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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Entertainment
Scott Bryan and Michael Chakraverty

The Great Celebrity Bake Off 2021: episode four – as it happened

KSI and Jade Thirlwall in the Bake Off tent.
KSI and Jade Thirlwall in the Bake Off tent. Photograph: Mark Bourdillon 07831605033/Mark Bourdillon

What an episode. See you next week.

Thrilled for Jade, and still chortling about KSI’s disaster. What an episode.

Next week we have TV presenter Anneka Rice, comedian (and soon to be Doctor Who companion) John Bishop, presenter Ade Adepitan and the ICONIC Nadine Coyle, who famously loves “behhhking wi’ floyurrr”

Petition for a Celebrity Bake Off special with James Acaster, Nick Hewer, KSI and the cast of Derry Girls.

“They all came up with acceptable showstoppers”, says Prue. Truly aspirational.

Jade is the Star Baker

*Little Mix Twitter goes into overdrive causing my laptop to overheat and nearly crash*

LOL at Paul now trying to explain why he gave KSI a handshake, as if he needs to explain himself. It’s a light entertainment show Paul. This isn’t a Parliamentary Select Committee hearing.

Who do we think has won? It has to be Jade, surely.

Presented without comment.

Now there’s an idea. What is our ideal celeb Bake Off cast? Surely James Acaster gets a look-in.

To be clear, previous handshakes still apply right? Right?

KSI has now received a Hollywood Handshake *cackles and throws all Hollywood Handshakes graphs into an open fire*

Moving on quickly to … whatever this is, by KSI.

She’s having a Pruegasm!

“I’m going to eat your knickers” says Prue, wiggling her eyebrows. Gonna have nightmares about that. Was she having a … no, I can’t say the word.

I love how Paul Hollywood compliments Jade’s Showstopper and then immediately follows up with: “Did you drop it?”

Stacey has presented a horrifyingly beige, bald and flat Gloria Estefan alongside a ramekin coated in raw dough. Not sure she’s in line for star baker.

I like that she called him Mr Hollywood. That really tickled me.

It’s the Showstopper judging.

Starting with Katherine Ryan’s doggy dozen, including a dog with glasses on.

I don’t we’ve still recovered from this, if I’m being honest.

Shall we manifest this? Maybe she can drag him around like Anton and Ann Widdecombe.

I’m just having a wonderful time watching this, honestly.

I have to say these are some of the worst showstoppers I think we’ve ever seen. It’s like a group of blindfolded nursery children were let loose in a kitchen. Probably a relatable level of skill on show, hey Scott?

I didn’t know that there were three different types of meringue. It’s this level of baking knowledge and sophistication you can expect in The Guardian’s Bake Off liveblog.

Remembering the difference between French, Swiss and Italian meringue is difficult. I initially tried to learn them by remembering which country had mountainous peaks, which didn’t work for obvious reasons.

Jade was NOT being led down that particular garden path, was she?

Completely normal Bake Off sentence: “Would you eat one of your fans?”

Well, it looks like there won’t be a stage for them to perform on at the moment.

Oh, Jade’s baking four members of Little Mix, isn’t she. This was clearly filmed before the worst moment of 2020, when Jesy left the band *heart breaks*

Who cooks a pizza for forty minutes? Pizza Express pizzas are 15 minutes at 180. I’m not ashamed that I know that by heart.

Apparently Jade’s baking her biscuits for “at least 40 minutes”. That’s longer than you cook a pizza for?!

KSI’s made “a very curvy, sultry bear”. Give him my details please.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve seen every Little Mix tour and have been front row at many of them. I can’t wait to see myself represented in this biscuit scene.

Omg Jade is going to bake a Little Little Mix concert.

Of COURSE Paul’s favourite dance is the tango (the most sexual, angry dance I know of). Can you imagine Oti dragging him around on Strictly? *Adds to list of things I must see*

A third of this episode has consisted of KSI punching his bake.

