One of our favourite festive traditions is giving a present that’s meant to show how much you care for a person, but actually shows the exact opposite. Yes, everyone needs a few spare gifts for the annoying relative who turns up unexpectedly, and that’s where this book comes in. You don’t have to waste time thinking about what to buy and the person you give it to doesn’t have to waste time reading it.
Here’s a large picture of a beetroot to fill up some space.
Mel: “You know what that reminds me of ... ”
Sue: “Paul, when his wife ... ”
Mel: “Ooh, you are awful!”
The key to a successful Christmas is remembering to do some important things beforehand. There’s nothing worse than waking up on Christmas Day and realising you’ve completely forgotten all about Christmas and have no food in the house whatsoever. As Mary says: “It’s best to be prepared!”
With this in mind, Mary and I have the perfect festive baking treat: the mince-pie advent calendar. So get ready with 115g of unsalted butter, 115g of caster sugar, 225g of flour and some rollable fondant icing and spend several hours numbering the mince pies from one to 24. Alternatively, just buy several packets of mince pies from a supermarket and scrawl numbers on them with a magic marker. No one will notice the difference!
Mel: “What are you doing this Christmas, Sue?”
Sue: “I’m going up the Mekong.”
Mel: “I have terrible trouble with Me Kong.”
Sue: “Ooh, you are awful!”
The next section is what I like to call Come On Over food.
Mel: “Ooo-er, did you hear what Paul said?”
Sue: “I hope he’s not going to do it anywhere near me!”
Mel: “He likes to keep his mixture moist.”
Sue: “Before it gets hard in the oven.”
Mary: “Oh come, come you two.”
Here is the recipe for my Stollen cake. Take 500g of strong – very strong – white flour and 10g of fast-action years. Add spice. Mmmmm. Comb your beard lightly to remove any crumbs. Narrow your eyes until there is just a shaft ...
Mel: “Did he say shaft?”
… of midnight-blue looking longingly towards the camera. Hold that pose for just a few seconds longer than you feel is needed. Place an ornamental silver fox on top ...
Sue: “On top!”
Between Christmas and New Year, nobody does very much except argue and wonder why they bothered making a Christmas cake no one wants to eat. This is an ideal time to get even more baking in. This recipe for Passion Fruit and Pomegranate Pavlova Cake is so rich and sickly it’ll make anyone with a hangover sick. Take 735 egg whites and whip hard…
Mel: “Whip!”
… until the whites stiffen into peaks ...
Sue: “My peaks are stiffening already!”
Oh, do give it a rest you two.
Mel’n’Sue: “Sorry. Can’t stop. It’s in our contract.”
Serves 12.3 million. That’s about it really. I’ve got a few of the contestants’ recipes I could add, if you’re still a bit short. And some lovely photos. Here’s a cake with a sparkler. And an attractive woman smiling. Sorry, what’s that? You’ve got a few more empty pages? I could draw you some shapes that someone might be able to copy. Will that do?
Digested read, digested: The Great British Rake Off.
