So that’s it for another week! Next week is pastry, when our bakers have to knock up full-fat frangipane, cheese-filled pastries and another 70s classic, vol-au-vents. All sounds pretty good to me, so I’ll see you back here at 8pm next Wednesday.
In the meantime I’ll also be kicking off the Strictly season with the launch show liveblog on Saturday at 7.15, so dig out your dancing shoes for that. Thanks for joining in with your brilliant comments and contributions – you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens if you’re in the vicinity. See you next week! Hx
Decision time...this week’s Star Baker is...NADIYA! And going home is...UGNE. She’s had a rubbish weekend, I think she over-experimented. Ugne is super-proud of herself. I’ve got something in my eye.
So who will be this week’s Star Baker, and who will go? I’m betting on Nadiya for Star Baker, and maybe Ugne to go?
“I’ve got a bit of a crack”, says Mary, referring to Tamal’s lurid yellow roll. Leave it, Heidi.
Flora’s sponge is too thin to contain the ice cream. Mat made a swiss roll, because he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to. His ice cream has disappeared. Nadiya’s rolls look beautiful, and her flavours are perfect. Alvin’s toxic ice cream roll has good flavours, although the mango got a bit lost. Ugne’s looks a bit sad, but her peanut butter ice cream is fantastic. She has a small cry. Paul’s design is rather fabulous, and the flavour is great too. Ian’s flavour combinations are ingenious, both judges love it.
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Ugne’s cake is falling apart again. She’s had a shocker this week.
Paul is making people out of fondant, with tiny boobs. Ian hangs nuts from his palm tree, but makes sure there are three so they don’t look like dangly testicles. Paul tries to give his fondant woman a bikini gusset, and gives her a fondant penis instead. Hey, we’ve all been there.
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Sponge is being jammed, and rolled around the ice cream. Although Ugne has put her jam inside the ice cream, for no apparent reason. Alvin’s ice cream is too big for the sponge, so Paul is helping him cut bits off. Tamal’s sponge has cracked. These all look a bit rubbish, if I’m honest. Maybe decorations will help.
Alvin’s green icecream looks like toxic waste, but Paul’s is too runny. He’s a bit worried, as well he should be. Last time we did ice cream there was a massive bin scandal and all hell broke loose.
Paul has baked palm trees into his sponge, whilst Tamal’s looks like a 70s lampshade. I love it.
Mat is worried that his ice cream roll isn’t more decorative. Ian hasn’t got time to do some of the twiddly bits. I miss showstopper lions.
Nadiya’s little ice cream rolls look gorgeous on paper, with fabulous henna-style decorations.
Ian is also making a desert island (dessert island?), but his has palm trees instead of Paul’s bikini. Flora isn’t actually making an ice cream roll, but a buche. Teenagers, eh? Never do as they’re told.
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Ugne is going for peanut butter ice cream with grape jelly. I am dry heaving.
Alvin is making a Buko Pandan-flavoured ice cream, which Paul informs us smells like suntan lotion. Prison Paul, meanwhile, is dressing his ice cream roll in a bikini and flavouring it with mango, lime and coconut. Tamal is using passion fruit and pineapple. Mat is going for raspberry and coconut, wrapped in a fatless sponge.
Did anything EVER sound more sad than dairy-free ice cream in a fatless sponge? I’d be washing that down with my own tears.
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Paul is expecting to see magic in the tent. Flora explains that coconut milk has a strong taste of coconut, THANKS FLORA.
I’ve made dairy-free ice cream before, you just use coconut milk instead. It tastes quite nice, if you don’t mind a mild twinge of suntan lotion in every mouthful. Alternatively, lob a bottle of Malibu in the freezer.
And finally, it’s time for tonight’s Showstopper! This week our bakers are making dairy-free ice cream rolls. I’m not sure what an ice cream roll is, is it like 80s classic Arctic Roll? It was a familiar dessert in our house in the 80s, mostly when we hadn’t been well behaved enough for a Viennetta.
Alvin comes bottom - this weeks top three are Flora in third, Paul in second and Nadiya in first! She looks overjoyed. Yay Nadiya!
Flora’s pittas have a proper pitta pocket, apart from the ones that are too thick. Ugne’s are more of a flatbread, says Mary, who insists on calling it a “Peter”. Tamal’s are round, and rubbish. Paul’s have a nice colour and a lovely pocket - “there’s room for all sorts of things in there”, says Mary. Nadiya’s are excellent, but Alvin’s are too thick and not cooked. The look like bits of carpet.
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Tamal is having a meltdown. Everyone is running out of time. All the pittas look like sad broken flipflops. My mouth is not watering in any way.
Doughs are out of the proving drawer. Alvin thinks pittas might be triangles, or circles. Or maybe oblongs.
Why would you make these? They’re two packs for a pound in Sainsbury’s.
