So that’s it for another week! Next week is all about recipes from the past (aren’t all recipes from the past?), so join me back here on Wednesday and we’ll do this all again, with extra fancy Victorian toppings.
Thank you all for joining in down below, it is very much appreciated. I’ll see you next week, unless I see you on Twitter @heidistephens first. Cheers all, Hx
Star Baker this week - MAT! And going home...ALVIN. He feels like he’s leaving the tent a better man. I have something in my eye.
So my guess is Mat for Star Baker, and Alvin to go.
Mat’s look very impressive, and the flavours are gorgeous. Two thumbs up from the judges. Prison Paul’s are underbaked, and on the wonk. “The flavours are coming through, they just look hideous”, says Paul. Flora’s savoury vol-au-vents are delicious, but her pastry needed more rise. Her chocolate ones are brilliant, however. Tamal’s look like they’ve been squashed underfoot, but the flavours are superb. Ian’s are irregular sizes, and his mushroom vol-au-vents are overbaked. Paul doesn’t like the squid ink flavour, and they lack Ian style. Nadiya didn’t have time to fill hers, so she’s presented the fillings in a bowl. Paul stuffs some filling in, and loves the cod and clementine. The korma flavour is amazing too, what a shame she couldn’t finish them. Nadiya’s having a cry. Finally Alvin - they’re a bit raw in the middle, but the fillings on one of his options is delicious. He apologises profusely, I think Alvin might be going home.
Updated
Mat is cutting out the middle of his vol-au-vents and chucking them on the floor. Prison Paul’s cases are square, which is just wrong. Nadiya doesn’t have time to fill her cases, Tamal is stuffing his filling in like he’s wearing mittens. Ian is working on the floor. What a shambles.
Vol-au-vent cases are being bunged into the oven. Ian has put a metal rack in to stop them rising too far. Nadiya is still punching holes in her pastry. Prison Paul’s look like collapsed gravestones, but Mat’s are out of the oven and look fabulous. Oh dear, Alvin’s are a mess.
Mat and Nadiya both have lumpy pastry with buttery cellulite, so Nadiya is making another batch. I fear she’s going to run out of time - only an hour left, and she’s still doing her pastry.
Mat is doing his and hers vol-au-vents. His wife wanted smoked trout and horseradish, while his are stuffed with a full English breakfast. Get in.
Nadiya is doing one option with korma and quail’s egg, and another with cod and clementine. Alvin is making salmon en croute vol-au-vents, plus chicken with vermouth.
Tamal is making vol-au-vents inspired by a sandwich he once ate, which was one of the top two sandwiches he’s ever had. He thinks about that sandwich quite a lot. Which begs two questions - is Tamal actually Joey from Friends, and WHAT WAS IN THE OTHER SANDWICH?
Flora is making chocolate vol-au-vents stuffed with ganache, and some with asparagus and parma ham. NOW we’re talking.
Ian is making mushroom vol-au-vents, and another option with scallops and squid ink. They’re a bit risque, says Ian. Does he mean risky, or are they special bedroom vol-au-vents?
Mary loves a vol-au-vent, as long as it’s well-filled and has lots of lairs.
Butter is being bashed with rolling pins, but they need to keep it cold. It’s encased in the pastry, then rolled and folded.
Seriously, buy a couple of packets of Jus-Rol, then crack open a bottle of wine. Simple.
Finally it’s Showstopper time! This week is all about vol-au-vents, because trying to breathe life back into godawful 70s food appears to be a Bake Off thing this year. I’ve never eaten a vol-au-vent that didn’t taste like the most depressing party ever, but I’m guessing most of them came from Iceland (the shop, not the country). Who the hell in their right mind would bake their own?
Our contestants have to make 24 of two different vol-au-vent flavours, so 48 in total.
Incidentally, vol-au-vent translates literally as “windblown”, which possibly refers to the fate of party guests after too much curried egg filling.
Updated
Alvin is going to have to pull something special out of Showstopper bag if he’s going to avoid going home tonight. Just saying.
“What does Alvin need to avoid going home?” asks Mel. “A miracle” says Mary. She BURNS.
Updated
Tamal comes last, followed by Alvin. Ian comes third, Flora second and Mat came first! “That could just about pass as a flaouna” says Paul. Praise indeed.
So what do Paul and Mary have to say? Tamal flaounes are too flat and there are no sesame seeds on the outside, but they taste like the real deal. Floras look right and taste good, but they’re a bit flat. Alvin’s flaouna pizzas have been deconstructed. Mat’s are pretty good, but Nadiya’s needed to be rolled out thinner. Prison Paul’s are undercooked, and his glaze is a bit patchy. Ian has made Cypriot Cornish pasties.
Apparently the spice is masticha. You learn something new every day.
Everyone’s flaounes are in the oven, apart from Tamal. Alvin’s look like pizzas.
Nobody’s got a clue what they’re doing, so they’re all watching each other. Alvin has got his ruler out. Do you put the sesame seeds on the inside or outside? I’d go outside, personally, but Tamal’s going inside. Flora is apologising to the whole of Cyprus for this utter shambles.
