Return to the Planet of the Bakes
An unpredictable week in which the fringe wobbled before reclaiming the crown. Steph is triumphant once again.
With great sadness we say goodbye to Henry, the James Dean of the church organ society. Undoubtedly the most entertaining of this year’s bakers. He was a bantering community newsletter, a pre-watershed Puck, a whey-faced wayfinder for all rebels with a cause. The cause being fantastic television. We salute you, Henry.
Thanks for your Moroccan pie expertise and unimpeachable Dionne Warwick puns, everyone. Come say hi to me in la la land or the bad place or if you want to get me super sog with excitement, buy my book.
Off to don my own black veil,
Rx
I’ve just had a look at Steff’s(?) necklace and have been spelling her name wrong for two months. Or she has. Hmm.
Steph wins star baker for the 4th time!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Henry leaves us. Leaves us as ashen as his pastry walls.
Yes REMEMBER THE CRAB, PRUE.
RECALL THE CRUSTACEAN
This. Watch. Tells. Time.
Get. To.F...orgot how annoying Apple adverts are
The world has turned, and transformed immeasurably in my lifetime. And yet somehow Hollyoaks still exists.
Oh dear. What do we think gang?
I mean I’ll come back, but I’ll leave the room for a good two minutes, in high dudgeon.
DUDGEON I TELLS YA
Nooo! If Henry goes, I go.
Lol at Henry dropping his intricate pie on to the judge’s bench from a foot height. Might as well have hurled it from a lacrosse stick.
Steph’s carousel is arguably less ambitious but better realised. The Fringe is strong with this one.
Actually his marine scene is too salty. There is such a thing as following a brief too closely, guys.
Do we think David is good at DIY?
Must be something he can’t do.
Tough as old boots.” Paul clearly not a Fantastic Mr Fox fan.
Judging time!
Rosie’s design is excellent but her castle of stone and fire is as dry as you’d expect. I think she’s in trouble. Alice in Wonderland has made an exquisite treehouse and garden. Essentially a Wes Anderson cartoon come to life. Incredible.
I think about it approximately every eight days, like...clockwork
Pies on Bake Off makes me remember the time Andrew made a fricking working mechanical cog made of pies #GBBO pic.twitter.com/gaaVg1oZ8o
— Ryan Mules 🌚 (@ryanmules) October 15, 2019
Updated
Rosie’s dragon is kind of amazing; but also kind of looks like a boiled armadillo.
They’re doubling down on this Sandi fitting into small spaces schtick aren’t they?
I love how Henry just talks. Do you know what I mean? No filter, not much confidence either. Unique combo.
Do you like meaty pies?” Henry asks Paul, who simply stares back. You know when you look into a gorilla’s eyes at the zoo, searching for connection, but it wanders off utterly bored? Don’t know why I’m reminded of that.
My mother’s palate” is the greatest comeback to a Hollywood prod I have ever seen. Hail Henry, fairly quiet until now. The dapper mouth is back.
Meanwhile Sandi and Paul fight over chunks of ham. Life in Britain next month perhaps?
Did Henry just say “Yes my darling” to Prue? What the hell is he trying to pull?
Lol at Rosie’s husband Lewis getting namechecked immediately after being described as gastronomical milquetoast.
Updated
I just saw someone getting married...” why does Steph make it sound like she wasn’t invited, just somehow took a wrong turning and ended up in the vicinity of other people’s vows
Thanks Kriti! Friends, we have just enjoyed werqa or warka pastry
Showstopper: Vertical pie
Just three pies, innit. Like an emergency shop at a petrol garage.
Can someone give me David’s posture for Christmas? Stands at his bench like he’s just stuck the landing on the parallel bars, and is awaiting the judge’s verdict. Heroic upside down triangle of a man.
I have no idea who’s winning.” Prue. Or me watching cricket.
“Goths who have been on the electoral roll for five years.”
I do not understand that Experian advert but by Christ or Henry I’m glad it exists.
Much relate
And Bake Off #GBBO pic.twitter.com/JCJNnvdGdZ
— podzoo (@Manchesterzoo) October 15, 2019
Henry drops a BIG Maundy Thursday reference. Hot stuff.
Maundy Thursday always makes me think of that Arctic Monkeys song, Mardy Bum.
Actually, he didn’t blow up did he, he was burnt. Like Rosie’s tarte tatin.
Judging time!
Iron Fringe Steph makes an iron pie, and looks like the saddest little gelfling there ever was. Alice has apparently put too much garlic in hers – have me round to eat it please, and Rosie’s black garlic pirate situation – while David nails the look and taste. (“Finally!”) He wins, while star bakers Henry and Steph bring up the rear. Most surprising success story belongs to Rosie, who finishes second despite her pie blowing up like Guy Fawkes.
Moroccan’t Pie
Henry is squawking and swearing up a storm this week. His pie splits a bit! The good news (for him) is that Rosie’s pie splits A LOT. It looks more like shepherd’s pie.