“This is...rank” says Tamal, speaking for a nation. 15 minutes of Ugne’s kneading later, it doesn’t look any different. They all give up and start proving instead.
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Nobody has ever made gluten free bread, it seems. Paul is testing their understanding of gluten-free doughs, which will be sticky rather than doughy.
Technical challenge time, and tonight it’s a recipe of Paul’s for 12 gluten-free pittas, which I quite like the sound of, because gluten is not my friend. I’m hoping there will be hummus piping, otherwise it’s just a sad bit of flatbread on the mezze platter of misery.
Tamal’s cake looks very pretty, much like Tamal. Paul loves the sharpness from the grapefruit, and Mary enjoyed it too. Ian’s honey cake looks beautiful, but Mary thinks it’s a bit simple, and the cake isn’t sweet enough. Mat’s cake looks like it hasn’t been baked, but Paul really likes it. Paul’s carrot and pecan cake is very impressive, and has a lovely flavour, but it’s a bit overdone. Ugne’s cake looks a mess, and doesn’t quite make the grade, taste-wise. Nadiya’s blueberry jam with basil seeds is lovely, and her flavours are spot on. Flora’s looks gorgeous, but the cake is stodgy. Alvin’s pineapple cake is superb, and he’s over the moon. Bless.
Last half hour! Ugne’s cake is seriously ugly. Everything has collapsed, so she’s decorating it with flowers. Alvin is having a short nap.
Cakes are out of the oven, and thus far looking pretty cakey. Tamal is injecting his cake with grapefruit, blood orange and honey. Icing is being made for cream cheese frosting, sweetened with honey or maple syrup or other things that are JUST BLOODY SUGAR.
Alvin’s pineapple cake is done, so he’s reading a book. I think Alvin’s days may be numbered.
Mat has cake fear, and keeps checking the oven. Everyone else has their eyes pressed to the oven door like they’re trying to flash-fry their eyeballs. Nadiya is worried her cake might be burning, but it might just be the molasses. Did I mention that molasses are a syrup generated from raw sugar, so are arguably NOT A SUGAR SUBSTITUTE?
I’ll get over this soon, I promise.
Flora is making the honey madeleines for the base of her cake. She’s probably going to regret adding more things to her list, she tells us, rolling her eyes to the heavens.
Can I just clarify that Flora is really only 19? She has the world-weariness of someone who has to take the twins to violin lessons, cook dinner, do an online Waitrose order AND change the sheets in the guest room before bedtime. Can someone book her a spa day or something?
Alvin is making a pineapple upside down cake, replacing the sugar with agave nectar. Ugne is making her sugar-free cake with gluten-free quinoa flour too, because why the hell not? Might as well suck all the joy out of life while you’re at it.
Paul is using agave nectar in his carrot and pecan cake. Flora is a firm believer in the all-in-one method, even though 19-year-olds are usually only firm believers in cider and sleeping. Tamal has got his syringe out again.
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Ian is making a honey and pear cake, with walnuts. It’s got an entire jar of honey in it, but Ian probably has his own bees.
Mat is making carrot cake, and getting the sweetness from honey and dates. Mary is worried his batter might be too slack, so the fruit sinks to the bottom.
Everyone is very keen to knock Ian off the top spot, but in a very nice way. It is Bake Off, after all.
Time for tonight’s signature challenge – a sugar-free cake. So you can use things like fruit or honey or syrup, as long as it doesn’t come from a bag. Technically honey or syrup are just other forms of sugar, so this is an entirely pointless exercise. But anyway, let’s go with it. It’s going to be a very long night otherwise.
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And we’re off! It’s Week 5. Previously on Bake Off, desserts week. Crème brulees that lacked the essential wobble, posh pavlovas from Spain via Austria, and a three-tier baked cheesecake showstopper. Ian topped the leaderboard to take Star Baker for the third time in a row (Tamal was robbed, I tell you), whilst Random Sandy headed home after a soupy brulee and a raw cheesecake disaster. I loved Sandy, we shall miss her wearing sparkly shoes and being mildly bonkers.
This week’s Bake Off bingo – a dry rice cake for any occurrence of the following:
• Potato flour
• Margarine icing
• Something tasting like cardboard
• Paul mansplaining to Mary about the importance of gluten
• Carrots
Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Bake Off liveblog! Tonight’s show is all about alternative ingredients, which mostly involves baking without things like gluten, dairy or sugar. They didn’t include this episode last year, in favour of European cakes or something you’d much rather shove in your face than hemp flour beetroot cake. Is this a subtle vote for Brexit, do we just need a break from Swiss meringue?
I’ll be up here keeping an eye on every spelt surprise and tapioca tragedy, while you add a sprinkling of sugar substitute in the comment box below. It could be a joyless, free-from happiness kind of show, or it could be an inspiration to anyone like me who thinks flour, sugar and butter are the holy trinity of cake and should never be messed with. We’ll find out at 8pm – see you then!
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