CAN IT BE EURO 2020 IF IT’S PLAYED IN 2021?
Let’s face it, this year’s Euros were going to be pony. After a frenzied few months of Tin, Championship Manager 01-02 and rediscovering the concept of “baths”, can you imagine actually wanting to watch a real-life football tournament? The Fiver certainly can’t. The home brew is coming along nicely, and we’ve just signed Mike Duff, but in actual breaking news that will come as a shock to absolutely nobody (although we’re sure rolling sports media outlets can find some), Euro 2020 will now take place next summer, hypothetically giving room this year for Europe’s domestic leagues to finish in time for the start of next season. Fear not, Karren Brady!
Following an emergency MSN Messenger group chat with 55 federations, the Norwegian FA was first to disclose the news on Social Media Disgrace Twitter. “Uefa has decided that the European Championship is postponed to 2021,” it parped. “It will be played from 11 June to 11 July next year.” Uefa’s chief suit, Aleksander Ceferin, followed, er, suit. “We are at the helm of a sport that vast numbers of people live and breathe that has been laid low by this invisible and fast-moving opponent,” he sighed. “Uefa tabled a range of options so that competitions can finish this season safely and I am proud of the response of my colleagues across European football. There was a real spirit of co-operation, with everyone recognising that they had to sacrifice something in order to achieve the best result.”
Further details of the “sacrifices” and “results” were thin on the ground, although Uefa did clarify that decisions on dates for other club and international competitions for men or women would “be taken and announced in due course”. Currently the Women’s European Championships – long scheduled for 7 July-1 August 2021 – directly clashes with the new dates, but with Ceferin asserting last year that “women’s football is the football of today, it is not the football of tomorrow”, The Fiver foresees no immediate problems with this particular hiccup. Or with the fact that the men’s tournament spans multiple host cities in 12 countries, with the semi-final and final set to be played in the same country.
The Fiver trusts Uefa – stoic and reliable custodians of the European game – but can’t help feeling if it is all worth having a football tournament after all. Ask yourself this, and be honest. Would you rather spend next summer listening to Martin Keown tactically dissecting Denmark v Finland or to Stuart Pearce go all John Cusack in High Fidelity and talk about his top-five favourite punk records? The Fiver rests its case. Enjoy your summer, folks!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Sorry guys, pull us out of this one. Didn’t realise your involvement with a certain sponsor/newspaper” – Tranmere Rovers pull out of the Leyton Orient-instigated, 64-team Fifa 20 tournament with other bored club social account admin, due to the Sun.
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David Squires on … attempts to fill the void left by football. Available here too.
FIVER LETTERS
“So football’s stopped but The Fiver rumbles on. Like some clubs who ‘live tweeted’ games that didn’t happen, surely The Fiver could just carry on as usual and pretend football was not stopped. Of course this might lead to lazy journalism and factual inaccuracies, but I suspect none of us would notice the difference, or care terribly much, and we’d all still feel we were getting value for money. Oh. Stay safe Fiver” – Phil Smyth.
“I thought you’d like to hear about my small but significant contribution towards The Fiver’s noble STOP FOOTBALL campaign. A group of Dickensian urchins were noisily kicking a football outside the flats at the weekend, using hoodies for goalposts and disturbing my afternoon’s virus discussion with Mrs Tin. I loudly told them that the season is over and football has been stopped. Naturally, I was left with no choice other than to confiscate the ball, goalposts, and rudimentary VAR machine. There were tears of course, but I told them it’s for their own good” – Mark Husbands.
“Here were me and my fellow Bury fans thinking that football had stopped last August” – Darrien Bold.
“It seems like the success of the Stop Football campaign is beneficial to The Fiver. For instance, I was so bored this morning that I read … The Fiver” – Eric Penner.
“I’m afraid that a Scottish newspaper I shall not name beat you to both the archives and unintended entertainment. Last Sunday’s edition carried an interview with ‘Sons [sic] boss’ [ie Dumbarton manager] Ian Murray on the effect of football currently having a plague on all its houses. Ian Murray ceased being manager at the whatever-it-was-called-that-season stadium in May 2015” – Peter Storch.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Phil Smyth.
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It’s the Football Weekly podcast!
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Barnet have responded to the suspension of football by putting around 60 non-playing staff on immediate notice of redundancy. “Footballers are protected in the game, but my sympathies in this crisis lie with the cleaners, the receptionists, the marketing guys straight out of college, the matchday stewards who will lose their money which keeps them going in the week,” said owner Tony Kleanthous. “These are the people nobody thinks of.”
Manchester United have told their players not to come in to training, as per coronavirus guidelines. City’s players, meanwhile, are also thought to be working alone. And the National League has finally bowed to the inevitable.
Coronavirus has also forced Liverpool to cancel their annual Hillsborough memorial service.
Valencia have announced that “around 35%” of their players and backroom staff have tested positive for coronavirus.
Kieran Trippier wants to retire at Burnley and would only return to the Premier League to play there under Sean Dyche. “He still mithers me about taking me back one day,” tooted the former Clarets defender. “It’ll happen one day for sure, I’ll 100% be back playing for them.”
And Ronaldinho is still bossing it, even if it’s in prison football.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Will we have to strike?” Football in Brazil continues despite coronavirus, as Joshua Law reports.
PSG: a story of promise, dominance, blunders … and now hope?
Beware the sporting disaster capitalists not letting this crisis go to waste, writes Jonathan Liew.
Today’s trip to the archive.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
