'I didn't expect the film to be selected for Cannes and was surprised to find myself and my friend Lisa on the Eurostar heading for France. When we arrived, we checked into our hotel, which is just up the hill from the centre of Cannes. We've got fantastic views, even if there is pigeon shit on the balcony. I don't think there are any famous people at my hotel, although I did see Tim Roth the other day.
'I felt very nervous on the morning of the first screenings. There were two that day - the press screening in the afternoon and another in the evening. The 800-seat auditorium for the first screening was full and there were still 300 people or more queueing outside. I had to leave half an hour into the film to get something from the foyer and this guy who had also left said to me, "Isn't that the worst film you've ever seen?"
'When I went back in, it was near the end of the film and I could hear waves of laughter as the English speakers laughed and then a second wave as the people reading the subtitles laughed. After the film, I felt very hyped-up but encouraged and optimistic. Lisa says I went round all afternoon acting like a prima donna.
'After the evening screening, FilmFour had a party on the beach where they served fish and chips and everyone was coming up to me and congratulating me. A couple of people who I had approached for financial backing came up and said how much they regretted not getting involved with the film. I got back to my room at 6am and took my phone off the hook, but the PRs had me up at 9am, banging on my door, getting me off to my appointments and meetings.
'On Monday, there was a party for the first-time directors. I had a group photo taken with Alex Winter, the one who's in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Then we were invited to go and see Tim Robbins's new film. It was very strict dress code but I only had a grey tie and suit, so I called and asked if it would be all right to wear that. When I turned up, the French fashion police objected to my tie. I had a row with them and ripped up my tickets and stormed off. I went swimming.
'They're announcing the winners of the Camera D'Or on Sunday, but I'm not expecting anything. There's also something called the Audience Award where the audience vote for the best film. After the film, they tear off a section of their ticket marked one, two or three; three is the best. At one of the screenings of my film, Lisa and I waited until everyone had left the auditorium and picked up the old tickets and tore off a couple of twos and threes that hadn't been used and stuck them in the ballot box. If I win, I'll be exposed as a cheat and they'll have to give the prize to the runner-up.
'I'm leaving Cannes tomorrow and when I get back to England hopefully I'll have some good scripts to read. My agent says I won't get any good ones; I'll just have lots more bad ones.'
East Is East opens in the UK in September. Damien O'Donnell was talking to Kim Bunce
