A promising start
More bakers, longer running time, but also ruder than ever. Entertainment richer than a simnel cake, possibly. They’re all big personalities this year, with faces more malleable than A Muppet’s Christmas Carol but capable too.
Thanks for the company, y’all. You called it right: the hipster always goes week one. The bun is done. Priya with her Crayola Guttenberg Press has gone down well with everyone. But Michelle walked away with the honours, and made it look easy. A piece of pi bara brith.
What am I talking about, she was stressed out the entire time. How will she handle the pressure of, er, week two of a possibly fifty?
See you then, baking bredren! In the meantime, come say hello on twitter or Instagram or if you want to make me really happy* buy my book
* a highly relative term
Oh, only one person goes. Does this mean the show will be an extra week long? It already feels an extra week long. Is it ten to midnight
goodbye Dan
Dan is going home! The bun is no longer current. I had no eye deer this would go so badly for him
Michelle is Star Baker!
The Fleabag is redeemed! I am surprised and delighted for her.
Okay Jamie and Dan gone? WIll they get a middle aged woman in to replace them? Like Love Island, but...not
Thanks @DaveDave69. I think I actually meant Robert Winston but couldn’t remember his name
Everyone’s talking about Jamie. Unfortunately you’re all saying he’s going home
I see Dan’s dry ice butters no parsnips for you people. Tough crowd.
No Jamie! Show your tears. Be a new kind of man. It will not affect your modelling contract, I promise you.
Did Dan just say “Throw me a bun”
Jamie actually enters puberty before our eyes, voice breaking as he presents his cake to Paul like a tribal initiation. What a privilege to see. Like an Attenborough documentary.
DAN BUN HAS A DRY ICE ELEMENT. How do you like him now?
Steph’s ice cream crumbles, like all childhood dreams. But David has possibly inched the top spot with his creepy snakes on a cake. Has he redeemed himself from that carrot fat malarkey for you all?
There’s a…droop to Phil’s pocket rocket which lets him down. Henry’s blackberry redeems a too sweet if stunning effort. The crown looked to be his before that I think, but has he done enough?
Michelle’s toadstool is a Proustian delight. Helena’s garden is an emerald dream. Alice’s sweetshop resides in a “rough and ready” part of town.
I’ve noticed that when Noel makes a suggestive joke about something Prue says, she kind of says it again, as if that will clarify what she meant. Like someone who doesn’t understand what the class joker is up to, or which defensive weapons to deploy
Handle with care. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/A9xwRUMAza
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) August 27, 2019
Updated
@lovejonsnow yes me too. Like he’s being spied on by a ninja buck from behind a hedge of chest hair.
Phil...smoothing his rocket tip is a late contender for the episode’s most suggestive moment. Coming after Furry Garden Gate, that’s saying something
Who does Rosie’s voice remind me of?
Heavy handed tablet slam from Dan there.
Michael’s dropped his cake and given himself “a stress hernia.” This has entered my top ten lexicon of anxiety catchphrases with a bullet.
LOOK AT MICHAEL’S BLUE HAND
Priya with her ISBN geekery was already my favourite and then she said “What is that timer for?” LOVE.
“I’ve done about 20 minutes work.” Personally I couldn’t love Jamie more. Especially standing next to Alice making the Sistine Chapel
Still not over furry garden to be honest
Alice is making an entire cake shop. Incredible. All Alices are high achievers aren’t they? Though as someone has pointed out, they all seem very high achieving this year. I feel 30% worse about myself.
@scarletpanda ‘ISBN geekery’ is my niche search term when I go online incognito
@sweetiepudding Paul’s relative orangery IS somewhat reduced, I think you’re right. He’s been...unTangoed?
@GreatIsMyNewt I was in Edinburgh botanical garden yesterday and found a chilli plant called ‘Peter’s Penis’. Single Entendre City. I respected it.
Okay, who do we like for this? (Interpret the question however you see fit.)
20yr old Jamie has forgotten to add eggs to his cake. I’m going to miss these almost literally schoolboy errors.
Paul just staring at Henry. Like a frozen video that will never buffer.
Huge, relatable lols at Priya writing an ISBN number on the childhood storybook she made from crayon.
