Thanks for coming, all of you. I’ll dive south into the comments now because I literally haven’t stopped for breath or even any cake. Who really wants cake now? I massively want and need cake. There’s only one thing for it now the shops are shut. I’m going to have to bake one.
Good night and thanks so much for coming! And don’t forget to donate.
Now don’t forget what this has all been for. If you text BAKE to 70005 you can donate a fiver to this excellent cause and then we won’t have just spent the last hour sneering at other people’s cooking. Go on.
Mary says the younger bucks suffered from poor timing. They don’t have Wood’s years of experience or her IMMENSE talent.
I am standing and applauding. As IF anyone else stood a chance with her in the tent. She is modesty on legs and everyone is pleased for her.
And now the winner is...VICTORIA WOOD THE ONE TRUE WINNER.
Ed nods and smiles with the reverence you’d expect from him but not from Mel and Sue. I love him but I wish the girls were here. It’s not the same without them.
And now for Wood (winner). They say all the right things about moisture and taste but has she done enough to pull it back from Chung? I think she has. (And if they don’t let her win I will hunt them down.)
Both judges wrinkle their noses and she bursts out laughing. I think Chung has choked at the final hurdle. Moyles is ridiculously confident as his dismembered head sits there, looking not unlike something Elizabeth I might have shoved on a spike at the Tower of London. The judges say the flavour is not a disaster. He might even come third!
Hollywood and Berry say Cake-jacker is “not unpleasant” but it’s way too oily and a “bit bland”. He’s out of the running. Discount Novak.
Chung fears a soggy bottom. Let’s see if she’s right.
Chung is really painting her lovely face on some icing. It is beautiful, just like her. Moyles’ mad, boggly-eyed face is frightening but in a good way. Wood’s Kimberley’s Friend is perfectly bashful. Novak’s Phonejacker is pretty impressive.
Wood wields her sheet of pink icing with her customary modesty. It’s magnificent, as Mr Kenneth used to say in Acorn Antiques. Jon, did I get THAT quote right? God.
Wood is sensibly covering a multitude of sins with buttercream like the baking equivalent of Gok Wan. Has he done this show? He’s make a massive cake and then stick a tight belt around the middle at the last minute and declare is BANGING.
Chung has now become a victim of her own success and decides to invent “candied courgettes”. This is basically the story of Icarus in sponge.
Chung thinks her cake looks burnt. Novak says, “This could be the end for me,” in a way that suggests he doesn’t believe this at all. Moyles crosses everything as he turns his actually perfectly formed skull cake onto the cooling wrack. It’s a bit Damian Hurst. Is he going to encrust it with hundreds of tiny diamonds?
My “friend” Jon has just texted me to tell me I’m getting all my Wood quotes wrong. After this blog I’m going to throw myself off the top of a meat and potato pie.
I think that’s how I’d like to die.
Everyone starts loading their tins with gloopy cake mix. I always just want to eat cake mix raw. Always. If I ever made it to the Bake Off tent, they’d find me behind a Smeg, shovelling cake mix into my mouth and laughing like a mad woman.
Moyles is making a skull cake. To me this says that he’s surrounded by baked goods but he can’t eat them thanks to his svelt new shape so he feels like a skellington, devoid of nourishment. That’s quite deep actually.
Kimberley, if you’re going t’shops can you get us a raspberry yoghurt? If they haven’t got a raspberry yoghurt, can you get us a meat and potato pie?
Wood is making a vanilla and beetroot cake with lemon and the face will be Kimberley’s Friend. MY FAVOURITE. (I do not have a favourite.) Have you seen my friend Kimberley? She’s reet tall with bits of ceiling in her hair. I will now quote this sketch for the rest of the episode. So happy.
Chung’s cake is courgette-based and she’s going to paint her face on top on a disc of fondant. Novak is grating carrots and still manages to look like Jimmy Stewart or something. Not satisfied with a normal carrot cake, he’s adding coconut and the face he’s using is his woolly balaclava Phonejacker mask. That’s basically cheating. He should be forced to make his incredibly handsome face in just carrots.
Lastly they must make a self-portrait cake including vegetables. It’s the show-stopper so we’re not talking about holding back now. They must go for broke. NO. Wood is talking like she’s already lost and says her confidence has gone. Are you happy now, Chung? Do you SEE what you’ve done to the unofficial queen of England? Well, I hope you’re happy when you sit alone at night with your trophy, knowing it’s your fault that Victoria Wood is a bit put out.
