So that’s it for Bread Week! Next week it’s desserts, so bring a small cloth to deal with any custard-related salivation. I’ll be back here from 8pm to keep an eye on things, but in the meantime you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens. Thank you as ever for joining in, you are brilliant and hilarious. See you next week! Hx
Ooh, a special commendation for Paul, for the most magnificent bread sculpture. This week’s Star Baker is once again IAN, and going home is DORRET! It’s the right decision – not practising your showstopper is not great, to be honest.
So who is this week’s Star Baker, and who is going home? I’m guessing Paul for Star Baker, just for that extraordinary lion sculpture. Not predicting who’s going as I already know. We’ve come this far, let’s see it through to the end.
What an incredible Showstopper, one of the best we’ve ever had.
Can’t wait to see what the judges made of this lot. Paul declares Tamal’s bike to be spectacular. Sandy’s basket of poppies looks a bit clumsy, but Paul loves the pesto grissini. Alvin’s cornucopia is just a massive pile of bread, and his plaited loaf is beautiful, but he’s made a lot more bread than was required. Paul doesn’t like Ugne’s truffle oil, but the bakes are good. Ian’s vase is magnificent, and the bread tastes great. Flora’s bread dress is delicate and beautiful, and the pesto tastes amazing. Nadiya’s snake charmer basket gets another thumbs up, and her snake looks brilliant. Paul’s lion is declared “one of the best things I’ve seen in bread, ever” by Paul H, which is high praise indeed.
Poor Mat has to follow the lion with a Brighton Pavilion that looks like a row of toadstools, and his bread is underproved and underbaked. Dorret’s looks untidy, and Paul doesn’t think it’s five hours work. Tastes good, however, although her mattress is raw in the middle.
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Ian’s flower vase looks incredible. Dorret’s skanky bed, less so. OMG Paul’s lion!
These all look amazing. Alvin’s made enough bread to feed the entire county. Mat’s dropped his loaves, but deploys the 3-second rule. Only 15 minutes left!
Paul’s lion looks incredible going into the oven, whilst Alvin’s cornucopia is enormous. Ian has made a metal mould for his bake, but Sandy has gone low-tech with some scrumpled tinfoil. Mat needs a bigger oven, and Flora’s struggling to get her corset out of the mould. Same for Ugne, it’s all getting a bit tense.
Ugne is making an Easter basket. Paul’s not looking forward to the truffle oil, but she’s sticking to her guns. Don’t argue with Ugne’s guns, Paul.
“I’ve got dough everywhere! DOUGHVERLOAD!” Declares Mat. Doughverkill, mate. You’ve doughveregged your comedy pudding. Meanwhile Nadiya is giving her dough a deep tissue massage, and Paul is worrying about leaving his lion too long, because it will go out of shape. It’s the circle of life, Paul.
Dorret hasn’t practised this bake, so it’s “theoretical”, which is another word for “doooooom”. Her bake is based on Tracy Emin’s Unmade Bed, with a bread headboard, a marzipan mattress and a duvet made of worn knickers, gin bottles, fag ends and some unidentified stains, probably. Mmm, yummy.
“Have you ever made this before?” asks Mary. “I’ve made lots of beds”, replies Dorret, evasively. We’ll never know the true depth of Mary’s killer death stare, but I’m guessing it had lasers.
Sandy’s sculpture is inspired by the Tower of London poppies, while Flora is making a skirt and corset out of bread, whilst Ian is making a vase of flowers. I love this challenge, I hope they’re all fabulous.
Paul is making a lion sculpture, which looks very impressive on paper. It needs to look like a lion, rather than a dog, says Paul, helpfully. Mat is making the Brighton Pavilion out of curry flavoured bread. Nadiya is making a snake charmer’s basket. Previously her snakes have exploded in the oven.
Tamal is making a bread bicycle from three different breads. There is chai and fennel in there, which sounds horrible. Alvin is making a cornucopia, which is the horn of plenty kind rather than some kind of Hunger Games tribute.
It’s Showstopper time! This week’s task is a 3D bread sculpture - they have five hours to make it. It’s one of the trickiest challenges we’ve ever had, says Paul.
In line for Star Baker this week - Flora, Alvin and Ian. Nadiya, Dorret and Mat are all in the danger zone.
Historical interlude, everyone. Ukranian wedding loaf, with extra singing. All quite interesting.
Paul comes bottom of the class. Tamal gets third, Flora gets second, and Ian’s are the winner.
Time’s up! Appearance-wise, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. Ian’s are crispy and have good structure. Flora’s a bit underproved, but good flavour. Alvin’s made ciabatta, and Dorret’s are underproved and not a consistent size. Mat’s are also underproved, and the colour isn’t great. Tamal’s are underbaked, as are Ugne’s. Nadiya’s are soft, Sandy’s are ugly, Paul’s are barely baked. GOOD WORK EVERYONE.
Everyone is slashing their baguette in a French fashion, apart from Paul who is making him look like something from Subway. A few of the bakers put water in for the steam, but not all. “I’m doing what my wife says - leaving it in for an extra ten minutes”, says Mat. Wahaaaay, Bake Off banter.
Tamal’s heart is beating, which is reassuring. So is mine, every time I look at Tamal.
Everyone’s dough has risen to different levels, apart from Alvin’s, which is the size of his head. They divide into four to make baguettes.
