So that’s it for another charity Bake Off, and what a lovely hour of telly that was. Thank you for reading and for your brilliant comments - I’ll be back here for next week’s show, so join me then for more carb-themed mayhem. In the meantime you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens, so feel free to give me a wave (cake emoji optional). See you next week!
She’s very happy, I hope this goes some way to compensating for losing Strictly to Louis Smith. Or maybe not, it’s only been three years.
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So Kimberley to win, surely? I’m not sure Ed will ever get over it.
And the winner of the Star Baker apron is…KIMBERLEY!
Judging time! Mary loves VCM’s sea, but the boat is more of a life raft. The flavour is far too salty, but I can’t take Paul seriously because his tongue has gone blue.
Chris’s dead bodyboarder cake gets plenty of laughs, but the sponge is beautifully baked and the flavour is one of the best Paul has tasted this year. Ed’s cake design is super-impressive and the flavour is great – Mary will be trying his double cream sponge method.
Kimberley’s mountain cake looks professional, and is a proper showstopper. The cake is delicious too, and Mary loves the yoghurt flavour. Good work Kimberley.
VCM is finished, there’s nothing she can do to save that cake. I’d drink more vodka if I were you. Kimberley’s mountain looks like an elephant foot, but I love her silhouette animals around the outside. Ed is making the Olympic logo out of fruit polos. Time’s UP!
Ed is assembling his ski jump, he’s taking this all very seriously. Chris’s bodyboarder is stuck to the board, and VCM’s boat looks like old cheese. Chris’s fondant person is now on the cake, but it all looks like a horrible bodyboarding accident.
Ed is something of an expert at novelty cakes, we learn. He’s made a cheeseburger and an iPad in cake form. Icing is being spread frantically, and mostly looks like a huge mess. Chris’s cake is also listing slightly.
Ed appears to making a fondant penis; oh, it’s a snowman. Chris’s fondant looks like mustard, so he gets some advice from Kimberley. Ed’s Eddie the Easgle looks really good, whilst Chris’s bodyboarder looks like dog poo.
Kimberley’s Mount Kilimanjaro looks great, and VCM is having a panic that her cake isn’t looking as exciting as everyone else’s. She sprinkles extra salt on, because she is certifiably insane.
Kimberley is making Mount Kilimanjaro in cake form, in memory of her Sport Relief climb a few years ago. It sounds quite complicated. Ed is doing a ski jump cake, complete with a fondant Eddie The Eagle. He’s going to buttercream up the front, back and sides, which is definitely not a euphemism.
Victoria is making a chocolate sea sponge, representing round-the-world sailing. As opposed to just general sailing around Lake Windermere or something. But let’s go with it.
Ed is putting double cream in his sponge, VCM’s contains salt, and Kimberley’s has yoghurt. Chris is making an extreme bodyboarding cake, because riding shallow waves on a bit of foam is clearly the most extreme of all the water-based sports.
It’s showstopper time! This week our bakers have to make a three-laired cake that represents an extreme sport. After last week’s dubious interpretation of the showstopper brief, I fully expect a pilates traybake or snooker-themed cookies.
Kimberley’s looking good after the first two rounds, and she’s a big cake-maker too. Ed wants it bad, but he’s a maverick. Victoria’s a bit random, but super-competitive. Let’s not talk about Chris.
Kimberley’s have a “sort of” football on the top. The pastry is nice and thin, but they could be a little more baked. The filling needs a bit more seasoning. Chris’s pastry has a good colour, but again they’re under-seasoned. VCM’s have an attempt at a football on the top, and it’s a nice bake. Paul and Mary like the filling too. Ed’s pies are underbaked and have collapsed, and they needed more seasoning.
Ed comes fourth, Chris third, Kimberley third and VCM in first place! I’d eat all those pies in one go.
With one minute to go, VCM finally gets her pies out of the oven. They look pretty good to me.
Ed’s pies are experiencing spillage, and he’s worried they’re overcooked. Shouldn’t have blind baked them, see. VCM’s pies are a bit pale; she’s forgotten to glaze them so does it last minute. Chris’s pies look like roadkill.
Meanwhile Ed is making a football out of pastry hexagons, and failing to appreciate Jennifer’s comedy about it looking like a nuclear symbol. She’s one of the funniest women on television, Ed, at least have the decency to chuckle politely.
Incidentally, they look more like flowers than footballs, if you ask me. Just saying.
Kimberley is shovelling filling into her pies, whilst Victoria is moaning that her husband is happy to receive edible food and doesn’t require it to look like the Taj Mahal. Has she ever seen Bake Off before?