Cheese is being grated frantically. Whack it in the magimix, life’s too short. Now time for pastry, for which there are no instructions. It includes mastic, which you use to seal a bathtub. Apparently this version is a spice, and it seems it smells like something died.
Tamal is whispering. I’m finding Whispery Tamal quite alluring.
Updated
This is an evil challenge, Paul. They look really hard to make, and require loads of techniques the bakers probably won’t know.
It’s Technical Challenge time, and this week it’s Cyprus’s answer to the cheese pasty, the Flaouna. I lived in Cyprus for some years and have eaten Flaounes, but never baked them. It’s an Easter thing usually, they’re like a cheesy scone in the shape of a pasty, sometimes with sultanas in. What’s not to love?
Despondent Alvin’s father is a retired general, so you’ll never find him throwing in the towel. He’s dusting himself off and will not quit.
Judging time - Ian’s is lacking a glaze, and his base isn’t crisp enough because he didn’t blind bake it. Nadiya’s looks beautiful, but has a soggy bottom (DRINK!). The flavour is lovely however, but Nadiya is still giving Mary daggers. Mat’s tastes bland, and Mary isn’t getting enough rum. Flora’s looks a bit of a mess and her amaretti are superfluous, but Mary thinks the flavour is delicious. Paul thinks it’s overbaked and bitter. Prison Paul’s looks stunning, and gets thumbs up from the judges. Mary likes the pattern of Alvin’s plums, but his frangipane is uncooked. “Your plums aren’t cooked either”, says Paul, witheringly. Tamal’s isn’t pretty enough for Paul, but it tastes beautiful and his frangipane is baked to perfection. GO TAMAL.
Updated
And breathe, everyone - Alvin’s tart is in the oven. They’re all panicking, anyone would think they’d never made this before. Ian’s and Paul’s both look amazing, but Flora’s is burned on one side.
Alvin is still on the floor, praying to the oven gods.
Tart cases are out of the oven - Mat’s has shrunk, Flora is concerned about how pretty her tart is, Alvin still hasn’t blind baked his yet.
Flora is making her tart with apricot and rosemary, which is something I’d stuff a leg of lamb with. Paul and Mary are critiquing her tart case before she’s even filled it. Tamal is eggwashing his tart to avoid a soggy bottom. Alvin is worried, because he’s way behind.
Fashion interlude: loving Nadiya’s spotty top. Ian is using the eggs from his own guinea foul, because he’s actually Lord Grantham. He pronounces it “frangipanny”, and his tart includes calvados, probably made from the apples gathered on his French estate.
Nadiya is making her tart with Rong Tea and bay leaf, no idea what that’s going to taste like but let’s go with it. Mat is making a Pina Colada Frangipane Tart, with rum and pineapple. No Baileys-filled straws, mind, so my heart still belongs to Luis.
Updated
Alvin is making a plum frangipane tart. He hasn’t poached his plums, but he will be fanning them on top. Let’s stop talking about Alvin’s plums.
Prison Paul is making a Christmas Frangipane tart, with pears, apricots and iced Christmas trees. Tamal’s tart also has a festive twist, but his has mulled wine in it. I couldn’t love Tamal more.
None of the contestants are feeling very confident about pastry. They need to avoid a soggy bottom, says Mary. DRINK!
Everyone is making their pastry in the mixer, apart from Mat, who has never heard of this new-fangled technique.
Right, let’s kick off some baking. Tonight’s signature challenge is an open-topped frangipane tart with shortcrust pastry, with a topping of their choice. If you didn’t know, frangipane is the almond cream that makes almond croissants and bakewell tart taste like heaven on a plate. I could eat it out of a bowl, with a massive spoon. Actually forget the spoon, I’ll just shovel it in with my bare hands.
Incidentally, Fran Gipane is Paul Hollywood’s drag queen name. Possibly.
Previously on Bake Off: alternative ingredients week. Sugar-free cakes that were stuffed with every kind of sugar apart from the stuff that comes in a bag, gluten-free pittas that looked like something you’d give your dog to chew, and a selection of dairy-free ice cream rolls that were heavy on the coconut. Nadiya took a long-awaited Star Baker and we all had a little cry. Ugne’s alternative approach to alternative was just too alternative for the Male Judge, so she’s no longer with us. Only seven bakers remain!
This week’s Bake-Off Bingo – a Greggs steak bake for any occurrence of the following:
• Soggy bottoms
• Tart-related innuendo
• Reference to Flora’s extensive collection of cookery books (in French)
• Alvin playing “what shape is this mystery food?”
• Chickpeas
Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Great British Bake Off Liveblog! After last week’s foray into gluten-free flour and sugar-free cakes (don’t even get me started), we’re back in our happy place with Pastry Week. I’m thinking tarts, puffy delicacies, maybe a pie or two – anything that gets the taste of those gluten-free pittas out of my mouth, I’m still trying to chew one I started last Wednesday.
As usual I’ll be rolling out the flaky pastry case for the liveblog up here, while you provide the exotic filling in the comment box below. Pipe something fancy and add a bit of spun sugar if you like. Hell, why not make some anatomically-dubious fondant sunbathers, like Prison Paul?
Everything kicks off at 8, so you might want to pop the oven on and start softening your butter. See you then!