And we’re back in the tent. The judges are singling out Chung for special merit. Oh how predictable. It’s now a straight race between the naturally talented ingenue and the actually wonderful Victoria Wood who must win. If there’s any justice. “Chris will keep the humour going for Comic Relief,” says Mary. Damning Moyles with the faintest of praise.
And now for the charity bit - the reason why they’re all making such tits of themselves. Hollywood shows his human side here and talks about his own military-based family members. Good on you, Paul.
Chung is starting to enjoy herself now she’s winning. Wood is resolute and shows the Blitz spirit, Novak ploughs on regardless and Moyles apologises to his mother. About time too, Moyles. She must be beside herself with worry at your twiggy appearance.
Whose crumpets do you favour? I like Wood’s. What do you MEAN you knew I’d say that. I do not have a favourite. I’m completely impartial. I cannot BELIEVE they’ve placed her third. I’m writing to the BBC as we speak.
And now they perch on the uncomfortably too-high stools as Berry and Hollywood prowl the line and start disparaging. “Too hot” and “a little bit doughy” they scowl. Kayvan’s certainly look the part but he’s only managed nine. I like the way they both keep saying “compote”. COMPOTE. It’s a satisfying exclamation. Mary squeezes Chung’s and admires their spring. “More of a jam than a compote,” scoffs Hollywood. There is literally NO pleasing him.
Actually I do like them because they can absorb SO much butter. It’s like dipping a bath sponge in melted butter and sucking. The crumpets I can see being eased out of griddle pans are a mixed bag but I hate to say Chung seems to have accidentally aced it again. If she wins I will FUME.
The bakers must now griddle their crumpets. They have to heat them slowly in the ring moulds so that the bubbles surge up through the mixture to create that slightly unpleasant aerated texture we all pretend to like when someone offers us one.
They are half way through the tech challenge and Wood is ahead as usual. She’s added the complicated science ingredients and is testing the mixture for a dropping consistency. Chung thinks this “dropping” is something you do on a dance floor. Tut, typical of the young.
Moyles uses his teeth to pit strawberries. This will surely get him a yellow card. Either he ceases this practice or he labels the resulting bakes - Moyles’s Spittle Crumpets. Urgh.
Wood, ever the helpful auntie of us all, nudges the others towards their proving drawers. Literally none of them had realised there was such a thing. Seriously, have they never SEEN Bake Off before? She is too good to them.
So crumpets ARE those things that seem to be edible sea sponges that eat jam. They do! You spread on the jam while they’re hot, look away and all the jam has disappeared when you look back.
Chung says she is literally not strong enough to beat the batter for the crumpets. She and Moyles should probably wear surgical wrist supports so as not to snap themselves while whisking.
Moyles says, “You can buy crumpets in a shop” and the whole production grinds to a halt as everyone realises he’s right. You CAN buy cakes in a shop. What the HELL have they been doing all this time? I bet Berry and Hollywood feel pretty stupid now.
Technical challenge
The technical challenge is next. Paul and Mary get lost so that Ed can fill them in. They must make crumpets. Are we talking those things with lots of holes like the baking equivalent of Airtex? Or are we talking muffin-type things? What IS a crumpet?
Hollywood is knocked sideways by the heavy use of cardamom in Novak’s quince jam. It’s too strong. He also dares to say a slightly negative thing about Wood’s perfect offerings. He backtracks quickly and she politely allows it like the GODDESS she is. Moyles has baked “a mess”. It’s official. He really tried. Chung has accidentally given her brownies a “nice crust” and they also taste “really good”. Unbelievable. The utterly inexperienced, and self-proclaimed disaster Alexa Chung has aced it. This is like Ruby Tandoh all over again. “Oh, don’t eat my cake. It’s rubbish,” she’d simper as the judges died of taste-based heart attacks.
Chris’s happy countenance has now changed to full-on mad Inspector Dreyfus cackling. Do not shoot your own nose off, Chris. It’s going to be all right.
Chung goes one further and just keeps repeating the phrase “really bad”. Either youth culture has come full circle and bad means good again or she is not at all happy with her tray bake.
Time is up!
Now comes the difficult “turning out” bit which is where my beautiful cakes always go from “potentially amazing” to “big pile of crummy lumps on a bread board”. Everyone is now panicking with five minutes to go and their results range from “ooh quite good” to “big pile of crummy lumps”.
