With September around the corner, this feels the right time to admit how I’ve spent the summer: tracking the invasion of foreigners to Britain. Tempted by our culture and a stable democracy, swathes of immigrants are coming here for a new life. While the rest of us toil at work and struggle to get on the housing ladder, many “foreign nationals” are enjoying luxury accommodation and hanging out idly in the streets. Still, it’s nice that Ellen DeGeneres has found happiness in the Cotswolds now that her chatshow has ended.
Having relocated from the US after Donald Trump’s re-election last year, Degeneres and her wife, Portia de Rossi, have spent the summer effectively doing full-time English cosplay. In recent weeks, DeGeneres has shared with her 135 million Instagram followers such idyllic countryside pastimes as: buying sheep, riding a horse, mowing grass, the sheep escaping, naming a chicken Linda, taking a dog to the pub, and the sheep escaping again.
In one reel, De Rossi grapples with finding the BBC’s catch-up service to watch Wimbledon. Leaning into her phone, desperation in her smiling eyes, she asks: “Siri. Siri? How can I get … What do I want?!” It is like watching Paddington but instead of a bear learning to use the escalator, it’s an actor trying to work iPlayer.
The couple are two of a number of uber-wealthy North American celebrities who have enjoyed the un-air-conditioned greenery of England this summer: US vice-president JD Vance, pop star Shawn Mendes and Steve Jobs’ daughter have all been spotted in the south-west, with some – such as Mendes – opting to stay in the UK long-term. This follows famous faces including Johnny Depp and Lena Dunham, who have found a British home in recent years. Predictably, it has encouraged more of their kind to follow: luxury estate agents say a growing number of Americans and high-wealth families are seeking a foothold in England.
Oddly, my colleagues in the British media have not been concerned by this particular wave of immigration. The Daily Mail, which has spent the summer decrying asylum seekers and migrants, last week wrote how “sweet” it is to see De Rossi “living her dream”. Nor have any politicians warned about the crisis. On the contrary, home secretary Yvette Cooper recently told parliament there could be short cuts for migrants based on “the contribution” – which is not at all code for cash investment, you understand – they have made to the country. At the time of writing, Conservative Robert Jenrick has not been pictured protesting outside any Cotswold mansions. This is despite reports that DeGeneres has just bought a larger Gloucestershire property that could have gone to hardworking locals.
There are already worrying signs these foreign millionaires don’t respect British values, including the etiquette to not order food 10 minutes before closing time because the chef’s gone out back for a smoke. When he was recently in his village’s cafe, Canadian Mendes reportedly “got a telling-off” because he was ordering food “right before the kitchen closed”.
I’m as welcoming as the next person – sometimes I sit outside hotels with a sign that says, “Celebrities welcome here!” – but it’s a legitimate concern that people from different backgrounds won’t integrate. Going to the pub or rearing chickens is not enough. Celebrities need to do more to acclimatise to the British way of life. Can Mendes describe the difference between Count Binface and Bingate? Does Dunham know whether Ant stands on Dec’s left or right? And has De Rossi ever been to the big Asda?
Look, I’m not saying that we should be scheduling the deportation flights for celebrities now, but I’m also not not saying that. Otherwise it would almost be as if there were “good” immigrants and “bad” ones; that our political culture creates a narrative that says white millionaires should be welcomed to Britain and people of colour who are in need should be vilified. Anyway, I haven’t got time for this. I’ve got to check DeGeneres’ Instagram. I’m worried she hasn’t got a TV licence and is just ticking the “yes” box when it flashes up on the iPad. You know what foreigners are like – always milking the system.
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