Elsewhere, Matt’s asking Katherine what the weirdest thing she’s ever eaten is. “You don’t want to know”, she deadpans.

“Biscuits are my favourite dessert, really”, says Jade. I happen to know that she is a member of the extremely exclusive McVitie’s Biscuit Club - which comes with an emergency biscuit hotline number and a very fetching gold-plated digestive.

Colour me very jealous. And hungry.

KSI is making his bedroom as a Showstopper, complete with “bed, TV, chair, desk.” Or as Trump would say it: “person, woman, man, camera, TV.”

Stacey’s off to a flying start, having changed the language on her oven while turning it on. Things are going just as smoothly with KSI, who softly moans “Oh no” as the judges approach his bench. I wonder which way up he’ll present his Showstopper.

I feel seen

At least it’s three-dimensional though. We haven’t seen that in a while ...

On to the Showstopper ...

… which is a 3D biscuit and meringue scene, representing something you can’t live without. A clear example of throwing a dart at a list of bakes, structures and themes.

KEEP AWAY FROM MAGNETS.

In case anyone wants to relive one of the most iconic disasters in Bake Off history.

Remember that the celebrities are baking to raise money for Stand Up To Cancer. For info and how to donate, click here.

And another Bake Off first: a baker not owning up to what bake was theirs at the end of the technical.

Hilarious that Paul and Prue are deciding not which bakes are the best – but debating which ones are the least worst.

Now *gulp* KSI’s.

“Darling, it’s horrible”, says Prue with a mouthful of custard and all the condescension of a weary grandmother.

Stacey’s made lovely pastry but her custard is like polyfiller. Jade’s is neat but her bottom is “soaked”. My oh my.

It’s the pancake judging.

OMG – THE PANNING OF THE CAMERA between the pies and the fact that KSI placed his pie next to Jade’s photo. Two Bake Off firsts.

KSI’s is one of the worst technical challenge bakes ever. And this is the celebrity series. I am not saying this lightly.

“JJ, you’re a genius”, cries Stacey obliviously from across the tent. “My pleasure”, replies KSI, alternating between hysterics and holding his head in his hands.

KSI has made a bleeding pancake, Stacey’s tart is bendy, and the other two seem to have succeeded (it’s all relative).

So you don’t flip a pie upside down and let it leak all over your cake stand?

This is iconic

OH MY GOD. KSI flipped his open-topped pie upside down on to the stand like a cake, and then stared at it for the longest ten seconds I’ve ever experienced.

This is like when Jonathan Ross accidentally put a cake on the grill setting.

Why is Katherine frying her custard?

Matt Lucas’ narration: “whilst all the bakers struggle to thicken their custard.”

Oh, KSI. No sentence spoken by a contestant in a technical challenge should begin with “Instead of doing what the recipe wants me to do …”. Kommon Sense Important.

Now I know why they seemed so familiar.

KSI seems confused by the measurements. 25cm is 9 inches, if that helps. Don’t ask how I know.

I do love how KSI is actually trying, though. Other YouTubers would have been tempted to have done deliberately badly just for the #content.

Considering last week they were given two of the four baked elements, this challenge feels tough.

Is it me or did they accidentally swap the challenges from a regular week of Bake Off with the Celebrity ones? Fearing them having to use the infamous fire pit in the Showstopper at this rate.

“Does anyone know what a lattice pie is?” asks Jade. “Lattice is when you want to burgle your ex and he might have a basket weaving wood and you climb that. That’s lattice,” responds an oddly specific Katherine.

On to the technical ...

Hello, daddy, hello, mum, I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry lattice pie with custard!

I don’t know why I keep posting Drag Race memes this week, but here’s how it stands after the first challenge.

To be honest I would have just been tempted to have gone to the shops and have done a last minute swap.

Jade is the only one to have made some recognisably fancy fondants – though in an excruciating moment she thought she might be getting a handshake. If only she’d made a dense pumpkin cake.

