Here’s a fun game: go back in time to 2005, run up to the first person you see and tell them everything about the world today. Tell them about Netflix and iPhones and the Large Hadron Collider, and watch them glaze over. Then tell them that, in 2015, Vin Diesel is one of our most beloved movie stars. Then run for your life, because this will make them so enraged that they’ll try to attack you. Then travel back to the present and destroy your time machine, because no good can come of enlightening our ancestors.
As unlikely as it sounds, though, it’s true. Thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy and Furious 7, Vin Diesel is on top of the world. In the last eight months, his films have made $2 billion worldwide. The man is a megastar. He delivers spectacle in industrial quantities. With this in mind, this year’s The Last Witch Hunter should be his lap of honour. Let’s take a look at its new trailer to make sure that’s the case.
We open on a snowcapped mountaintop, our heroes but specks against the majesty of mother nature. This is spectacle all right. Although, in the big scheme of things, it’s not exactly a car driving through a skyscraper.
Uh-oh, The Last Witch Hunter stars Michael Caine. Judging by the last few big films that Caine has made, this means that The Last Witch Hunter is going to have loads of boring exposition that needs to be solemnly intoned by an elder statesman figure, and also that Morgan Freeman was busy. Again, not a great sign.
But it’s OK, because here’s full-blown megastar Vin Diesel with his new sidekicks, Not Paul Walker and Not The Rock. Let’s see what sort of high-octane scrapes he’s about to get himself into.
This is much better. It’s Vin Diesel holding a dagger. Sure, on the basis of this clip he’s examining it for clues about its origin and worth, and not getting ready to fling it through the eye sockets of several dozen baddies while he abseils down an exploding oil rig, but it’s a good sign nonetheless. This is going to be great!
What the hell? This isn’t exciting. This isn’t spectacle. This is literally just Vin Diesel sitting in a chair in a gloomy room by himself. The Last Witch Hunter’s starting to look a bit rubbish, to be honest. It’s going to need to pull something pretty amazing out of the bag if it wants to keep me interested.
GROOT! Look everybody, it’s Groot! Brilliant Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy! Do your dance, Groot. Do your funny dance! Right, this film has my complete attention now.
Yeah, yeah, some butterflies. Whatever. Where’s Groot?
Oh my God, they killed Groot. This is an outrage? Who’d do such a thing? I am heartbroken. GROOT :(
Hang on. Vin Diesel. Flaming sword. Dead Groot. Does this mean … has Vin Diesel just killed his most beloved character? Is this whole film just a deliberate attempt on the part of Vin Diesel to distance himself from the unwanted glare of celebrity? Is this Leonard Nimoy’s I Am Not Spock all over again? I’m just going to go ahead and assume yes, because I don’t think I can be bothered to actually go and watch The Last Witch Hunter when it comes out.
