So that’s it for tonight’s show! Thank you all for joining in and being brilliant as always, you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens if you want to say hello. I’ll be back next Wednesday at 8.30pm for another jaunt into the Bake Off tent, this time featuring Ed Balls, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Kimberley Walsh and Chris Kamara. Please join me then, and have a fabulous week! Hx
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“I genuinely haven’t laughed so much since I was sat at the back of the class”, says Sam. I feel sorry for her now. Free SamCam!
And Star Baker is…SAM!
That’s another tick on Mary’s ‘elevation to the peerage’ checklist. She’ll be Baroness Berry of Bath by the time SamCam’s broken kitchen timer has gone off, you mark my words.
So who will win the Star Baker apron? It’s going to be SamCam, isn’t it?
Maddy’s yoga mat looks like a yoga mat, but alas NOT LIKE A TROPHY OF ANY KIND. Her sponge is a bit close, but it tastes nice.
SamCam’s surfing cake includes a tonne of fondant, and Mary gives a big “ooh!” at the strawberries in the middle. All the sponges taste lovely, and she gets a well done from Paul.
Jason’s Ashes trophy looks more like a funeral urn, and is on the wonk. His jam is overcooked and the sponges are dry.
David’s helmet cake looks like a huge dinosaur poo, but Mary’s impressed with the five layers. They’re well baked and taste great, shame about the presentation.
Fondant is being slapped on, and some frantic freezing is going on. Only 15 minutes left! David’s cake currently looks nothing like a helmet, and SamCam’s wave looks like a giant igloo. Jason is panicking, and it’s all a bit of a shambles. David’s fondant is falling apart, and now his helmet has collapsed. That’s an American football helmet, apparently.
David has a theory about his cake cooking quicker if he sticks a metal spoon in it, because the spoon will become a conductor of heat.
I’d like to remind David, who clearly wasn’t paying attention in GCSE Physics the way I was, that stainless steel is a very poor conductor of heat because it is an alloy.
David can’t find a spoon, so he sticks a fork in it. Mel’s mind is blown by David’s boundary-breaking skills. Later he’ll be making a lightbulb glow using an orange.
Jason is using his previous experience as a plaster to ice his sponge. It needs a second coat, apparently, so he’s putting it in the fridge before giving it a final skim. SamCam was unfamiliar with fondant before last weekend, and is now being adventurous with it. Steady on.
Cakes are in the oven, in a selection of terrifying neon shades. Jason’s sponges look radioactive. One of David’s helmet cakes is ready, and SamCam’s blue cakes are a bit green. She’s cut a big hole in the middle and filled it with strawberries, presumably to represent all the crap that floats in the sea off Cornwall.
So only Jason is making an actual sporting trophy that exists in real life. If he doesn’t get Star Baker I’ll be most miffed.
SamCam is making a surf cake because of family holidays in Cornwall, also with a very tenuous trophy link. She’s getting a bit hysterical. David is making an American football trophy, make from three different sponges in the shape of a giant helmet. “That’s a big helmet”, says Mel. “He’s got a big head”, says Mary. Give these two their own show, I say.
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SamCam is making her cake without egg yolks so her blue sponge doesn’t go green. Meanwhile Maddy is making a cake yoga mat, having entirely ignored the trophy brief. Is competitive yoga a thing?
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“My plan today is to do something different from yesterday”, says David. A cake made out of Jamaican sausage rolls would be amazing, however.
Jason is making an actual-size Ashes trophy on a cricket pitch Battenburg. But will he make his own marzipan?
Day two, and time for the Showstopper Challenge! Our four celebrity contestants have to knock up a 3D cake in the shape of a sporting trophy of their choice. I don’t think the Strictly glitterball counts.
Maddy comes fourth, David comes third, SamCam comes second, and Jason gets first for the Technical Challenge.
Jason’s have a good rise and decent praline, the cream is well whipped and they have a nice flavour. SamCam’s are bit messy and the praline is overcooked. David’s choux is a bit soggy and they taste of ground almonds and no caramel. Maddy’s are flat and taste salty, “they taste really bad”, says Paul.
Maddy is covering her Paris Brests in sugar to try and counteract the ton of salt she put in earlier. Everyone is sprinkling madly to try and cover up the mess. SamCam and Jason’s look pretty good from where I’m sitting.
Time to make caramel. SamCam’s looks a bit overdone, and David’s could have done with a bit more time. The choux pastry is out of the oven, and they all look like squashed bagels. Hopefully they can bodge these together with the cream filling.
