most of the other larger Championship sides. Nasty Leeds, along with Villa, Boro, Hull and others have not signed up. Instead these clubs would prefer that we subscribe to each club’s own TV channel. In my case, NLUTV have a matchday package which includes everything except live footage. The irony is that owner Andrea Radrizzani made his money in TV sports and multimedia businesses, but now thanks to this season’s ‘progress’, I can no longer watch live Nasty Leeds matches. Somebody help us, please” – Mark Birbeck.
“I’m getting on a bit and, over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed my eyesight deteriorating. So, last weekend I bit the bullet, booked an appointment and took a trip to my local optician, had my doubts confirmed and invested in some designer reading glasses. This weekend I shall be heading back to the aforementioned optician, returning my new spectacles and claiming a refund, because try as I might I couldn’t see any prizeless letter o’ the day by Derek McGee (yesterday’s Fiver letters)” – Johnny McIntyre.
“I can imagine no greater slight than having penned a letter to your good selves and seeing it in print, only to find the prizeless letter o’the day is won by someone whose missive isn’t even published. I hope Mr McGee enjoys his lack of prize” – Marisa Cardoni (and 1,056 others).
“Was the letterless win a testament to how garbage the other contenders were? Harsh but fair, Fiver. Harsh but fair” – Todd Van Allen.
“Is Derek McGee the Endsleigh League John Terry of The Fiver? He clearly has the ability to lift a trophy without having taken part” – Richard Shiel.
“Flattering though this all is, I’m not sure my contribution deserves such adulation from The Fiver. After all, it was only an unfunny, contrived attempt at clever wordpla … ah, gotcha” – Derek McGee.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Derek McGee Johnny McIntyre.
BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool have told Barcelona to jog on after they came knocking with a £90m offer for Philippe Coutinho. “Liverpool is not a club that has to sell players. That is set in stone,” blathered Jürgen Klopp.
Dortmund have told Barcelona to joggen auf after they came knocking with a £90m offer for Ousmane Dembélé. This is like Brewster’s Millions. Won’t someone just take their cash.
Having tentatively thrown a few coins about, Brighton are getting the hang of this top-flight spending malarkey. They’re set to break their transfer record again by snaffling Club Brugge winger José Izquierdo for £13.5m.
Port Vale boss Michael Brown claims Nasty Leeds’ hat-trick hero Samu Sáiz knocked his team out of their stride by gobbing in the face of one of his players during the 4-1 Milk Cup defeat. “We asked their staff to take him off, they ignored that and he scored three goals,” he grumbled.
Mexico captain Rafael Márquez is among 22 people sanctioned for alleged ties to a drug trafficking organisation, the American Treasury has announced. “I categorically deny any kind of relation to this organisation,” said Marquez, adding: “Today is my most difficult match; I will try to clear all of this up.”
Po’ José Mourinho reckons plucky Manchester United might struggle in Big Cup this season because, well, y’know, the usual woe is me stuff. “We have a giant on our chest, which is really heavy, but we don’t compare our potential to the biggest clubs in Europe right now,” sniffed Mourinho. “We’ll take it step by step and be humble.”
And Lil’ Mickey Owen has been busy reviewing one of the eight films he’s watched in his life. “I watched Creed the other day,” he tooted. “It was all right. My wife kept badgering me, so I watched it on a flight to Dubai. I’d have preferred a good documentary, to be honest. I like factual stuff. I don’t like being kidded by anything. That’s my problem with films: I just can’t believe it. I sit there, thinking, ‘I wonder how many takes that took?’ and ‘is that a stuntman?’ The big action fights are so far-fetched I shake my head in disbelief: people shooting each other, rolling over with bullets just missing them, jumping off of trains. How can anyone believe that?” If you want to see another, they’re all here.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Matthew Engel went to Huddersfield to find out how the town’s gearing up for the Premier League.
Will Álvaro Morata or Alexandre Lacazette have a Premier League debut to remember? Here’s a Joy of Six on those who did.
Our Premier League previews are almost up but here’s No17 and Jacob Steinberg’s glance at Tottenham. Meanwhile, Simon Burnton’s had a nose round Watford.
The previews keep on coming: 52 fans from 16 leagues look at the new season.
And in Turkey, Galatasaray want to oust grooving Besiktas, bam-bam-bams Emre Sarigul.
Liverpool’s Trent Alexander-Arnold fears no one. He tells Andy Hunter.
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