Gnome more gas in the tank. Phil her up, she's going home
Phil shocked to meet the end of the road- he was undeniably good in previous weeks. Sherlock Gnomes couldn’t have seen it coming. Lemon entry, Indian goodbye.
Michael fell from grace something spectacular, Rosie let her cakes do the talking thank god, and Steph kept a ravening David at bay. He’s a very strong contender though.
Thanks to all of you for the excellent company and innuendo watch.
If any of you would like to hang out with notorious cake perv Felicity Cloake this Sunday you can! Or with me anytime, on the angry jokes place or the boasty picture place. Or if you want to make every cell in my body vibrate like it’s been colonised by bees, buy my book!
Ciao, my lonesome and very quarrelsome heroes x
Star Baker is STEPH!
Dora did an explore in EXCELLENCE. Grew very fond of Steph this week.
Emotional scenes as Phil gets the boot. A bear hug from Paul. The right decision, but it was tight.
“Let’s not dwell on Henry’s balls.” Sandi’s back! Maybe she was teste-ing our loyalty
what a perv
I do love the #GBBO but I want more than a tenth of a second on the finished bakes so I have time to admire them — happy to sacrifice shots of the judges putting forks in their mouths. THE CAKES ARE THE TALENT. RESPECT THEM
— Felicity Cloake (@FelicityCloake) September 17, 2019
Was that Habito mortgage advert conceptualised by Francis Bacon? Harrowing.
I’m finding the contestant’s varying levels of robustness quite fascinating.
What do we all think then? Who’s going?
Everyone has done well except Phil’s Indian allotment. ‘Chemical and samey’ is not the best feedback.
Ooh, Michael has saved himself hasn’t he? Pulled it outta the bag. Priya looks far less secure.
Henry makes a “You’d eat it as a prisoner maybe” self-deprecating joke. What a lovely young man.
Dispiriting to realise I’ve become someone who says ‘lovely young man.’
These are gloriously vibrant to look at aren’t they. Helena’s biscuit spoons go down a treat. Rosie classy as ever. Michelle’s tart of rice confuses Paul.
David’s mishti also excellent though. Beautiful as always. Hmm.
Judging time!
Steph’s Pink Panther hot dogs impress. Hurrah! Plus the ep’s innuendo count was low, until she slipped one in
We want Steph to win, yes?
@emilyscatnaps you’re so right Ganesha would LOVE Tangfastics. He’d spear them on his tusks.
Updated
That looks really good,” says Rosie, in response to Phil’s confusing patch of soil with a gnome on it.
Awful, awful business.
Michelle has produced some sort of Versailles Palace scaffold structure from nowhere
Michael helps Priya plate up her puddings, and the friendship is restored. (Indian) sweet!
He pours a load of unset nutty runnel onto the board. It honestly looks like dog slop.
Not only does size matter, Henry’s kulfi bars aren’t as hard as he’d like them to be.
Phil what the hell are you doing
Like a nonplussed baby bear
Steph makes a ‘size matters’ joke at Henry and he responds with the most Aardman Animation face I have ever seen.
I was standing on the back step, staring into space and thinking ‘my garden looks a little bit nice.”
This is low-level, incredibly weird behaviour from Phil.
My mum does a great Indian rice pudding.
Rice pudding in a tart case, a la Michelle, is quite weird though.
Noel is talking to an empty sack and pretending it’s Sandi. I think she’s not on set. Wonder what was going on.
Why are they telling us the freezer needs to be cold to make ice cream? You’d assume it would. Nothing...bad is going to happen to Henry, is it?
COME ON YOU COYA
(bin leaves)
Steph or David? Who do we think will win? Who do we like more?
In solidarity with Michael, a lot of Indian sweets are insanely sweet. Your teeth shoot out the top of your head on first contact
Lychee, Saffron and Mango are my flavours. I want whatever Priya is making.
All I have is an apricot.
Henry has very long limbs doesn’t he? Like a pipe cleaner man. It’s his first day being a real boy
Coming to Dreamworks, Jan 2020
I love a mishti doi. They sell them on street corners in India. Lovely little earthenware pots full of baked sweet yoghurt. Sublime.
Or his actual wife.
Noel switches his uxorious inclinations to Sandi, but solely for the purposes of a “mishti eyed” pun. All the enthusiasm of Morrissey in a sports bar. Helena doesn’t need to worry.
Showstopper: mishti
Play mishti for me
I wonder if Paul will set the technical challenge in Mandarin next week. And rig the tent with explosives.
@sweetiepudding welcome to you on your Air Canada flight! Must be a first. What’s it like in the cloud? Do you have all my backed up text messages from when I switched phones?
(Also the er, pictures. I can explain.)
“Certainly the best of this lot.” Steph finishes least last. A sort of Theresa May victory.
The other bakes are ALL consigned to the dustbin. Where I shall finish them later.
Don’t encourage them, Prue.” Imagine being Paul’s child. That must be rough (puff).
Paul doesn’t even look at Priya’s offering! Admittedly it does look like a plate of whatever the foxes didn’t fancy from the bin.
Again, I can’t talk
Someone’s woken up on the wrong side of his enclosure
Judging time!
“They’re awful. They’re really bad,” announces Paul the First, before he’s tasted a single maid. He may well throw young prince Henry into a tower.
