And then there were ten!
That felt like quite a tense episode – I need to untangle my clenched limbs and breathe out ahead of next week’s episode which is all our favourites: BREAD WEEK! I can already envisage Paul prowling around the tent, intimidating any ounce of confidence from the poor bakers.
Signature looks like it’ll be soda bread, in case you are wondering where all the flour went this summer. I wonder who’ll dare to add mango to theirs ...
Who will rise to the challenge? Who will prove themselves? Have we already run out of bread puns? Tune in to find out next week – and in the meantime, Scott lives here and I’m here!
If I end up going grey as elegantly as Rowan believe me I’d have no reason to revisit my youth. #GBBO https://t.co/qImTGdSfjO
— Henry Bird (@henryfabird) September 29, 2020
I need to see Henry and Rowan’s (Socially Distanced) Day Out immediately. Commission this immediately.
Poor Mak! It’s always so hard to leave the Bake Off so early on. I will forever remember Mak for his IKEA construction angst and his love of his typewriter.
Results are in...
Star Baker is Dave! His rampant lamp-rubbing must have paid off – and his showstopper was impressive. There was a close call at the bottom, where Rowan was saved by his marvellous whimsy, meaning poor Mak was given his marching orders.
Okay so who do we think is where? Rowan’s lighthouse wasn’t particularly the beacon of hope he’d wanted, and Flat-Pack-Mak was given a bit of a rough ride.
For me, my stand-out Showstopper was Linda’s, but I reckon Star Baker will likely go to Mark, just for his consistency across all three challenges.
Oo-err. Mak is not in their good books. Peter’s Scottish Spread (careful boys) is particularly impressive.
“Scotland on a plate” #GBBO pic.twitter.com/y4RxEtolwc
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 29, 2020
Paul is on one today, he’s not having it is he? “Not enough wehhk”, “Too much wehhk”, ‘Over-wehhked’.
Now for the Showstopper judging!
Rowan’s tea-set does look like a lighthouse, albeit slightly ragged. Mark’s looks like it fell out of Mr Men.
There’s a flasher in the Bake Off Tent! #GBBO pic.twitter.com/zXY5KH16Hh
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 29, 2020
I think Paul will be pleased. It’s *largely* finished.
Rowan, aiming high as always.
To be honest, the cameras were never in the way as much as Noel was. And I say that from a place of love.
You’re right. Everyone seems very stressed. When Noel walked to her table, Lottie just asked if he could leave. Michael, were there times when you wanted the cameras out of your face?
This feels tense. Is anyone having fun? I remember the tent was particularly quiet during our biscuit showstopper too. Hours of work can turn into a pile of delicious dust at the last minute.
Mak is having a nightmare with his IKEA baking set. I cannot comment. It took me eight weeks to build a table for my printer during the lockdown. Eight weeks.
‘I didn’t know Noel did comedy’ – Hermine brutally cutting to the quick.
Lottie is having a nightmare of a week, with her Viking boat now stuck in its shell.
I hate these high-pitched pre-ad-break violins. They go right through me.
Linda’s ‘high tea’ concept is based on a trip to Amsterdam, she tells Paul and Prue. We’ve all had some ‘high tea’ in Amsterdam, Linda.
Dave’s desire for Star Baker seems to run deep. Never has someone rubbed a lubricated lamp more intensely. Perhaps Jafar, in Aladdin. Didn’t end particularly well for him, though.
Flat-Pack-Mak avoiding the moulds by making an IKEA dinner set. I did the same swerve last year – baking biscuits with moulds is a lot harder than they’re making it look, honest.
I claimed it was cubism when really it was cheating.
A disappointing lack of mango-based dinner sets thus far ...
Yet again the bakers act like this challenge is normal. Nobody reacts when Rowan proudly tells Paul that his teapot will look like a lighthouse (complete with *flashing* light). Peter is making a 3D biscuit haggis. Lottie is making a Viking table setting. Normal Normal Normal.
Remember that this year they have ‘gone back to basics’ for their challenges. Obviously. Next week they’ll be crafting dreamscapes using nothing but whipped cream and home-made Viennetta.
Time for the Showstopper ...