Look at Henry and David playing catch with a lime like mischievous boys. Noel and even Alice joining in eagerly. Big ‘making life hard for the substitute teacher’ energy and I love it.
I love the look of these Walker pies though. The sort of thing they sell at the bar in upmarket cinemas.
I have Google Walker pies, worker pies, warker pies, and still have zero ideas what it is they’re making.
I also googled Helena Bake Off Black Veil because I’m not made of stone
Red and blue Prue is basically dressed as Timmy Mallet again.
Updated
Nice, inexplicable cameo from Adam Hills. Modelling a survivalist’s mutton chops in advance of No Deal Bre- sorry, can’t bring myself to say it.
I am potentially going to survive the situation.” Steph voicing the inner monologue of anyone emerging from an anxiety attack.
OH Steph! She’s tearful because of the tattered lace of her pastry. Noel comforts her tenderly.
Steph looks like every remake of the Planet of the Apes films.
If anyone knows what this is, I’ll get naked.” – Henry
“I’ve heard of this.” I love how David and Henry subvert expectations. Swotty-dressed Henry is the cheeky chancer, and jock-adjacent David has watched a lot of travel documentaries.
Technical Challenge: Walker pies
These pies are made for Walking, and that’s just what they’ll Prue.
Why do you all hate goat’s cheese? I love it. Like a wire-haired hug from a bleaty kid.
Judging time
Henry’s crab could pinch this you know. David’s tart has a good bottom, but his body is bone dry. Steph disappoints shocker! SOGGY BOTTOMED ROSIE! I love that old bluegrass number.
Thanks for your concern, all. Can confirm the sleep robot is no longer with me. The pram in the hallways is the enemy of art, when it contains a baby Darth Vader.
Alice is “draining her super-sog.” The most upsetting phrase we have yet encountered in this show?
Updated
She’s worried about her tart having “a soggy middle.” New, anxious twist on a classic.
I think Alice actually has fetlocks.
Alice holding a fan to her face and looking like she’s in a Bonnie Tyler video. Iron Fringe Steph displaying supreme thigh strength as she adopts a low-split in front of the oven. David at a loose end, fashions a teatowel headscarf. It’s probably meant to be Grace Kelly, but Sandi describes it as Mother Teresa.
Anyone else who wants to “marry a well-made caramel with an appealing design”: give me a call, yeah? Winkyface
We are bang-on for MULTI soggy bottom action lads. UPDATE THE BINGO. Charge your glasses
Rosie is cooking with black garlic, which for some reason I think of as pirate food.
Tart tartan” Noel not even attempting even half-French there. V Leave
Could Alice be any more Sleeping Beauty? Surprised there aren’t bluebirds on her shoulder. I guess there’s a danger she’d bake them in a pie.
I could loosen my tie. I may not.” Henry is a man with a brand. Or he has an offputting oesophagus.
Why is Prue wearing a tabard, as if manning a temporary car park?
Rosie distinguishing between the “roll, fold, roll, fold” technique of full puff versus rough IS my ASMR.
Wish I had my headphones on. Goosebumps. GOOSEBUMPS
DRINKIT
Signature challenge: Tarte tatin
Tintin’s trusted tea-time treat. Possibly
YES David has warm hands and is a healthcare worker and can bake and is beautiful. BUT I bet he clogs up the drain with beard hairs. Maybe.
There’s gotta be something.
@time4tee clearing cookies denies you live biscuits? Seems the definition of irony
RIGHT I’m weeping openly after that cancer research ad and I also have a cold and I also am not not tipsy, so LET’S GET INTO THIS.
Here we go. Soggy bottoms up!
@demelzaza Can the dream Bake Off tent have more than one Selasi in it?
The Accident looks good! But hasn’t Sarah Lancashire suffered enough? Let the woman do a Jackanory or something.
@snailywhaley please tell your sister to wrap it up quicksticks.
@jdsworld StephDavidAlice final is a solid ticket. Which means there’s prob a Henry-shaped heartbreak in store at some point. Strange to say that about the Star Baker.
Bingo bango! Let’s all drinka drink if and when:
- Paul sits in front of a fridge as if guarding the contents
- Prue watches a cake being hand-baked over four hours, then berates it as ‘homemade’
- Tiny angels seen using Sandi’s hair as a beach resort
- Henry undermined by breaking voice while back-chatting Hollywood
- David sculpts a working model of the cosmos in marzipan and doesn’t win
Brethren, let us bingo.
Hello!
Welcome to the only Great British Bake Off blog that failed its A levels but enrolled on a sports nutrition course through clearing. Tonight, it’s Pastry Week: a sentence that makes no grammatical sense if you don’t watch the show. But who’ll be filo fine by the end of the episode, and who puffed up with hubris?
I’ll be blogging the best bits here, but the action is below. Please get involved with jokes, gossip and strongly held opinions on butter. The show starts at 8pm, so I’ll see you back here then!
