Name: The Jump.
Age: Four series.
Appearance: Giant orange babygro, misty breath, massive goggles.
Is this Channel 4’s celebrity winter sports show? That’s exactly what it is. Contestants compete in a different event each week, with the losers performing a live ski jump to decide who goes home. Although ...
Although? Although in practice they are about as likely to go home because they are injured.
Really? Really. Since the show began in 2014, Sam Jones (shoulder), Henry Conway (broken hand), Melinda Messenger (concussion), Steve Redgrave (broken hand), Marcus Brigstocke (knee), Ola Jordan (leg and hip), Sally Bercow (broken ribs), Tina Hobley (broken arm, dislocated elbow), Linford Christie (hamstring), Mark-Francis Vandelli (broken ankle), Rebecca Adlington (dislocated shoulder), Beth Tweddle (broken neck), Sarah Harding (knee ligaments), Heather Mills (knee, thumb), Vogue Williams (knee) and now Bradley Wiggins (broken leg) have all withdrawn hurt.
Ouch! And while it’s sad for all of them, the loss of its biggest name, Bradley Wiggins, after just two weeks, is especially bad news for the show.
Is he badly hurt? Not too badly. He just has to rest for a few weeks, he says. Poor Beth Tweddle needed surgery to fuse two vertebrae using a piece of bone from her hip, and was clearly very shaken.
How about Wiggo? Just embarrassed, I expect. Five months ago, he seemed to scorn the celebrity circuit, saying, “You don’t want to become just this pointless celebrity who’s here, there and everywhere, going on Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook.”
But celebrity ski-jumping with Davina McCall was fine? Apparently. After signing up, he said, just last week: “My worst fear was going home week one or week two and just looking like a complete prat.”
Oh dear. Still, I suppose celebrities in real physical danger must make great telly? That’s the odd thing – it doesn’t. Even the jump itself, which I’m sure is terrifying at the top, makes a strangely feeble spectacle when performed by amateurs just trying to stay alive. Plus a lot of the injuries happen in training. So far, every series has shed viewers by the end.
Maybe people just want proper cruelty? Such as?
Christopher Biggins being waterboarded by Phil Tufnell? Lady Colin Campbell beating Joey Essex with a length of garden hose? I’ll get Channel 4 on the phone.
Do say: “They’re going downhill at tremendous speed!”
Don’t say: “The contestants or the ratings?”