Steph’s dropped ice cream cake is conceptually brilliant I think? All about the redemption of childhood dreams.
“How big is your fairy garden?” The man is shattering her innocence before our eyes.
NB when Paul said “Oh you mean fairy garden” he ALSO pronounced it Furry Garden, because of HIS accent. What IS going on.
Showstopper: Birthday cake
WHAAAT!?! Paul mistakes Helena’s fairy garden for her ‘furry garden’ and no doubt the switchboards lit up. How any of this cake is going to be eaten when everyone’s jaws are on the floor, is beyond me.
@gazoomplasm I slowed down when I tried to figure out how to put pictures on the blog, and apparently I’ve forgotten. Little glimpse behind the golden curtain there
Jamie comes in last and says thank you. I love him. He’s followed by Helena’s blood red middle. Steph comes in third, Rosie second, and head boy Henry takes the prize! ‘Very Good Feathering and Excellent in Every Way’ is his house motto isn’t it
Michelle and Michael clasping each other’s arms is a sweeter sight than Phil’s sponge, which is saying something. The man is an artist.
Jamie has only made two layers; but on the other hand they are both texturally awful. Apparently they taste not bad though? The confuser.
Judging time!
Paul complains about dropping his rubber on the floor- no, that joke needs finesse. Let’s just say many bakers have struggled to get their rise on
I see Dan’s bun has put a LOT of you off. I wonder if he keeps a money jar in it like Marge Simpson.
@paperview ‘Twin but dim’ is so good I had to leave the room.
Which is the only thing I’m not allowed to do
‘Ice and slice’ is Henry’s order of sponge prep. I bet that’s how he orders his g&t too.
Jamie is making a two layer cake. I love an underdog, Maybe they’ll be the best two layers.
Dan Bun thinks the instructions look clear. He’s only on step one. A perfect expression of the misguided energy of youth.
You like a bit of cruelty” observes Prue, and Paul’s collar nods sternly.
Technical Challenge: Angel Cake slices
This is absolutely one of those cakes that I only imagine being made in a factory and sent directly to the corner shop.
Alice’s ginger wreath is glorious but unbalanced. Bad Hand Harry’s henna cake brings the magic, but Dan Bun’s rum and raw number breaks the spell. They’re good though, aren’t they.
RUSTICAAA
“I think it looks attractive. Good colour.” Paul Hollywood, not helping.
Michelle has been given an asymmetric haircut she doesn’t like and does not want you to be kind about it
Helena has broken the mould with an unintentionally savoury cake that looks like a tail-light shattered above it. Modify my vows, Gregory
PHIL! That looks magnificent. I have misjudged you, and lessons should be taken from this. (Possibly won’t be.)
But it tastes good! Daub yourself in Pictich dye, you conquering hero!
Henry’s Operah House now looks the ruin of a Druidic shrine, bless his brogues
Judging Time!
Priya nails it, and in the process teaches me that fruitcake is not at all what I was thinking of, and I actually like the look of whatever she’s made.
@neko99 For some reason I’m drawing a blank on what simnel cake actually is but I know I want it too. It sounds noble. Like a Roman orator.
Henry has DROPPED the Royal Opera House and collapsed its walls. That’s gonna take a chunk out of the student loan. Alice looked even more dismayed than him, bless her.
Okay Michael is Harry Potter isn’t he. But when he can’t get his wand to work and the magic goes backwards
Who is stressing you out the most so far, everyone?
Henry is a university prospectus come to life
WHO is the is beautiful goth woman and her wolf trying to SPOOKIFY A FRUITCAKE. Draw up my marriage vows, Gregory. I intend to wife
I wonder how long before ‘Jamie and his Samey’ fan fiction starts doing the rounds
Identical Twin Klaxon! Why do we have this klaxon, identical twin contestants very rarely happens. What a waste of money.
OMG Priya has made marzipan fruit miniatures- the greatest of all art forms- and the banana has authentic browning. I don’t need a mnemonic, because she is my monarch.