“Wet?” asks Matt (the actress). “Soaking.” replies Stacey (the bishop).

“Messy but delicious,” says Prue. Sums me up well.

“It’s just drinking the icing”, complains Stacey. She’s clearly seen me at the end of a day’s baking.

Update after they tried KSI’s: No.

It’s the signature judging.

Will the judges find the fondants fancy?

*saves meme to phone*

Kafkaesque Sponge Icing, if you will. (I won’t)

KSI’s icing has seeped in to his sponges. It looks like someone’s had a violent nosebleed over a tray of sandwiches.

How dare you.

A very Scott response to a challenge.

She’s also thrilled by her hard nipples. I need a lie down.

“I have just fingered my cake” says Jade. This is not out of context.

Another Hunger Games tune from Jade, holding a fondant fancy aloft much in the same way Katniss Everdeen volunteered as tribute. Strikingly similar stakes.

KSI is taking something out of the oven with his bare hands. Yet again, no idea whether he did that as a joke.

Matt’s attempt at a Northern accent there was … something. If you want proper (read: unintelligible) Northern, look no further:

Yes, you heard that right. Jade DOES, in fact, own a cocktail bar in South Shields. I’m not saying that’s the reason I moved to the North East, but I’m not not saying that either.

Meanwhile, KSI is reading instructions that say he has to “beat the butter until smooth”. Cue KSI literally punching the contents of his mixing bowl - and no, I have no idea whether that was a joke or whether he thought he had to do that

Paul: “So did you practice this?” Katherine: “I had some espresso martinis.”

Katherine Ryan just said that making her bake gluten-free is not a lifestyle choice, or – in her words – she’s not made it in a “Gwyneth Paltrow crystals-in-the-armpits type of way.”

“You’re not going to be Star Baker with a mess in front of Paul”, claims Prue. No, but you might get a handshake. Grumble grumble.

I have no idea who or what a KSI is. Let’s play an acronym game - I’ll start: Knackered Sexy Ibis.

The celebrity challenges involving alcohol are always the best ones. Last year, Carol Vorderman filled a cake bath full of champagne that you had to collectively drink out of with straws like you do in a nightclub.

Katherine Ryan is making her morning cuppa: an espresso martini. Perfect for the school run.

Me every time Paul gives a handshake for a sub-par bake (which is every week)

The Signature! A batch of nine identical fondant fancies inspired by your favourite cocktail

Why does this challenge idea feel like the result of one of those memes when you pick a letter of your first name, a letter from your surname and the month you were born?

I never thought sleeveless housecoats would become such a staple of the Bake Off Tent - Prue must have one in every colour. Paul seems to have inadvertently dressed like Justin Timberlake at the 2001 American Music Awards.

The way that Katherine Ryan entered the tent made me think that she was going to do this iconic Drag Race ruveal at any moment.

Jade trills the theme to The Hunger Games as they approach their benches. Seems apt, the way my tummy is rumbling.

Going to be shouting “This is MY house!” whenever Stacey Dooley comes up on screen. If you know, you know.

Can you imagine if any of the people Matt just listed were actually on the show? I’d love to see Kim Kardashian make a recent dream out of jelly and custard.

Personally, I’m hoping for a bit more chaos. More giant toilets and communist cats, than Hollywood handshakes for dense cakes (still bitter about that).

Hello and welcome to week four of the Celebrity Bake Off liveblog.

Last week the baking was at such a high standard it was as if we were watching the actual semi-finals of the main series (after all the fun people with ties and waistcoats have left). Tonight looks that little bit more anarchic. We’ve got Little Mix’s Jade Thirlwall, JJ Olatunji (or KSI as he’s affectionately known – he’s a YouTuber), comedian Katherine Ryan, and Stacey Dooley.

To donate, just head to the Stand Up To Cancer website (Michael and I are donating part of our fee to SU2C too.)

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