Flora is pinching her baguette bottoms into seams, which is the same Richard Bertinet method I use. Go Flora, we have the same baguette master. They nestle their baguettes into little couches, which are little linen beds for sleepy baguettes, and it’s time to do a second prove.
Nobody knows where to prove their bread. At room temperature? In the oven? Or in the PROVING DRAWER THAT HAS A GIVEAWAY NAME? Ugne never uses a proving drawer or oven at home, preferring to tuck it into her sports bra while she wrestles an angry bear.
They also don’t know how long to prove it for, because the recipe doesn’t say. Sandy sits on the counter, swinging her sparkly ballet pumps, whilst Nadiya sips her tea pensively. The many facial expressions of Nadiya is rapidly becoming my favourite Bake Off thing.
Ugne’s struggling with the sticky dough. Mat isn’t sure his is sticky enough, but he hasn’t put all the water in. Is he this indecisive in the event of fire?
Paul is looking for good proving, and a lovely crust. This requires steam in the oven, which he hasn’t mentioned in the recipe. Paul is back to being mean, phew.
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On to the technical! It’s time to make baguettes. Ooh, I’ve made these. I did a course and everything. Flora has also made them before, and Nadiya definitely knows what they look like.
Time’s up! They all look delicious, but what do I know? Alvin’s gets a thumbs up from Paul and Mary - a thing of beauty, says Paul. “Now I’m into it, I want more”, says Mary, the minx. Ian’s wild garlic bread is beautiful. Dorret’s stilton needs to be more intense, but Nadiya’s bread has good flavours. Mat’s Mexican bread is too bready, it needs to crumble more. Tamal’s goat’s cheese bread gets a “gorgeous” from Paul. Sandy’s dough was too wet, not helped by the bacon fat, but the flavour is lovely. Flora’s hazelnut bread is bang on, and Ugne’s chocolate bread reeks of baking powder, but is baked beautifully and tastes lovely. Paul’s cranberry and orange bread is excellent, and earns Paul a handshake. Funsponge Paul is being really nice this evening, finding it all a bit unsettling.
Apparently quick bread takes an hour to cook. Not VERY quick, is it? I can be in the Morrisons bread aisle in 6 minutes.
Turns out cutting a quick bread is fraught with peril, who knew? Sandy isn’t very competitive, we learn - she once waiting for a friend during a school 800m race. Her soda bread includes bacon and onion, which is the best shortcut to a bacon sandwich I’ve ever seen. Sandy can cook for me any day.
Ian is making a light soda bread with wild garlic pesto. He’s bought his own hand-picked wild garlic, because he is the poshest man in baking.
Paul H is grilling Other Paul on his flour/buttermilk ratio - his bread includes cranberry and orange, and he now looks terrified. Ugne is making her quick bread with chocolate and salted caramel, which is basically a cake.
Tamal is making his bread with big chunks of goat’s cheese, with figs and walnuts. It’s rustic and hearty, apparently. Alvin’s has proscuitto and manchego cheese, in an Italian/Spanish fusion that sounds rather lovely.
Nadiya is also making spicy Mexican bread, using many of the same flavours she uses to make a curry. They’re making the same bread, basically.
Meanwhile Dorret is making Waldorf salad-inspired soda bread, which will include walnuts, sultanas and stilton. Anyone else dry heaving right now?
Flora is making her bread with rye flour, figs and hazelnuts. Sounds quite hard work. Mat’s soda bread will contain smoked salt and Mexican cheddar, which is a posh way of saying “I’m making cheesy bread”. Round of applause to Sue for dragging the Mexican carpet fitter gag out of the old jokes’ home.
Paul is wanging on about bicarb and baking powder. Something something chemical reaction whatever.
There’s quite a lot of Mel & Sue sideshow action this week, can we move on? Right, let’s get baking. This week’s Signature Challenge is quick bread, i.e. the kind that doesn’t include yeast and tastes like a massive scone. They have a hour and a half.
And we’re off! Previously on Bake Off, biscuits week. A biscotti Signature, a Technical involving some rubbish-looking cinnamon whirls, and some Showstopping biscuit boxes. Ian took Star Baker, and despite Alvin’s box being presented as a flat pack, Marie was last week’s evictee. I quite liked Marie, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
I’ve been reminded on Twitter this week that I’ve yet to revive Bake Off Bingo, which I’d entirely forgotten we ever did. So here are this week’s contenders – munch on a crusty bap for any occurrence of the following:
• Unconventional kneading techniques
• Use of seeds that serve no purpose other than clagging up your molars
• Someone boring on about the history of their sourdough starter
• Microwave proving
Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Bake Off liveblog! It’s Bread Week, which is usually an opportunity for Funsponge Paul to declare everything to be raw, overproved, underbaked or somehow not bready enough to please him.
Meanwhile Mary dropped a massive eviction spoiler during a radio interview this morning, which is clearly my punishment for being daft enough to think Chris Evans on Radio 2 might enhance my commute. So I know who’s going home, but will keep things spoiler-free for those who don’t.
After last week’s biscuit bonanza, tonight’s challenges include some bread, some more bread and some showstopping bread sculpture. I’ll be here from 8pm to point the baguette of truth at every limp loaf and crusty bloomer. Do join in with your thoughts and comments in the box below – without your jam, my toast would be dry and sad, so spread it with carefree abandon.
See you at 8!
