The Illustrated Herdwick Shepherd by James Rebanks – digested read

Does Rebanks dream of eclectic sheep? Illustration: Matthew Blease

Here is a photograph of a sheep.

I am the luckiest man alive. My book about being a shepherd in the Lake District was such a surprise bestseller earlier in the year, that my publishers have decided to cash in for Christmas by producing another book that is much the same. Only this one has photos of sheep and hills. I’m not sure why this bit is in italics. It must be because it takes more room on the page.

Here is a photograph of some sheep on a hill in winter.

My earliest memory is of me aged four running down a path in a cowboy outfit and nearly falling over. That’s it really.

Here is a photograph of me aged four in a cowboy outfit.

Related: James Rebanks, Twitter’s favourite shepherd: ‘Sheep farming is another form of culture, just like Picasso or punk’

By the time I was 15 I was sheep nuts. I had two sheep of my own called Betty and Lettuce. I also had a calf until it grew too big.

Sadly there are no photographs of Betty and Lettuce, so you will have to make do with photographs of some other sheep.

The Cumbrian dialect can be confusing. Here is a brief guide:

Yursel: Yourself

Tup: Ram

Thuz dun alreet: Something my publisher says to me

My first girlfriend dumped me when I spent 2,000 guineas on a ram rather than a car. When I met Helen I pretended to be interested in art and let her take me round loads of boring galleries. I’ve always thought Van Gogh would have been a lot better off painting sheep rather than sunflowers. Once we had got married, I went back to sheep.

Here are 10 pages of photographs of sheep. Some have white faces, some have black faces. Van Gogh would have liked that.

I am now writing in italics again. This is to signify my publishers want me to write something naturey and lyrical. The fields are calling me. I cannot resist them. That kind of thing.

No one likes to talk about dead sheep or eating lamb. So here is a photograph of more sheep that are very much alive. Can you hear them? Ba-a-a. Ba-a-a!

Herdwicks are a hardy breed, but you wouldn’t believe the things you have to do to look after them before a sheep show. Here is a checklist:

Legs: Four are essential. Making sure of this can be tricky when it’s snowing and there is a lot of white on the hills.

Teeth: Judges expect sheep to have clean teeth. A good toothbrush is essential. Preferably not Helen’s!!!!

Wool: Must be washed twice, with Timotei conditioner. Then apply a red gloss and blow dry.

Heavy dews, draughts gathering like crumpled biplanes etc.

The Flock Book. Every shepherd keeps a list of his sheep’s feeding preferences. For instance, Rammy the Ram always likes a nice bit of gorse. I once bought a stock book from 1920. It cost me £100 but luckily I found some lovely old photos in it.

Here are 18 pages of black and white sheepy photographs from the 1920s. They’re quite nice, aren’t they?

I expect you might be wondering if one sheep looks much the same as another one. Well, no they don’t. Some are woollier than others. But even I am running out of anything new to say about sheep, so let me tell you about some of my sheepy friends. Ginger Joe is called that because he has ginger hair.

Here is a photograph of Ginger Joe.

Another friend is called Turbo Willie. That’s because he is prone to premature ejaculation.

Here is a photograph of Turbo Willie.

Sheep farming isn’t all about sheep as the sheep are often quite happy wandering around the dales by themselves. So at lunchtimes I like to watch the birds or pick blackberries and in the evenings, ever since we watched Great British Bake Off on television, we all have baking competitions.

Here is a photograph of a loaf of bread that looks like a sheep.

The hay is baled and the empty fields stand quiet as dormice. The life of the meadow etc.

All shepherds have sheepdogs. Imagine how tiring it would be having to run around after the sheep yourself. Sheep dogs respond to commands. Here is a checklist.

Stay: Stay

Come here: Come here

Lie down: Lie down

Here are another 12 pages of photographs of sheep in the autumn.

Every shepherd has a bucket list of things he would like to do before he dies. Here’s mine.

1. See some sheep in New Zealand.
2. See some sheep in America.
3. See some sheep in Russia.

That’s about it.

As I drive along the valley bottom, a mist of shadows and gossamer lies across the fells etc.

Here’s a final photograph of some sheep looking the other way.

The digested read, digested: The textbook cash-in.