ALL HAIL THE MOYESIAH!
The Fiver’s ‘List of People we Admire’ is a very short one. Cagney and Lacey, Joey Boswell and the overgrown offbeat cartoon rooster Foghorn Leghorn. What a dinner party that would be! It would take someone very special to join such exalted company. But then David Moyes is proving himself to be just that. While most run-of-the-mill managers would attempt to tighten up their defence, sign a battle-hardened Big Man and get a massive steaming funk on whenever anything goes wrong in the midst of a relegation battle, Moyes has taken the novel approach of switching the lights off and sinking deep into the ice-cold tomb of an existential crisis. It’s a place The Fiver knows well. We may even get along.
And what Moyes has found within himself is the capacity to seem so utterly defeated he could rename himself American Samoa. Only last week he said Sunderland’s new signings would make no difference to the club’s season in a press conference that may as well have been soundtracked by a giant tolling bell. And in what would appear to show Moyes has a great grasp of deathly symbolism, today Sunderland’s breezy manager has announced the short-term signing of Joleon Lescott, a player so steeped in the stench of recent relegation that he may as well have been presented in a comedy coffin. Marvellous stuff! All hail the Moyesiah!
In fairness to Moyes, it would seem that most of his woe-be-me schtick is aimed at making it clear that he has funding issues only marginally worse than those of the NHS – and he’d quite like the fans to know it. “LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT WHAT THEY MADE ME DO!” he may as well have howled from atop Lescott’s shoulders. Having inherited a collection of signings worse than Fred Durst’s back catalogue, Moyes is in the unenviable position of having to pull another fibre or two off an already threadbare squad to avoid a financial-fair-play slap to the chops. It’s why Patrick van Aanholt, one of his few competent players, may be allowed to jump ship from The Stadium of Fright to the Palace of Doom and join former England manager Sam Allardyce in a £12m move that would surely bring that whopping great iceberg into view and give Moyes every right to Captain Edward J Smith Sunderland all over it.
So far, Moyes has managed to keep hold of his last remaining hope of survival, Jermain Defoe. His 12 goals in 22 Premier League matches would appear to be witchcraft considering he has mostly been playing alongside a collection of red-and-white striped cardboard cutouts. As for Moyes, it seems he’ll be there till the bitter end, and Ellis Short seems as unable to find solutions as his manager . So far Moyes’s most proactive move has been to grasp his little royal blue notebook and dial up the class of 2009 and ask for help. With Steven Pienaar, Lescott, Victor Anichebe and Jack Rodwell already on board, he just needs Phil Jagielka to make his way up to Wearside and he’ll have his old Merseybeat band back together. If you live in the north-east you may want to invest in some ear plugs. There’ll be some awful noises coming out of Sunderland in the coming months.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Me to China? No … I’m still looking young, right? I always say that if I went to China I would end up feeling angry there. Do you play football because you love football or do you play because you want to make money? Look at my friend Ibrahimovic. He’s 35 and he’s going to play for maybe … three more years? He’s got the same mentality as me. He’s a big player, a champion who loves football. It’s football first” – Yaya Touré insists he’s not all about the Benjamins.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires considers the effects on football now a 14-year-old boy trapped in the body of a golden-hued septuagenarian has been inaugurated as USA! USA!! USA!!! president. Steve Bruce, Arsène Wenger and Piers Morgan may also want to look away now.
FIVER LETTERS
“I note from yesterday’s Still Want Mores that Hyundai Motors have signed Kim Jin-su. Instead of a left-back, shouldn’t Hyundai have been looking to sign a midfield dynamo with a good engine?” – Robert Darby.
“I can’t believe you missed the opportunity for a pun-based dig at Arsenal’s traditional end-of-season position after Arsène Wenger’s official wrestle (yesterday’s Fiver). You could have gone with ‘Arsène seizes fourth, official’ or, y’know, something better. I’m not angry, just disappointed” – Bobby Rintoul.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robert Darby.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The plan to seize Millwall’s land around The Den has been left hanging by a thread after it emerged that Lewisham Labour councillors are in open revolt against the compulsory purchase order scheme.
Jürgen Klopp has told his Liverpool players to start enjoying their jobs sharpish, and cut down the threat posed by throw-ins while they’re at it, in a long clear-the-air meeting.
Manchester United are moving 2,600 fans in order to create 300 new positions for disabled supporters at Old Trafford.
Asmir Begovic has realised he wants to play football, Bournemouth have offered £10m for him but Chelsea will only let them go if they can find a replacement No2.
Middlesbrough owner Steve Gibson has opted against trousering £50m of Chinese investment in the club.
And Notts County owner Alan Hardy says manager John Sheridan was given the boot for gross misconduct following his bad word-laden rant at match officials. Last week, an FA document was made public for the first time, detailing the foul and abusive comments made by Sheridan towards ref Eddie Ilderton and fourth official Matthew Donohue during the 2-0 defeat to Wycombe on 10 December. “You’re a [effing cee]. A [cee],” he bawled at Donohue,” before telling Ilderton: “You’re a [effing] disgrace, you’re [effing] useless, you’ve not [effing] got anything right today, you should be [effing] ashamed, you’re [effing] $hit, my kids aren’t going to get any [effing] Christmas presents because of [effing] you.”
![Not sure what happened with the [effing] festive gifts.](https://media.guim.co.uk/d6bcf2a9847e72c9d7133c6c22ad989a0c594500/336_66_1945_1167/1000.jpg)
STILL WANT MORE?
Ousmane Dembélé and the missing release clause. By JK Rowling Ed Aarons.
He wore make-up on the pitch, played in rock bands and caused controversy before meeting an untimely death, Simon Burnton tells the forgotten story of ... Dario Dubois, Argentina’s face-painted footballer.
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Check the movers and schmoozers in our snazzy transfer interactive, where you can sign up for notifications for the latest news.
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