@Aratan not only is that no help, I feel I now know less than before
Should I learn Phil’s name? I suspect he won’t be around for long. Is that mean? He made a joke about his overbearing wife, so I feel karma gives me a pass on this one
Michaelangelo’s David
Did he say he’s replacing fat with carrot? THAT’S A FAT NO
Ooh David’s quite…dishy isn’t he? It’s fine to objectify if you make a pun
Man Bun! Dan Bun.
Actually Michael has already cut himself and been bandaged up so many times he’ll be knocking his out with a hand looking like King Tut. Money’s back on the horse doctor
Okay here’s competition straight off the bat. Michael is ALSO making a chai cake, but whereas Dogbelly is going for taste over looks, Michael has put thought into the cake’s appearance too. It looks good from the sketch. Interesting to see how this…pans out.
(IMPORTANT: She is a vet)
Rosie…Hmm. Like a dog’s rosy belly is an indicator of bacterial infection?
Rosie’s chai cake sounds right up my street, to be honest.
Steph looks a lot like she was in an early eighties post-punk band but then settled down and now presents a local radio show. She Stephinately could have been in the Pretenders.
That doesn’t help me remember the name Michelle though.
Smallholding alert! Michelle is Welsh...and looks like Sian Clifford from Fleabag. The rugged Cliffs and Fords of the Welsh coastline? This is more for my benefit than yours, so bear with
“I’m in a tizz already.” Is that…Fleabag’s sister?
She is making heavy fruit cake, which is...amelia average supermodel would refuse to eat?
Okay help me remember these names. Amelia has pink tips to her hair and is a fashion designer.
Signature challenge: fruitcake
Which one is fruitcake? Is Christmas cake a variant of fruitcake, or its own thing? Is fruitcake the one that is denser than the core of a neutron star? Breaks your tiles if you drop it? I don’t like fruitcake.
Sandi telling everyone it’s nice to see them looking so relaxed is SUCH an unsettling psychological power play. Big deputy head energy.
I’m not a high achiever…I have achieved a hangover.” Some guy whose name I don’t know, and is already my hero.
(Maybe they’ll be making blondies.)
Did you see the size of Paul’s collar in that coat? I am VIBRATING with off-colour jokes about the war. For god’s sake let’s get on with the baking.
Also, Noel really can carry off any look, can’t he? Truly a fashion god. Even his face looks like a coat hanger.
Nice tenth anniversary winner’s montage. They get such lovely people on this show don’t they. It’s like a vial of anti-venom for The Apprentice
Wizard of Oz intro! Guess we can stop worrying about whether the show will have lost its camp appeal. Bonus marks for the QI mention too. Dorothy, meet synergy. Hope you get along.
Here we go! Good luck everyone
Thanks @GreatIsMyNewt! I’ll answer to Rhine. I’ll answer to Rhino. I draw the line at Rhingo Starr
Oh I forgot about the bingo. What shall we have?
- anything being rudimentary or rustic
- single entendres of any stripe
- Noel morphing into the Childcatcher
- bottoms that sog
- self-doubt
Will the theme tune be replaced by Billie Eilish? Will Paul spend the full hour looking at Tik Tok? Do I have enough youth culture references to fulfill the rule of three?
Lovely to see you too Heyerette. You’re not getting old– everyone’s talking about how young the contestants are this year, and what it might mean tonally...
Tanthalus- An hour and a HALF? No one told me. I am going to be palpably older when this done. Mmm, palp
The Heat Is On. The Bake Is Off. What does that even mean? No time. Let’s go.
Hello cherubs,
Welcome to the ONLY Great British Bake Off liveblog available online [if you round down] and certainly the best [citation pending]. Here’s how it works. Every week we’ll watch the show together, and I’ll write up the best bits in real time. Then you can all furiously disagree with my judgment below the line. It’s what the internet was made for.
Once again, I feel like GBBO has been sent to save us. The world is – in parts literally – on fire. Let’s unite again, over good people in mild peril. Will Prue’s necklace be bigger than her head? Will Paul have been instructed to dim his smoulder? Most importantly, do you all have snacks to hand? I’ve got sponge fingers, the medical condition livebloggers dread.
The show starts at 8pm on Channel 4, so I’ll see you back here then!