... and I am CACKLING. The bakers are making a “3D biscuit table setting from a memorable meal you once had.” Did they come up with Showstopper ideas this series by throwing darts at boards with different words on them? Have they employed the Family Guy Manatees?
The mango wars rage on. I would like to come out in favour of mangos, but not when they’re dried. Dried mangoes are gross.
Moving into the Showstopper, Rowan is definitely flirting with the bottom there (referring to his technical bake as a ‘cats lavatory’, as only he can) - probably joined by Mak and Hermine? Can Lottie climb back up to Star Baker after her handshake? Mark and Dave are biting at her heels ...
The penny sweets? I used to throw away the outer layer as I didn’t think they were edible. Here’s the top and bottoms from the technical: 11th: Rowan. 10th: Peter. 9th: Marc. … 3rd: Mak. 2nd: Mark. 1st: Dave. That means that after being the victim of ‘fly-gate’ last week, Dave is now well and truly fly ... ing … sorry.
I really hate hearing the sound of the judges biting into bakes. ASMR at its worst. Also, Head Girl Lottie’s macaroons look like flying saucers.
Sura there being told to wait before heading to the gingham altar. Probably wise. Dave is surely busy sharpening his elbows after last week’s ‘accident’.
The moment disaster struck the Bake Off Tent in Cake Week… #GBBO pic.twitter.com/RSO2NteYLL
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 23, 2020
When the art teacher has lost control of the class so they bring the deputy head down to sort it out #gbbo pic.twitter.com/sH9V15WkTi
— Mark (@Hiphopocrates) September 29, 2020
A relatable Sura moment just happened. Matt said that half her macaroons are huge. “Was that intentional?” he asks. “No,” she responds. He repeats. “Those look larger. Was that intentional?” “Yes,” Sura deadpans.
It’s INFURIATING that the instructions just say ‘bake’. No wonder we all end up sat on the floor staring into the ovens. What is golden? What is cooked? What is a macaroon?
Everyone BTL is having a MELTDOWN over the fact that, after all that mango nonsense, the macaroons in this challenge are mango based. Yikes.
MANGO MACAROONS?
Is GBBO sponsored by the Mango Marketing Board this year?
same
my wardrobe as it progressed through 2020. #gbbo pic.twitter.com/l8PiuRuWhP
— Ariadne Griffin 🦋 (@Ariadne_Griffin) September 29, 2020
Lottie on her handshake: “I felt nothing”. She’s so cool she’s practically frozen. Or she just really wants Noel to go away.
Matt is talking to Dave who clearly does not want to talk to Matt. I treasure these golden interactions.
Macarons are the small round ones you get in fancy shops, macaroons are the disgusting ones you get in street markets. And Macron is the president of France.
I am not an expert. Help me. Isn’t it a macaron? What is a macaroon? Surely they are the same?
On to the Technical...
This week they must make 12 macaroons – crunchy on the outside, and chewy on the inside. Half should be filled with chocolate, and half with mango curd. Macaroons are gross. That is my objective opinion.
I have been investigating Hollywood Handshakes for a number of years (no, really) and this is the first one of the year. By this point last year, we hadn’t had any yet - the first was in week three (yes yes, Michael, you did very well). Here is a graph.
FIRST HANDSHAKE OF 2020 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/zae8g56j5T
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) September 29, 2020
In other news I’m still single thanks for asking.
HANDSHAKE KLAXON!!
Lottie enters the elite first handshake club - for a BISCUIT no less! I want to be in her head girl clique more than ever.
Linda has made biscuits, but Prue is unhappy. This is like when she told me my meringue dessert was too much like a pudding. Which is just another word for dessert. I’m over it, promise.
Peter channelling Elle Woods with both a bend and a snap. Niche Legally Blonde reference for some of you there.
Rowan is FLAGRANTLY disregarding Paul’s advice to underpromise. Breaking news: for the Showstopper he is to make Buckingham Palace, populated by biscuit Wombles, on the Moon. Out of Wagon Wheels.
There’s a lot of debate BTL about whether mango should be in a biscuit, especially this was an unexpectedly mango fuelled challenge.
I just DON'T GET dried mango. It's pleasant enough, but the recent thing of putting it in every dried-fruit bake/cake/pudding/snack I find baffling.
What is wrong with the humble raisin, sultana and cherry?