I don’t think this lot will be troubling your local patisserie any time soon.
Maddy makes another batch, in exactly the same way as the last batch. Surprisingly, the result is no different.
First, making choux pastry. Maddy has bunged in a load of salt, assuming that’s a pinch. SamCam is excited about being able to make choux pastry, because then she’ll be able to make chocolate eclairs.
David’s choux pastry looks like scrambled egg, whilst SamCam’s looks perfect. Maddy’s is like pancake batter, but Jason’s looks OK.
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Maddy wouldn’t know a Paris Brest if it hit her in the face, we learn. Has this been chosen purely for the comedy value of celebrities saying “brest”?
Tonight’s Technical Challenge is a classic French dessert, the Paris-Brest, which is essentially a choux pastry bicycle wheel filled with praline cream. I’ve never made one, but I’ve eaten one and it was bloody lovely.
Jason’s canapes are an excellent shape, says Mary, because “they have something to hold at the end while you pop them in your mouth”. Snort. Paul loves the flavour, and Jason has done a great job.
SamCam’s vol-au-vents are perfect, says Paul, who’s clearly after an OBE. David’s pastry hasn’t risen, and it’s a bit raw at the bottom. The flavours are subtle and good, however. Maddy’s pizzas have risen well, and her pastry is beautifully buttery.
David’s canapes are straight out of Greggs, Jason’s shouting at his scallops, Maddy is wanging herbs over her mini pizzas and decorating with crisps. Time’s up! What will the judges think?
David has indeed made massive sausage rolls, which are all different sizes, not sure why.
Half an hour left, and SamCam is having to bake her vol-au-vent cases by eye, because she couldn’t work the timer. There’s some cutting satire about the state of the nation in there, but honestly I can’t be bothered. It’s for charity and she seems like a good sport. David has over-filled his sausage rolls, and they appear to be oozing.
Meanwhile Jason is fretting about having nothing to present his canapes on. David suggests putting them in a bowl. “A BOWL of canapes?” squeals Jason. As catchphrases, go, it’s no “garlic bread”, is it?
Jason is slicing his black pudding, while SamCam is tossing her shrimps and crab. Behold the north/south divide.
Her husband is quite a good cook, we learn. So many pork jokes, so little time.
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SamCam is doing Cornish crab and shrimp curry vol-au-vents. “I go to quite a lot of functions” she says, which is probably understatement of the year.
“Passata is squished up tomatoes”, Maddy informs us. She’s making mini pizzas with Monster Munch on top, because canapes aren’t suitable for kids. Okaaaay then.
Jason is making man-canapes, or manapes (wahey). They involve scallops and black pudding, which sounds foul. David is putting jerk chicken, rice and peas in his canapes, which look quite big. He seems to be making Jamaican sausage rolls, which is fine by me.
Maddy used to be a canape waitress, and ate a lot of canapes. No information on whether she’s ever made a canape. David is mixing the butter with the flour to form floury butter. I love him already.
First up it’s the Signature Challenge – our contestants have to make 24 canapes using rough puff pastry. Made from scratch, not the packet stuff.
First up in the Bake Off tent are: comedian Jason Manford, Eastenders actress Maddy Hill, England goalkeeper from days of yore David James, and Samantha Cameron, who is apparently married to someone quite famous. No ham jokes please.
And we’re off! Mel’s in a pastel jacket outside the Bake Off tent, and Mary’s wearing a lovely parka.
How I’ve missed this theme tune.
Am killing time pre-Bake Off watching an old episode of Grand Designs set in my home town of Bath. Can’t watch Dickensian, I’m a couple of episodes behind so recording to watch this weekend. No comment box spoilers please.
Evening all, and welcome to The Great Sport Relief Bake Off liveblog! It’s a welcome ray of TV sunshine in the midst of a soggy-bottomed winter, so count me in with choux pastry bells on.
This year’s charity GBBO spin-off will be serving up a treat every Wednesday for the next four weeks, back in the Bake Off tent under the beady eyes of Paul and Mary. It’s a stellar line-up this year, including Samantha Cameron, Geri Halliwell, John Simpson, Will Young, Ade Edmondson and Victoria Coren Mitchell. What’s not to love?
I’ll be here for the next four weeks (not continuously, I’m not MAD), keeping an eye on every failed flan and bodged biscuit; feel free to join in with your wit and wisdom down below. It’s all for Sport Relief, so let’s keep things as light and fluffy as a freshly-baked ladyfinger.
Aprons on, and I’ll see you at 8.30!
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