Apparently they need to make the lid look like a football – Kimberley’s looks like nothing of the sort, but at least it’s better than Chris’s, who has given up on crimping his lid and is randomly poking it with a knife.
Ed is the only one blind baking his pastry case, which you wouldn’t normally do on a pie. But Ed is Mr Fancy Pants Smug Know-It-All.
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Chris doesn’t know what clingfilm is. ‘Rap and chill’ is his recommendation, which is hopefully nothing to do with Netflix. VCM is wearing her Jackie O glasses to chop onions, and now looks like Roy Orbison.
This will be the first pie Chris has ever cooked. Kimberley was hoping for fairy cakes or a Victoria sponge. VCM is wrestling with the Kitchenaid, she’s never used one before. Making pastry is proving a mystery to some.
Technical challenge time! Tonight’s bake is four Football Pies, which is either a pie that looks like a football, or a pie that’s so overbaked you could have a kickabout in the park with it. Let’s assume the former.
The daughter informs that, as well as being a football pundit, Chris is on Ninja Warrior. Good to know.
Chris’s muffins are all even-sized, but they taste like paint and the texture is too chewy. Ed’s football muffins have impressed Mary, and Paul likes the texture. Good banana flavour and an all-round good muffin. Kimberley’s muffins have sunk and they’re a bit underbaked, but the flavour is fantastic. VCM has presented her muffins with vodka shots, but this doesn’t distract from the random sizing. Mary thinks they’re fun, but she doesn’t like the flavour. Paul’s impressed that VCM has managed to create a Bloody Mary in muffin form.
Mary’s never had a Bloody Mary! Well, you have to sober up first.
Ed’s making his icing. He has a slightly frantic air about his mixing, I think he might have a meltdown in the Showstopper. VCM is trimming her muffin cases to make her muffins look more risen, whilst Chris is tentatively sprinkling with icing sugar. Loving Kimberley’s muffin trug. Time’s up!
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Ed has made a football pitch to put his muffins on. Chris is snarking about how much time politicians have on their hands to practice. Ed’s muffins are out, and look pretty good, but VCM’s haven’t risen. Possibly because there are no actual muffin ingredients in there?
VCM can’t remember if she put the vodka in, so she’s splashing a bit more in. I’m not sure I could love her more right now.
Ed’s muffins have eight bananas in, and some will be in Chelsea colours and others Norwich City. That’s clearly NOT 24 identical muffins and Ed should be disqualified. Bet Mary loves them.
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Chris is making sultana and banana muffins, with a touch of cinnamon. Ed is making the same, but his have yoghurt in. Kimberley is making strawberry cheesecake muffins, which get my vote with bells on. VCM is making Bloody Mary muffins, which involve vodka. What’s not to love?
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VCM has only made muffins in practise, but they didn’t rise. Ed Balls isn’t using an electric mixer, because they need light handling. He’s right; I think Ed might be a secret baking god.
Right, let’s kick things off with a Signature challenge – this week it’s to make 24 identical muffins. Is that it? Muffins are easy – wet ingredients in one bowl, dry ingredients in another, mix together briefly and bung in muffin cases. Who could mess that up, apart from Dame Edna?
VCM isn’t in favour of sport, but she agreed to raise money if it’s in a high fat, high carb way. I fully support this. I’ve never seen Chris Kamara before, but his ‘tache is spectacular. Kimberley is adorable, and Ed Balls has just been described as a ‘Twitter sensation’. What am I missing?
And we’re off! Our presenter tonight is the marvellous Jennifer Saunders, alas not as Edina from Ab Fab. Well, you can’t have everything.
Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Sport Relief Bake Off liveblog! Last week SamCam impressed Paul and Mary with her fancy canapes, praline-stuffed choux thingies and ability to make vast quantities of blue fondant icing. They gave her a Star Baker apron, presumably in exchange for official investiture as National Treasures or some Downing Street novelty spoons. I’m still not entirely convinced that SamCam’s “I haven’t laughed so much since school” wasn’t a cry for help, but it’s too late to save her now.
Anyway, tonight’s four intrepid Star Bakers includes former Labour MP Ed Balls, football commentator Chris Kamara, pop princess Kimberley Walsh and TV presenter, writer and poker queen Victoria Coren Mitchell. I’ve got a bit of a girl crush on VCM, am very much hoping she turns out to be Nigella in disguise.
As usual I’ll be knocking out a liveblog sponge with buttercream filling up here; your job is to add the icing and sprinkles in the comment box below. I’ll be firing up my food mixer from 8pm – see you then!
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