Well non-swank but *everyone* says I aced my lines in the kitchen, even the super long one about helping Dave keep grounded and putting things in perspective, which is BBC language for going whatevs? I mean OK I forgot to say kids not children but literally you hardly noticed, plus Craig says a professional could not have styled the kitchen better, the dead mouse on the prosciutto was inspired #hattipSarahGovey. I was like, are you sure the mess was not OTT, Nancy thinks the Heroes egg was kind of culturally jarring with the breadmaker? Craig was like trust me, it totally balanced the salad bowl, & the Nancy/Clarkson story arc is pure genius. I’m like, well I hope people will not think that weaponising a child in a signal to Mr Cobber’s sexually inadequate Top Gear-obsessed C2 demographic is crudely exploitative? Craig was like, are you mad, where are the Milibands going to source a Clarkson-supporting Nancy substitute at this stage, plus “chief cook” was roflworthy, what do we owe Landale? I’m like, Dave said not to bother, at school Jammy was totes harmless, bit of a hero-worshipper if anything?
So we are TOTES *shocked face* in shock? Dave’s like, OMG major bisherama klaxon, babes please can you say something very grounded & perspectivated? I’m like *grounded voice* you are too trusting babes, if Mr Cobber says you royally fucked up & how many times did he say stick to shopping & cooking & what was the effing point of all that rehearsing in the middle of Chipping frigging Nowhere, just explain you forgot about roasting Jammy in the fire all that time ago, btw the cleaner has resigned for us shaming her in front of the entire nation & the cook is suing you for constructive dismissal.
Dave’s like, actually what Lynton says is, anyone who mentions politics against his express orders (a) does not deserve to be PM & (b) incurs a £100,000 surcharge for making his job more difficult :(( I’m like, well at least Theresa & Oik must have looked happy? Dave’s like, hard to say tbh, they both had their heads buried in kitchen brochures. I’m like, well, putting it in perspective, the Clarksonator says you are a gentleman & a mentalist, Dave’s like, yay!