My gut feel is that I’m not going to be first.” Priya very funny as she pulls actual lentils out of her underbaked pastry.
Do we still love Michael?
Bit of testiness from Priya to Michael? As he’s feeling much better about this round but now she’s the one who needs support.
Priya is having a mare. Rosie seems on top of it?
Forgetting ‘to put water in’ sounds like a pretty basic error Helena.
But I have eaten salad leaves from a bin, so not well placed to judge
It’s Priya and Helena in a race to the soggy bottom
Scant instructions. The bakers have been left to make the curds, their whey.
Sandi is having quite a shocking day, humour wise. Sacrilege I know. Maybe she’s tired.
Ooh, I love a ruff puff so much. (I believe there’s an app for that.)
Noel has gone from the weird outsider newbie to sort of the heart of the show, hasn’t he?
We are on SOGGY BOTTOM ALERT.
The one week I forgot to do a Bingo too.
This sounds like actually, literally impossible to make.
Technical Challenge: Maids of Honour
If Paul finds a heir in the crumble, it’s off with their heads
Oh Michael is a sensitive self-punisher. I feel so sorry for him. As do all the other contestants.
I adore Henry’s monologue style, self-doubting but cheerful, doubling back on itself.
MichaelOwengelo’s David
It’s very neat and beautiful, says Prue, talking about David’s face I think.
Patty Simcox and her pretty poppyseed pudding
Judging Time!
Henry and Rosie nail their dairy element, and Paul slips a vial of booze in Prue’s pocket. Not a euphemism.
For a mad woman you’re doing well.” Prue is one rung below a Wodehousian aunt, isn’t she.
Yesss. Rosie has smashed it too. Sorry, gone very laddy, not sure why. Still feeling vulnerable about that bin salad thing
Come on Hezza.
RIGHT- when was the last time any of you actually ate something out of the bin?
Mine was two days ago. I’m not proud. Even weirder, it was a bag of salad.
It was a bad time
“Don’t be nice to me, please.” Oh Michael. Painfully relatable. Priya was lovely about it, though.
Struggling to look at Noel’s shirt. Is it a Magic Eye print? I think I saw a dolphin
Star Baker Michael’s cake has split down the middle, revealing some sort of…parma violet filling? I wasn’t paying attention earlier. I don’t watch much TV.
The cake is, in his words, un-rescuable.
Nooooooo
PURE DRAMA as Michelle carefully extracts her bundt, taking care not to rip the fragile cake. And promptly smashes the cake stand instead.
It’s not not funny.
These are bundt tins right? Have they not heard of greasing the inside? Not a problem.
Noel just laughing at Sandi’s mild “dairy dallying” wordplay
Michelle has more fruit and veg on her cake than I have in my entire house right now.
Damn goat, telling me to talk about Lorca. “People love a theatrical reference, baaaby” he bleated. Shouldn’t have trusted him. I just want to be down with the kids.
Wow, what an alienating reference point
Helena and Noel announce their plans to divorce their partners and run off together. Imagine that blood-red honeymoon. Like a Lorca play.
Still not over Sandi and Dave licking a plate of limoncello like cats. Lightly dusted with lesbian jokes. What a show.
Thanks! I’m here for an hour or so.
I thought a cultured dairy was one where the goats have opinions on the Mercury Music Prize.
Priya’s choc and banana cake. I want to go to there. Paul looks sceptical however.
It’s good for the microbiome.” My gut tells me I do not want to be sat next to David at a dinner party.
Signature: Cultured milkcakes
Too much complex dairy, or multiculturalism, will unbalance the integrity of the cake. Feels like dangerous territory
And Henry’s Horsemilk Hors D’oeuvres the most overlooked band of all time
Helena calling Paul Pablo! Goth-tinged Euro-irreverence is the best genre of all time
Milk Sweets! My Asian receptor cells are being activated.
Looks like Henry is in trouble this week. Nooo! Set hearts to ‘arrhythmia’
MY KINGDOM FOR A COPY OF NOEL’S BAKING PUNS PLAYLIST! Lethal Drizzle and Crusty Springfield were particularly spectacular.
I’m never at my sharpest for this because weatherman Liam Dutton’s kindly eyes put me into a trance like cradling a swaddled kitten
Hello lovely BTL folk! It touches me that you’re all sharing biscuits.Though I’m afraid I’m going to have to tithe them cookies.
adds ‘Tithe Them Cookies’ to catchphrase shortlist
Isn't every week dairy week? #GBBO pic.twitter.com/sOoAOm73xx
— Nicola (@NicolaFieldsend) September 17, 2019
@Mygoatybeard I live in hope. Pastel de nata are pastel de everything to me
Excellent choice, Gazoomplasm. Slightly related, I have a cup of ginger & honey tea. I wish I could turn it into one ginger cake and one honey cake. I’ve probably watched too much Aladdin
It’s Dairy Week, and you know what that means. Do you? I know I don’t!
Yes, tonight The Great British Bake Off has stuck a cream finger up to vegans, with a brand new themed episode. These are uncharted, custardy waters. Who’ll be the cream of the crop, and who’s gonna split? I’ll be writing the highlights here live, so please get involved in the comments below with your conspiracy theories, confected outrage and addled fandom. Mmm…confected.
The show starts at 8pm, so make a note in your dairy, and learn to spell! That’s just a taste of the mild humour to come!
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