1) Iron Man ice competition, Bisbee, Arizona
Several of the competitions in this space were born of laughable ideas; small wonder, then, that the resulting races are at best silly exercises in vanity. What sets the Iron Man Ice Competition apart is that the rules are so wonderfully arbitrary, the race so fundamentally pointless, that the only possible conclusion is that this is a true absurdist masterpiece.
Quick backstory: the competition is a sub-component of the Bisbee 1000 stair climb, created to fill the dead space between the completion of that event and the awards ceremony. Ostensibly, it’s an homage to the town’s mining past. But really, it’s a remarkable example of the lengths to which people will go to avoid boredom.
You start by picking up a 10lb block of ice (in the middle of the desert) with a pair of antique tongs (obviously); then you run up 155 stairs (because doing this on flat land isn’t difficult enough), across an unpaved trail (don’t you dare drop that ice), and downhill on a paved road to the finish line (where everyone presumably stands around wondering what the hell just happened).
What is the point of this, you ask? Well, what is the point of anything, really? Just shut up and get on with it.
2) Man v horse marathon, Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales
Let’s get something out of the way first: this is not a true marathon. It’s only 21 miles.
The other half of the title, however, is entirely accurate. This is a race in which people compete against horses. Across rugged, open countryside. And as a result, like most questionable ideas in human history, of a wager over a few beers.
It all started in 1980, thanks to a conversation between two men at a pub during which one stated that over a long enough distance, people could keep pace with horses. Another man who overheard it did the reasonable thing, organizing an official event. Spoiler alert: a horse won – the outcome of every race until 2004, when a man named Huw Lobb won and took home a purse of £25,000, which had grown unclaimed every year since the race’s inception.
In its current iteration, human participants are given a 15-minute head start, and the riders have to stop halfway so their horses can receive a “vet check”. Despite this, only one other person has won the race besides Lobb in its 36-year history.
As Alfie Pearce-Higgins wrote of the experience a few years ago on this website: “It’s somewhat disconcerting to hear the gallop of hooves and see a horse thundering past on a narrow track.” (D’ya think?) His conclusion: “This is truly a first-rate cross-country course, combined with some Welsh eccentricity and hospitality and the added excitement of periodically having to throw yourself into a hedge/bog/ditch to avoid being trampled by a horse.” Alrighty then.
3) Wife-carrying championships, multiple countries
Leave aside for a moment the questionable patriarchal roots of this race – which is run in places around the world after originating in Finland – and just consider how bizarre it is. You are actively deciding to carry someone else on your back for more than 250 meters through three separate obstacles, one of which is water at least a meter deep, and presumably taking it all very seriously (it is, after all, in the Guinness Book of Records). If that isn’t enough, the rules committee used to require that you have fun – then again, it also says that the wife in question doesn’t have to be yours. It can be a neighbor’s, or basically any woman over the age of 17. (Yikes.)
The most popular form of carrying is called the Estonian carry, in which the woman hangs inverted along the man’s back, with her legs around his neck while holding on to his midsection, thus freeing the man’s arms for proper balance. The prize for winning is the woman’s weight in beer; in the world championships, she sits on one end of a seesaw until the amount of beer evens it out. Variations of this in other races include prize money equal to the woman’s weight. (Considering the 2016 North American champions took home a scant $665, one would assume that’s in singles, not twenties. At least they also got 11 cases of Goose Island’s Octoberfest to go with it.)
4) Self-Transcendence 3100 Mile Race, Queens, New York
Yes, you read that right. This race covers 3,100 miles – the world’s longest certified footrace – and the course doesn’t leave the New York City borough of Queens. In fact, it never strays from the one city block surrounding Edison high school in the neighborhood of Jamaica. For those of you counting at home, that’s 5,649 laps. Participants have 52 days (from 6am to midnight) to cover the 3,100 miles – which sounds like a reprieve, until a bit of quick math reveals that to be an average of about 60 miles a day.
The race was founded by noted spiritual leader Sri Chinmoy, who opened the first meditation center in Queens after moving to the US in 1964. Finishers needn’t complete the full 3,100 miles, but that’s hardly the point. The goal is right there in the name: self-transcendence, achieved by pushing yourself beyond your physical limits.
Go to the Wikipedia page for the race, and you’ll find that the “record” for completing the race is just over 40 days, by a Finn named Asprihanal Aalto in 2015. Which, when you think about it, kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? Stop worrying about your time and start worrying about your self, man.
5) Burro Days pack burro race, Fairplay, Colorado
As if hauling ass up the side of a mountain wasn’t hard enough, the organizers of this race decided that you should be required to haul an actual ass along with you.
Part of an annual celebration of the state’s prospecting heyday, this particular pack burro race offers two lengths. The longer course is not for the faint-hearted: from the main street in downtown Fairplay, participants and their donkeys must ascend Mosquito Pass (13,188ft above sea level) before coming back down to finish, for a total distance of nearly 30 miles.
The rules are surprisingly rigorous and strive for authenticity: the burro must carry a load that includes a pick, gold pan and shovel and weighs a minimum of 33lbs, and be led by a tether no longer than 15ft. You also are prohibited from riding the burro.
Lest you forget the adage about donkeys, racers who find themselves alone on the trail may soon encounter donkeys that suddenly decide they’re done, and will refuse to budge. Sounds like a drag.
6) The Big Five marathon, Limpopo province, South Africa
Perhaps not the most unusual race on this list, it would also be the most straightforward one – it is, after all, a traditional overland marathon – if not for the regular, freely roaming presence of the “big five” of African game: elephants, rhinos, leopards, buffalo and lions. (Zebras, antelope and giraffes are also commonly sighted.)
Fear not: there are helicopters and armed rangers monitoring the course to both track and deter would-be predators. The threat is legitimate enough that there are several cut-off times at which race officials will pick up laggards and drive them back to the lodge. As the website reads: “The cut-off times are strictly enforced to keep everybody safe!”
There’s also the matter of the course itself: rocky, uneven and incredibly hilly. The winning times are a testament to the level of difficulty, with the champions often clocking times in excess of three hours and 30 minutes – nearly an hour and a half longer than your standard marathon winner.
And of course there is also the occasional forced interruption. As one reviewer, RunBottiRun, said of the experience: “Probably the only marathon I can say I had to stop for herds of wilder beast and zebra to cross the course.”