I, for one, am for it.
It's time to judge the Signature!
This means Prue loudly bellowing “I remember worrying a bit about your very large nuts” to the rest of the tent.
During this ad break, please enjoy this great thread of Noel Fielding as cakes:
Noel Fielding as cakes.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 29, 2020
A thread.#GBBO pic.twitter.com/Pf2ixpwQVG
‘It would be nice to have finished rather more of them’ sings Rowan, faced with a tray of approximately 37 unfinished florentines. Has this man ever seen stress?
Wait, Marc is a sculptor … but produced THIS last week.
Therapist: the David Bowie cake is just a cake, it cannot hurt you
— Ellie Kinney (@EllieKinney) September 22, 2020
David Bowie cake: #GBBO pic.twitter.com/lUMek98cbP
I don’t mean to judge. But I am also literally here to judge.
Important: Not only is Rowan making florentines based on his waistcoats, he owns “at least” twelve of the garments, including one “embroidered in France.” It’s official: different waistcoats each week are possible between now and the final.
Updated
Hermine reading two pages of her course materials before taking a break is very me.
Meanwhile, Noel and Matt announce “You are halfway through your lives’’ whilst shouting how much time is left on the clock. Is there a death theme in their time-checks this year? Is this a thing?!
— no context bake off (@nocontextgbbo) September 26, 2020
“Hobnobs are posh where I come from” says Laura … as we see her using her home’s private outdoor pizza oven.
You’re right. There are still so many bakers it’s hard to keep up. They’ve just profiled the other bakers and the only thing that I remember after seeing all of them in quick succession is that Mak is a fan of old typewriters.
Updated
Is there cardamom in every single bake this week? Not a complaint. Cardamom should be in everything. Is someone making cardamom tea? There are so many people. It’s been five minutes and I’m lost.
What I love about Bake Off is how they all seem to have enough time to do other pursuits … as well as baking. Peter bakes and runs with his brother. Linda bakes, does the weeds and also gets drunk in her garden shed. I can’t get above 2% French fluency on Duolingo. How do they do it?
ANOTHER video of Peter exercising to make us all feel bad about vegetating on the sofa, and a clip of Sura wearing a mask while out in public. Do you? (You should).
Prue says it’s all about the snap. But who will snap first? Probably me, I’m very tired. Oh, she’s done an about turn and is now apparently more interested in crisp cracks. I love a nice crack, too, Prue.
Anyway, to this week's signature.
The bakers have to bake 36 (36!) identical chocolate florentines. I bet the appetite of the entire Bake Off Bubble was sated. I’m starving.
Oooh they look cold. Honestly, the tent is freezing in the morning. We used to turn on all the ovens and huddle in front of them like something out of the Railway Children.
Me sitting in front of the TV wondering how #gbbo is going to top last week's episode pic.twitter.com/iuV7vtzzzW
— shane reaction ☘️ (@shane_reaction_) September 29, 2020
My response: nothing will ever top last week’s episode.
In biscuit news, I discovered recently that American ‘biscuits’ are scones, which is quite upsetting. They have them with (white) gravy, which I think is even worse.
Shudder. It was quite the journey last week – we sadly said goodbye to the lovely Loreia, while Peter was crowned the first Star Baker of the series!
If you missed Cake Week, all you need to remember is that Sura walks a cat on a leash and some of those Celebrity Hero Cake Busts will haunt me in my nightmares forever.
just thinking about Queen Sura walking her cat #GBBO pic.twitter.com/3C5P1KMLYl
— Michael Chakraverty (@mschakraverty) September 23, 2020
Welcome to Biscuit Week
Hello! It’s been QUITE the week already, hasn’t it, and it’s only Tuesday. Nevertheless: are we all ready to watch the bakers battle biscuits in week two of Bake Off (try saying that after a blueberry bellini or two)?
Honestly, I found this the toughest week of them all last year. Never felt closer to snapping. Or crumbling. (Sorry, setting the pun bar low and the episode hasn’t even started yet). Before we get cracking (no I won’t stop), what do we think makes a biscuit and what makes a cookie? Answers below the line …
Scott will be chipping in throughout with his thoughts (and memes), as well as lurking BTL where the real action is.
Updated
I like all the guardian picks are people going on about Mango