THE IRON TULIP REVEALS HIS BIG BRASS NECK
The way The Fiver saw it, admittedly after a couple of jerrycans of Happy Suds …. OK, after several jerrycans of Happy Suds … , it was a wardrobe malfunction that involved neither breast nor todger but something altogether more revealing and horrid. When Wayne Rooney’s face went green at Old Trafford last night, it seemed obvious that his mask had torn and that here, at last, we were bearing witness to the Great Exposing of the blatant reptilian Illuminatus in our midst, a creature who, like the entities we know as David Cameron, Boris Johnson and James Richardson, had only risen to prominence because of his membership of the secret elite that stealthily keeps you down and The Fiver drunk.
But it turns out that Rooney’s face momentarily went green because someone in the crowd pointed a laser at him. So there goes our theory, dear readers, and next time we’ll make sure to drink less Happy Suds. Or more. We’ll get the balance right in the end. And so might Louis van Gaal, the so-called Iron Tulip who’s developing quite a brass neck as he continues to field Rooney as Manchester United’s first-choice striker despite the claims of the younger, more mobile and better Anthony Martial. Nothing against Rooney, you understand, he’s been a great player and seems a decent enough skin but his best days are behind him and the Fiver can only imagine what that must feel like.
Ahem.
So anyway, the FA is opening an inquiry. Not into what it must feel like to have your best days behind you – the sprightly young go-getters in the FA have no such worries at a stage in their lives when they are still full of youthful vigour and optimism and are convinced England will one day reclaim the World Cup and foreigners will pay strict heed to their ever-changing principles – but rather, into the laser attack. They’ll aim to find out who did it, why it was done and can the accuracy be taught or is it something innate? Because it made Rooney miss a crucial spotkick against Middlesbrough, the pride of Yorkshire, in a shootout in which two other England internationals, Michael Carrick and Ashley Young, also goofed. This is not entertainment as Van Gaal understands it and cannot be tolerated by the Dutchman, who apparently still cannot quite put his finger on the problem, no matter how much it is highlighted by others.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m not in a penal colony or a Siberian gulag” – Michel Platini reveals that a 90-day suspension by Fifa’s ethics committee isn’t quite as bleak as The Fiver hoped.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2
“My passion then after maybe went a little bit high … people who know me, they know that I’m not a good loser. In that moment I was really upset” – USA! USA!! USA!!! midfielder Jermaine Jones explains his rather irritated reaction to referee Mark Geiger’s decision not to award a late penalty as Jones’s New England Revolution crashed out of the MLS play-offs.
FIVER LETTERS
“Norrie Hernon’s assertion that Musa Bility’s brother Eligi is a far more suitable Fifa presidential candidate: surely their other brother, Culpa, would be more appropriate” – Daniel Solomons.
“Some time ago I had a letter printed here correcting The Fiver’s French. Now let me correct you in your use of my grandparent’s native Yiddish. Jürgen Klopp couldn’t have ‘schmoozed’ his opinion of Cameron Brannigan, since schmoozing is the ability to ingratiate oneself to people in conversation, so one person giving one opinion to the press doesn’t qualify. Had he said this while hanging out with Fiver’s lone friend at a pub, tossing back a pint, he would then, perhaps, have been schmoozing, but somehow I don’t think that was the case here. Though the photo accompanying the article is pretty ingratiating” – Mitch Abidor (and no others).
“Oh Fiver! You published my letter yesterday but gave me a completely different (and inaccurate) last name. These aren’t the standards of journalistic accuracy I’ve come to expect fr ... oh” – Geoff Martin (and no other Geoff Allens).
“Aaaargh! I’m not upset by the brickbats about my lack of financial nous (yesterday’s Fiver letters), but I must defend my reputation as a proficient Googler. See https://www.e-conomic.co.uk/accountingsystem/glossary/revenues. (Revenue is apparently synonymous with turnover, according to the ever-dependable Wikipedia.) OK – I should have said ‘bottom’ rather than ‘other side’. Oh, and please let Geoff Allen, no relation [and now not even a real person – Fiver Ed] know that we’re both wrong according to Big Paper’s Style Guide, which states without equivocation that it’s ‘whiz, whiz-kid not whizz or wiz’. (Meanwhile, the OED takes an entirely contrary view)” – Steve Allen.
“Go on then, let’s out-pedant the pedant: the usual interval between entrants in the Royal Rumble match is actually 90 seconds, rather than two minutes (yesterday’s Fiver letters). The 1995 Rumble even featured one minute intervals so Shawn Michaels and British Bulldog could go the full distance after entering at #1 and #2. The last Rumble to feature two-minute intervals was in 2002” – Steven Chicken.
“Far be it from me to question the intelligence of the wonderful Guardian picture editors, but surely the answer to ‘how to fit seven pictures into a rectangular template’ is ‘In a row’” – Sam Carpenter.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Mitch Abidor.
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BITS AND BOBS
More good news for Chelsea. Former team doctor Eva Carneiro plans to claim for constructive dismissal against the club.
Arsenal have confirmed that Theo Walcott and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain will be out for three weeks apiece with calf-ouch and hamstring-twang respectively.
The head of England’s 2018 World Cup bid reckons the FA should ask for its money back in light of this week’s revelations from Uncle Sepp. “It’s an absolute scandal,” fumed Simon Johnson. “I no longer work for the FA but I personally think they should bring an action to recover the costs of a bidding process which was neither fair nor transparent and we’ve now discovered was rigged.”
Ryan Shawcross made a winning return for Ailsa from Home and Away’s Stoke side this week in the Milk Cup game against Chelsea and this makes him happy. “It’s just great to be back after such a long time out,” cheered the defender, who underwent surgery on lower-spine-knack in the summer. “It’s been a frustrating time so it feels nice to be back out there on the pitch.”
Barcelona’s Javier Mascherano has admitted two counts of tax-knack totalling £1.1m. “Mascherano admitted the facts of the two counts of tax fraud, so there was no need to interrogate him,” said a disappointed court clerk.
Newcastle’s Mike Williamson has joined Wolves on loan. “You never know in football what’s around the corner,” he said, edging nervously along the street.
And Paul Pogba’s Mr15% says his player could be off to Barcelona for €100m. “We’ll see what Barça’s project is, and what Paul’s project is,” oozed Mino Raiola. “All doors are open to all clubs.”
STILL WANT MORE?
POW! It’s KERSPLAT! a brief history of OOF! Chelsea’s rivalry with ZLONK! Liverpool, by Scott CLANK! Murray.
Mixu Paatelainen chilling out and Saliou Ciss doing the exact opposite … it’s this week’s Classic YouTube.
Orlando: it’s not just DisneyWorld, the Florida Citrus Tower and the birthplace of Wesley Snipes – it’s also home to the newest NWSL franchise. And they mean business, writes Caitlin Murray.
Paul Wilson offers his view on the World Paint-Drying Championships Premier League season so far.
Teenage goalkeeper and mid-70s queen of disco Gianluigi Donnarumma has made a big impression at Milan … and not just because he’s 6ft 5in, writes Paolo Bandini.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