Moyles appears to be helping Wood by pointing out that her timer is beeping. Just keep and eye on your own brownies, DJ. Never question Wood. Novak is similarly convinced his is done. Moyles sticks a skewer in his instinctively and then pretends he hasn’t done that a thousand times before. Despite his obvious weight-loss, I put it you that he’s been secretly practising and then presumably not eating the results because LOOK at him. He’s no more than a twig.
Moyles keeps smiling but who knows what is going on behind that apparently confident grin. The bakes are finally going in the oven but will any of them have enough time to cool the things down? It sounds like they definitely won’t. Except Victoria Wood the eventual winner. (I just want her to be my friend. I just know we would get along SO well. Two soups, Victoria! Two soups!)
Updated
Alexa’s dragging her very on-trend heels and the judges are giving her the kindly head-tilt that always prefigures their utter extermination of a contestant. I hope she is strong enough to take it.
Victoria Wood’s delicious looking tray bake is all about mixing mascarpone cheese with her 100% full fat talent. She can’t lose. If she loses, it’s a fix.
Moyles is attempting chocolate and almonds. Sounds easy but he’s fretting over lumps as Mary and Paul scrutinise him mercilessly. Hollywood offers him a sarky “good luck” and he responds in kind.
Alexa, ever the fashion forward young person, is using flavour of the moment, salted caramel. Kayvan sticks his finger in for a taste and she lets him. Outrageous behaviour. Have they forgotten where they are?
Kayvan’s giving his a Persian flavour and adding quinoa flour, quince jam and pistachio. If you ever want a job at the Guardian, Kayvan, you’d be a shoe-in. He is also turning on the charm with Mary and using her name a lot. He’s not quite so flirty with Paul but basically everyone in the room is already a bit swoony in his presence.
Wood the Wonderful (and obvious winner) is doing something with coconut. I love coconut. I love Victoria Wood. I bet her’s will be the best.
Paul Hollywood says it’s all about allowing enough time for the tray bake to cool so they can ice it without the icing running all over the shop because the cakey bit is too hot still. Science there.
Moyles is already mucking about like you knew he would. Law unto himself, that one.
Signature bake
They must first make a tray bake and cut it into 12 identical pieces. No limitations on what kind of tray bake. Could be a shoe tray bake if they like. Alexa would probably manage this.
Updated
As soon as I see the bunting and the meringuey peaks of that famous tent, a sense of calm descends upon me. Which is more than you can say for the contestants.
Alexa Chung keeps her shoes in her oven. She is going to be utter rubbish at cakes. Kayvan Novak has huge confidence in himself and zero experience. Chris Moyles reckons it’ll be a doddle but looks scared and modest, wonderful Victoria (I do NOT have a favourite, no) is going to win.
It begins...
Ed Byrne is on presenting duties for this evening only. Although I shall miss the excellent Mel and Sue, I’m sure he’ll chivvy things along with a few gags. If I were a comedian and I was presenting a show with Victoria Wood nearby I’d just make embarrassed burbling noises and start dribbling. Then cry. She is literally the best, funniest woman on British television. Good luck, Byrne.
Updated
Aprons on, wipe down your surfaces and do some preparatory squats to ready your glutes for the inevitable oven-crouching. Wood, Novak, Chung and Moyles are entering the tent. In a minute. After the news.
Hello all, and thanks for testing the comments section for me down there. *waves* Are we all ready for the celebrity flour-flinging to commence? I really wish I’d bought/made some cake to eat now. Bad planning on my part. Does anyone else have cake?
I’ve got a red nose but that’s because I went out last night. I’m very sorry. If this is the kind of lazy comic riffing you abhor, I’d go now. Save yourself the raised blood pressure.
How about those two Poldarks on The One Show eh? Fascinating to hear that Old Poldark has written a diabetic cook book and young Poldark is actually Irish. Going anywhere nice on your holidays?
Join me here tonight for the last of the Great Comic Relief Bake Offs because this one’s bound to be a corker. Comedy goddess Victoria Wood will be back on TV which is reason enough to celebrate on its own. But she’ll also be joined by presenter/model/author Alexa Chung, writer/actor Kayvan Novak and DJ/evil king of Judea Chris Moyles. (It’s not just MPs with second jobs nowadays, is it?)
This brave/foolish quartet will be attempting things with sponge we can only dream of while upping their profiles and raising cash for Comic Relief. Join me, squatting by my laptop and watching it very closely lest this liveblog over-prove (this doesn’t work at all), at 7.45pm.
